Book Club and Bible Study

There seem to be 2 activities that every military spouse organization I’ve seen participates in: Book club and bible study. I saw it at the different bases in pilot training and it’s something I know our current base loves. There are other things like play groups, craft clubs, sewing circles, and someone once even tried to start a soccer group here, but these 2 seem to be the most popular.

I was excited about the book club. I love books. I learned to love the classics early on and To Kill a Mockingbird is probably my all-time favorite book. As I got older, I started to like chick lit. Yes, it’s fluffy and predicable but it’s entertaining. Of course, I’m also a fan of popular series too, you know, the standards like Harry Potter, etc. My husband bought me a Kindle for Christmas, because I was taking so many books on vacation with me it was getting to be absurd. (Yes, I miss the pages and the smell of books with the Kindle, but I don’t go over the luggage requirements with it.) I was excited about book club, until I got the reading lists…

I don’t like depressing books. I am not a Nicholas Sparks fan. Sorry, I know he’s a great writer but someone always dies and I cry easy enough as it is. Don’t get me wrong, I know everyone loves The Notebook, and it’s a beautiful story, but I found myself sobbing about these fictional characters a little too much. (Have I mentioned I cry easy?) I also feel it was a very poor choice to have Dear John be a reading selection during deployment. Other depressing favorites of this base book club include Marley and Me, My Sister’s Keeper, The Time Traveler’s Wife, and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (actually, that’s a really good one, but still quite sad).

They used to like to pick books that were being made into movies and then go see the film after the discussion. They needed suggestions and not much was coming out, so I jokingly suggested Twilight… No one found it the least bit funny and they stared at me like I had another head. Yes, I like it (don’t hate), but I wasn’t serious about it for book club. I’ve also suggested classics, like Jane Austen (this time I was being serious) again, I was met with blank stares. I no longer participate in book club.

The other big one will probably be a little controversial: bible study. This is one I was not so enthusiastic about. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the bible, it’s because I am Catholic and we’re not known for bible study…

The few times I’ve tried to go to bible study in the past, people have tried to “save” me and that’s not fun for me. Apparently Catholicism is not a popular religion with some people. I get why people may not be fans, but that’s no need to tell me I’m going to hell. How do you know? Did God tell you or something? I don’t know how bible study with a bunch of ladies who are gossiping is going to help my faith.  

I’m really not one to debate religion with people, either. It makes me super uncomfortable when people invite me to their church and it happens a lot here. Maybe that’s why I’ve never clicked with the other wives? They all seem to go to the same church.

As for me, I’ll skip the clubs. I’ll quietly worship in my own way, not bothering anyone… and I’ll read some book that makes me happy, while I’m at it.

As always, my disclaimer is that this does not reflect all military spouse organizations, it’s just my personal experience.

On moving

No, it’s not time for us to move yet, it’s just what this entry is about. I’m sure by now you’ve figured out there are a lot of things I don’t like about being a military wife. The thing that bugs me the most is moving. Hate is not a strong enough word for how I feel about moving. I loathe it. I detest it with the fire of a thousand suns. It makes me crazy.

People say I should embrace it, enjoy the adventure. I don’t want to, sorry. Before I got married I had moved once in my whole life and I was too young to remember it. I’ve lived in the same house for as long as I can remember. I miss my family and friends. I miss out on important events in the lives of people I love. I travel home often, but I can’t always be there and that’s hard.

We have officially been stationed at this base for 3 years, at 4 they will automatically move us again. This is the longest we’ve lived somewhere since my husband commissioned. I don’t want to move. The thought of it makes me want to cry. I love our little house and our sweet neighbors.

 In the first 2 years we were married the military moved us 4 times. It was for pilot training, but it was still pretty rough. It also seemed everyone (with the exception of a few) had an opinion on our lives and our marriage. It got to the point where I hated explaining my life to other people because our lives were totally up in the air until the end of pilot training when he got a “real” assignment. We were fortunate, though, my husband is smart and worked hard. He graduated 2^nd in his class and we got exactly what we wanted.

Even when you’re not supposed to be moving there is the threat of a move. Sometimes less desirable assignments for pilots come down and they have to force someone to take them. You are constantly at the mercy of someone else.

If you’ve never moved with the military, it’s a bit of a production. First, packers come and pack up all of your things. Then movers come to take them away. Then, your stuff sits in storage (sometimes for months) until you get to your location. Once you do, the movers come and deliver your stuff. The military pays for damages to your things, and something is always damaged. I have some beautiful furniture with ugly battle scars from moving. Some people choose to do the move themselves and the military gives them money… We just don’t have that kind of patience.

