Starting Over... Again

Hi… I know, it’s been a while. Life has been busy and well, my time at our last base was actually pretty good. There were only a few moments of drama, but overall, it was good. When the new commander came in, his wife was super chill and actually really cool. For the first time at a base, I had a group of really good friends who I regularly hung out with.

It sounds weird to say that it was the first time, right? That doesn’t mean that I haven’t had great military friends, it just means that I haven’t had many. That’s always been strange for me too, because I’ve never had difficulty making friends and fitting in when it comes to real life, but I am not great at being a military wife in general. I’m not sure why, but it is the one time that I just can’t keep my opinions to myself.

When they were handing out the military wife Kool-Aid, I must have been drinking from my own flask or something that day because the phrase, “well, that’s military life,” makes me feel rage-y (yes, I know, not a word).

The point all of this babbling is that we’ve just moved to a new base, so, here I am starting over again. After such a great experience, you’d think it would be easy for me to dive right into meeting people again… But old habits die hard and I’m gun shy after years of not really fitting in. It’s incredibly difficult to be a social person who is antisocial at only one aspect of life.It's also worth noting that this is the 6th move in less than 11 years, so I really should be better at this. 

It’s not for lack of trying, though, I actually joined the spouse Facebook page before arriving so that I could learn more about the area.

Then the messages started.

Here the lead spouse calls herself the “spouse mentor” and she wrote to tell me that she needed my address because we’re technically in a hurricane zone. (Um… I am from Florida. I know it’s quite possible for a hurricane to hit this base, but it’s highly unlikely for a real one, not just the leftovers, to hit here.) I stopped myself from making the joke that I made 8 years ago about how I throw a great hurricane party, because that did not go over well the first time.

Another spouse sent me a message that she is my “spouse sponsor” (I have honestly never heard of a “spouse sponsor”. Active duty members often get sponsors at new bases, but it’s optional and it doesn’t really have anything to do with the spouse). She has messaged me 3 times in the past 2 weeks asking when as good time to “drop by and chat” would be. I wasn’t even here for one of those weeks and the other week, I was unpacking.

I also got 5 new friend requests on Facebook… But I haven’t met any of these people, yet. I guess I kind of asked for it by joining the page and I’m sure they mean well, but I only add people who I actually know.

The rational side of me knows that this is not the same as the base 4 years ago… But my gut says to proceed with caution because you never know. Eventually, my need to be social will win out and I’ll go to an event, though. Starting over (again) is always hard, but if nothing else, it will give me a reason to write. 

What Not to Say to a Military Wife

The Friday before Mother’s day is always Military Spouse Appreciation day, so in honor of that, I’ve comprised a list of questions and phrases to avoid with me. I can’t speak for all wives, but I know a lot of these get old for many of us … And yes, these are all things that people say to me or ask. Often.

1. When you find out about a deployment, don’t ask her opinion on the war and don’t tell her yours. It is what it is and you can’t change it. I love it when someone says to me, “We shouldn’t be over there!” We? I don’t like to talk politics with people unless they’re my best friends and even then, it can be iffy. 

2. Avoid phrases like, “I don’t know how you do it!” or “I could never let my husband do that!” I get that people have their hearts in the right place when they say this, but it’s not what we want to hear. We do it because we love someone who signed up to serve and you don’t give up on someone you love. You also don’t have a choice in the matter. Instead, just tell her that’s she’s awesome.

3. Please don’t tell her that she signed up for this. Military wives sign a marriage license, not an enlistment or commissioning contract. We didn’t sign up for anything except to get married. When people say this to me I have to count to 10 in my head to stop myself from smacking them.

4. It’s not helpful to ask if she’s worried about her husband being killed. My husband has a safe job, so I try not to worry when he’s deployed, but comments like this make things harder. Instead, just tell her you’re there for her if she needs anything.

5. Along those same lines, don’t ask if she’s worried about her husband cheating while he’s away. Again, not helpful. Instead, offer her a glass of wine or some chocolate. Much better.

6. Cargo pilots don’t typically kill people, but I’m always asked if my husband has ever has. Aside from the fact that this is an incredibly personal question, no one likes to talk about this.

7. After deployments, people often ask, “So is he done with the military now or will he have to go back?” Pilots have a 10 year commitment after they finish 2 years of pilot training, so no, he’s not done yet. And deployments are always a possibility regardless of where you’re stationed.

8. The question I get asked the most is, “where are you going next?” I'm glad people are interested, but it's exhausting because I don’t know and I won’t for a while. I know some of the possibilities if things remain the same and I know what we’d like, but I honestly have no idea and having to explain all of these factors over and over again can be tiring. (Although, I do appreciate that people are trying to understand and make conversation.)

9. No, I don’t watch “Army Wives”.

10. And for the love of everything… Never, ever compare your husband’s business trip to a deployment. It might not be fun, but I assure you, it is not the same. A week or 2 here or there is so very different from several months overseas.

Again, I’m sure not all of these bother all military spouses, but quite a few of them bug us from time to time. So to all of those military spouses out there, thanks for all you do and I hope you get to have a little fun this weekend. I am celebrating by not cooking tonight. If you know a military spouse, be sure to tell her (or him) that they’re fantastic :)

Welcome to the Dark Side

So… My friends will laugh, but I caved. I had a desperate moment and I joined the spouse organization Facebook page. I was looking for a babysitter for the pilot training graduation dinner for my husband’s latest class of students and I had exhausted most of my options. I joined the page to see the babysitter list. Sure, I could have signed up for one of those sitter sites you see on TV, but since we live in a small town, I wasn’t sure how many options there would be.

“Maybe we could just bring her with us?” my husband offered because he knew how much I had been avoiding this moment. I looked at our sweet daughter, who is really well behaved when we go out, and she smiled up and me. I considered the idea for a moment and quickly dismissed it as she blew a loud raspberry and giggled at me. I love it when she blows raspberries. Other people do not, though. I imagined the solemn tribute to MIAs and POWs that they do at all of these dinners and in my mind heard our daughter blowing loud raspberries during the moment of silence. “No, I don’t think that’s going to work,” I replied.

My mouse hovered over the “ask to join” button and with a trembling hand, I clicked it. Here we go…

A few hours later, I was in bed reading and noticed my phone blinking with a Facebook message, so I picked it up. The message was from someone I didn’t know and simply read, “Are you or your spouse stationed at this base?” Um… ok...

I replied with, “Good evening and thank you for your message! Yes, my husband is stationed at this base, thank you for following up!”

It was after 10:30pm, but I got an immediate response of, “What squadron is he in? What is his job?” I get that common courtesy isn’t really a thing on the internet, but this just seemed rude.

Again I replied, “Thank you so much for your quick response! I really appreciate it!” I also informed her of his squadron and official role.

Another message came though, “Well, why do you need to join this page? Sorry for all the questions, we just need to be sure you’re in the right place.” Oh, for the love… Really?

I almost gave up and said never mind, but I was determined to find a sitter (and be polite) so I informed her that the commander’s wife had instructed me to join the page and I was only just now getting around to doing it. I was added to the page with no further conversation or responses. Already, I could tell that this had a lot of potential to be more trouble than it was worth, but since people tell me they like hearing my stories, I figure it will give me some good ones.

A quick glance at the page already had me laughing. There were multiple posts about getting boudoir photo shoots done (Really?! Why is this a thing?). So, I’m sure I’ll have more fun stuff to talk about!

The irony of it all was that I managed to find a great babysitter though a cousin who had a friend nearby… Oh, well! I’ll stay on and lurk because it’s funny. Apparently the squadron has a page I “need” to join too, but that will have to wait for another day (and a few drinks probably too).

I told one of my good friends here about the conversation, so she could laugh at me and she responded with, “Haha! Welcome to the Dark Side!”

Dropping by

It’s been a while… So there’s a lot to write about, but I’ll start with where we left off with the birth of our daughter.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but my husband is a flight instructor at our current base. One of his groups of students was set to graduate right around the time I was due. I went in for my appointment right before my due date and the doctor said, “It could be anytime now, so, when do you want to have this baby?” My sweet husband’s reply was, “well, anytime she’s ready.” I knew deep down, he was hoping he could get through his students’ assignment night. (This is the night when pilot training students learn what plane they’ll be flying and where they’ll be going for their first real assignment.) I’d had a few contractions, but they kept stopping and starting. My husband was a little nervous to leave me for a few hours since the building he was in had no cell service, but I hung in there.

 In fact, I hung in there until late Saturday night/ early Sunday morning. Our daughter was born that Sunday afternoon (one day before her due date) and she was everything we’d hoped for and more. We are so blessed.