The military does take care of you when you move. Heck, they even pay you and your travel expenses. In many families, the active duty member will arrive at the new base first and the family will follow. If you arrive separately, you both get some sort of stipend. I’m not a financial expert by any stretch but I think it adds up. I don’t know how much money the military spends on moves each year, but it seems like a lot. I can’t imagine what it must cost to move a family of 4.

I know they move us to keep new ideas flowing and leadership fresh… but why not just move people around at the same base? I can’t speak for other bases, but I know at this one the different areas have very little, if any, contact with each other. I know some people want to move, but I know a lot of people don’t. I understand it’s part of this life, but why can’t we have the choice to move every 5 or 6 years instead of 3 or 4?

Plus, as a spouse, it’s hard to find a job. No one wants to hire you for a short time. I’m thankful that my job lets me utilize a home office and telecommute, but many people are not. My husband’s plane is domestic, so we can stay in the U.S. and I can keep my job.

I will also tell you, trying to decorate different spaces with the same stuff loses the fun after the 3^rd move in less than 2 years. I’ve considered writing letters about it, especially with the budget crisis we have, but I’m not even sure where to start or if anyone would see it as an issue.  

I am thankful for family and friends who give me a place to call “home” when this life feels so transient. To me, Florida will always be home. Have I mentioned I hate moving?

On fashion

I will admit right off the bat, I in no way a fashionista. This entry is going to make me sound a little catty, but that’s not how it’s meant. It’s just observations. When it comes down to it, I just like to be comfortable in my Florida casual wear. My sister works for J Crew, so her discount is about as fashionable as I get. That being said, I do think I have good taste for my body type. I know what works and what doesn’t often times just by looking at the clothes on the rack. I tend to dress conservatively, but I’m ok with that. I can’t say the same for some of the other wives I’ve encountered…

Before my husband returned home from this deployment, we all got an email from the “lead spouse” about the timeline. In the email, she said, “with your spouse’s impeding homecoming, take some time for yourselves. Get your hair done, clean your home and spend time looking for just the right outfit for your spouse’s arrival.” First of all, who are we supposed to be, Betty Draper?  I had no idea how these women would interpret this…

I showed up at the base terminal that early afternoon and it was about 40 degrees and windy. That’s actually pretty chilly for me. I put on a favorite pair of jeans, a flattering sweater and my Uggs. (Yes, I know Uggs are hideous, but they are comfy and warm! I don’t do heels well, so these were the best choice I had for boots.) I remembered my plaid scarf and my black pea coat because I knew I’d be chilly in the wind. I was so out of place in my casual wear.

I was surrounded by women in tight black dresses or short skirts with knee-high black go-go boots or stiletto heels on. Is this what the “lead spouse” meant by the perfect outfit? I didn’t get the memo we were all going clubbing later on. The funny part was most had small children with them.

I swear one woman was dressed like Britney Spears in her "Baby one more time" video. My favorite was a woman in a black sequined dress. It was really tight, but she pulled it off. However, she also wore fishnet stockings with a rose pattern that went up the side of them. Her shoes were purple suede platform pumps and she was carrying 2 toddlers. One of the toddlers was chewing on the sequins of the dress. I snapped a picture with my phone (if you know me you’ve seen this picture)… I have no idea how to post it here though. There are also kids in the picture, so I would need to find a way to hide their faces before I post it, because well, that’s not fair.

At my husband’s pilot training graduation dinner, I also made some observations… I personally know what it’s like to have to try everything on (even t-shirts) before I buy it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve loved a dress but didn’t buy it because it was 1 size too small. Could I have squeezed into it? Sure. Would I be doing myself any favors?  No.

This is kind of gross and it bothers me that I even have to mention it, but it’s usually not ok to skip undergarments for a formal event. I won’t elaborate, but some people leave nothing to the imagination.

Also braiding your hair into 2 pigtails and then wrapping them around the back of your head is not an up do unless you’re the girl on the swiss miss box. And giant dragon necklace (the kind you find at a renaissance fair) really doesn’t work for a semi formal event unless it’s in Middle Earth or something.

I should note, this is not the way the majority of the other wives dress… Well, ok at the recent homecoming there were a lot dressed as described above, but not all. Some women have impeccable taste and dress beautifully, unfortunately, the most memorable outfits seem to be the worst. I’m probably boring in my A-Line dress but I am comfortable. I probably dress like an old lady, but I’m ok with that. It’s what works for me.

Homecoming

If deployment is one of the most horrible things to go through as a military spouse, the homecoming is one of the happiest. It’s also one of the strangest. Please note that as usual, I have no idea if this is normal or not, it’s just my experience.