 I was only home for a few days when I got the first email from the commander’s wife asking for the details on my baby. I did not reply. Not because I was being rude, but because I didn’t have much time for myself and I wanted to sit down a write a proper response. Plus, my family was in town and I was soaking up every minute of newborn goodness that I could.

 My husband’s students had their graduation dinner less than 2 weeks after our daughter was born. Since my parents were in town and offered to babysit and I was feeling alright, I decided to accompany my husband the dinner.

 I don’t usually allow myself many compliments, but for having given birth less than 2 weeks prior, I didn’t look too bad. My little black dress was technically a maternity dress, but it didn’t look like one and it hid my jelly belly very well. My husband’s co-workers were all very sweet and told us how nice we looked. The commander came over to congratulate us and offer his compliments, as well. His wife was also there, so I greeted her and apologized for not getting back to her yet. She gave me a tight smile, looked me up and down a few times and said, “Well, congratulations on getting out of the house.”

 Seriously?! Ok, I wasn’t looking for a compliment, in fact, I’m usually pretty hard on myself when it comes to how I look and my body, but there are nicer things to say to someone who just had a baby! I thanked her, gave a winning smile, and took a large sip of my wine.

 2 days later my parents left and my husband went back to work. I got another email from the commander’s wife to “check in” on me. The email explained that the squadron had a baby gift for me (this is not uncommon) and asked for our address so she could “drop by” to give it to me.

 Ok, I’m sure her heart was in the right place here, but asking to “drop by” on someone you don’t know well, who has a newborn, is not ok. I was getting a shower everyday (something I am rather proud of), and my house was pretty clean, but not how I preferred it for company. I was also still getting the hang of nursing and pumping, so my days were spent with a lot more skin showing than I am used to. Not to mention, recovering from giving birth takes time. I’ll spare you the details, but it takes a while before you start feeling human again.

 I sent a very carefully written reply that I would love for her to drop by and that is was so sweet of her to bring a gift, but that my windows of time were very small due to feedings, naps, and company. I mentioned that I was sure we could work something out if she really wanted to come over, though. Thankfully, she took the hint and said she knew how tough the first few weeks wereand that she'd send the gift home with my husband.

 So, that’s how the first few weeks went… I’m going to try to update more though. The next few entries (when I have time) will include awkward conversations and joining the spouse Facebook page (yes, I caved). I’m off to go cuddle with my sweet girl… Stay tuned!

Baby Steps

I meant to post this last week, but with the baby due any day now, my energy is a little zapped.

 So, I sent a reply to the commander’s wife. I didn’t feel I owed anything, but for me, it was a professional courtesy. I thanked her again for her invitations and said how much I appreciated it. I also explained that my previous challenges with involvement in a spouse organization had to do mostly with the mandatory recalls. I didn’t go into detail, but I did mention that our previous squadron would threaten visits from local law enforcement if you failed to participate in the recalls. (Again, I realize I didn’t have to explain myself here, but I wanted to.) I graciously thanked her again and also mentioned that I would consider becoming more involved after the baby came and we were settled.

 I have not heard anything in return. Since I telecommute and spend a lot of time sending emails, this one should come across as friendly and appreciative, but I know if doesn’t always work that way. Hopefully it sounded alright.

 

I do want to become more involved, mostly for the baby, but I want to do it slowly. At our last base, I hit the ground running and we all know what happened there... So I am just going to take baby steps and see what happens.

 Still on the topic of military spouses, but changing gears a little…

 If you know me well, you know that I have always believed that equality means equal rights for everyone. On June 26^th, when the Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA) was overturned, I was thrilled. I was even more excited to see the Department of Defense release the following statement:

 

Statement by Secretary Hagel on DOMA Ruling

 The Department of Defense welcomes the Supreme Court's decision today on the Defense of Marriage Act. The department will immediately begin the process of implementing the Supreme Court's decision in consultation with the Department of Justice and other executive branch agencies. The Department of Defense intends to make the same benefits available to all military spouses -- regardless of sexual orientation -- as soon as possible. That is now the law and it is the right thing to do.

Every person who serves our nation in uniform stepped forward with courage and commitment. All that matters is their patriotism, their willingness to serve their country, and their qualifications to do so. Today's ruling helps ensure that all men and women who serve this country can be treated fairly and equally, with the full dignity and respect they so richly deserve.

I sincerely hope that these husbands and wives are also receiving invitations to attend the spouse groups. Maybe if a few of them do, I will participate more :)

The saga continues...

 So, I did decide to reply to the email the commander’s wife sent me:
“Thank you so much for your generous invitation! I apologize for the delay in my reply, but I am 37 weeks pregnant, so we've had a lot going on. It would be nice to see you again, since we did not get to chat much at the Christmas party and I have been in and out of town quite a bit over the last few months. Thankfully,I have close friends in the squadron who have been doing a wonderful job of keeping me in the loop during the busy season for my job, as well as my travels. Unfortunately, I have a doctor's appointment on the aforementioned date and will not be able to make it to the coffee. Thank you again for the invitation and it was nice to hear from you!”

I won’t post her full response, but it basically requested my information again, so she could add me to the roster for emails (um… isn’t that what we’re doing now? Why is my cell necessary?). It also stated that I should join their FB group to stay up to date on information and that they would like to coordinate baby meals for me. Additionally, this was included: “If I recall I think I heard that you didn’t have the best experience in a previous spouse’s group? If that is the reason you have been hesitant to participate with I would appreciate you giving us a chance. We have a great group of ladies and would love for you to be active in our socials.”

She knows that I didn’t love the previous spouse organization but she does not know details. While it’s a nice idea, I was going to mention that I will have family visiting when the baby is born (which is true), so I will be well taken care of.  I don’t mind the social aspects and it could be helpful with a baby, but I don’t want to have to “report in” while my husband is away in the future. I’m also not sure about joining the FB page. Mine is on private, so I don’t think they could see anything, but you never know… I was thinking of giving them my home phone (Which I use mostly for work and rarely answer), but I'm not sure about the address.

I am currently working on a response, but I welcome any advice :)

Found!

Well, it took over a year, but it seems they’ve found me! The spouse’s organization, I mean. You see, when we moved here, I just didn’t give out my information. A lot of people have said, “Well, what if something happens to your husband? How will they contact you?” If something happens, they follow his emergency contact card in their system (which is up to date), it is not necessary for the spouse’s organization to also have that information. 

 Apparently the “lead spouse” here found out that some wife (me) who she was unaware of (we’ve met at least twice) was about to receive benefits and here is where the trouble started. She fired off a rude email to my friend about how she needed my contact information immediately and how upset she was that she had not been kept in the loop. The best part was, she copied her husband on the email. I feel like that’s just the adult equivalent of “I’m telling on you!” Plus, it doesn’t really matter. My actions as a spouse should have no impact on my husband’s career (well, unless maybe I break the law on base, but I rarely go there, anyway, and this certainly isn’t a law)… And that right there is a big reason as to why I had no desire to join the spouse’s organization. I have no time for drama like this.

 Well, somehow she found me herself… The other day, I received an email summoning me to a “welcome coffee” at her home (we’ve been here over a year now and I’ve met her before. Obviously, I was very memorable). She also stated in the email multiple times that she required my contact information, specifically my cell phone number. I have yet to respond but the “welcome coffee” will be when I am 37 ½ weeks pregnant. My usually diplomatic filter is deteriorating fast and frankly, I have no idea what will come out of my mouth lately. It could make for some interesting blog fodder, though.

 Some people have asked, “Why not just give them the information and get involved?” Well, my big reason is because of our previous base. If you’ve read this blog for a while now, you know that the spouse organization at our last base was always asking us to “report in” and would blow up my phone for ridiculous reasons (once, to ask if I was in Texas. This base was no where near Texas). They would also send me to email jail on a daily basis, sometimes sending as many as 10 emails in the span of an hour over things that could have been covered in 1 email. As someone who telecommutes, I spend a lot of time on my computer and I do not have time for unnecessary messages reminding me of the same things over and over again.

 Also, call me difficult, but I don’t like being told what to do by people who I don’t work for. I have a great job and I will do back flips if my leaders ask me to, but they pay me. Imagine if the spouses of your significant other’s co-workers suddenly started telling them that they needed to be in constant contact with them. It just doesn’t make sense.

 And finally, I don’t join because of the drama mentioned above. We’re adults, I don’t need someone running to their husband and “telling on me” if I don’t do exactly as they say. The “lead spouse” at our last base used to copy the commander if she disagreed. That’s just ridiculous.

I have always been involved in organizations. I’m not one to sit back and do nothing or fly under the radar, I’ve always been an achiever… but when it comes to being a military wife, I’d really rather just blend in with the crowd.