After living alone for an extended period of time, you suddenly have this person back in your life. It’s both wonderful and weird. You get into a routine when you’re alone all the time. You sleep in the middle of the bed, you’re the pets’ favorite (ok, I was always the dog’s favorite, but the cat was questionable), and I leave a light on at night because I'm a little afraid of the dark. You get used to doing things a certain way. Once, after a deployment my husband and I were working in the yard. We were finishing up and I went inside for a shower. After my shower, I realized I’d locked him out. I felt awful because it was hot, but I was used to being alone all the time and locking the door behind me when I came inside. This person you missed for so long is suddenly everywhere. It’s great to have him home but it does take an adjustment.

In the 2 homecomings I have experienced, things are unpredictable. You get this email from the “lead spouse” telling you need to be there more than an hour early for snacks and socializing. Then you get a phone call from the “key spouse” telling you that they’re early and the snacks are cancelled (thank goodness, because I was going to fake car trouble or something to not have to sit there). You arrive and they are late anyway.

After the plane lands, you hug while trying to avoid the press. The press doesn’t seem to target us this time since they’re more interested in the family reunions with small children. Then, your husband is lead away for in processing. During this time, they do paperwork and get blood drawn. Yes, blood. Why? Oh, to make sure they didn’t catch any diseases while they were gone…Nice.

In processing can take a while, sometimes more than an hour. I sit in the passenger terminal and text family and friends that he’s home. I update my Facebook, which you’re apparently not supposed to do, but I figured if the base can invite the press, I can inform my friends who I know personally that my husband is home safe. I observe the fashion emergencies in front of me (that will need to be a separate entry, so stay tuned!) and I share them with my friends.

I also tolerate other people’s children during this time. I love kids, don’t get me wrong, but please watch them. I sit reading while a child screams in my ear because his mother is ignoring them and too busy socializing with the other wives. I look at the mother who gives me a nasty glare, as if it’s my fault her kid is being obnoxious. I get bonked on the head repeatedly with a mylar balloon that looks like an American flag (I am not kidding). I get soda spilled on me by a 3 year old whose mother is not watching him. This is not ok.

He has the next 2 weeks off, so we spend that time going on a vacation and seeing family and friends. I gain weight because we are eating at all his favorite spots, but I am just happy he’s home… even if my jeans are a little tight:)

Deployment is such a weird thing. I’ll have to see if I can find my booklet from the family readiness office. It has some odd suggestions for this time. While deployment sucks, and the process for homecoming is weird, it’s ultimately nice to have him home.

The first deployment

I think quite possibly one of the worst things you can experience when you’re married to the military is deployment. It just sucks. Nothing about it is fun. The worst part, for me anyway, is the leaving. Unfortunately this entry isn't as funny as some of my other stories, but here’s the story of my husband’s first deployment…

My husband didn’t have to be on base until late in the afternoon, so we spent the day watching funny movies to keep our spirits up. In hindsight, it might have been easier to just get it over with in the morning, but I was thankful for the time together. We drove my little red beetle to the base, which is definitely a chick car. Once, while driving it through security on base, the security forces airman at the gate actually laughed at my husband as he saluted him. As my husband pulled up to the gate this time, I made sure to turn on “omigod you guys” from Legally Blonde the Musical. I know it’s bad, but the song makes me happy and frankly, I needed a laugh.

We showed up at the base passenger terminal where we sat. It was pretty much the saddest room I’d ever been in. It was packed with people- older wives who were trying to look brave, young children with tiny flight suits on, and even young wives who were carrying newborns.

There were photographers from the paper and cameras from the news. Some people were actually volunteering to be interviewed and photographed. We shook our heads any time a camera came near and even hid our faces with a folder my husband had. We spent our last few minutes together hiding from these people. It was like the photographers were just waiting for a weak moment.

Well, that moment came. It was announced that it was time for them to leave. We hugged each other and, of course, the tears came. If you know me well, you know I cry really easy. The fact that I hadn’t burst into tears until now was a huge accomplishment. I watched my husband walk out of sight and he wasn’t gone more than 5 seconds when one of the photographers approached me. He said, “I took a very emotional photo of you and your husband just now! What are your names for the paper?” I wanted to tell him where he could go and what he could do with himself. Instead, all I could bring myself to say was, “No. That was a private moment.” He looked as if I’d ruined his day as I walked away.

I have no idea how the picture could have been that great. I am a seriously ugly crier. I mean, we’re talking red faced, sobbing and snorting with bloodshot eyes. I can’t help it. To add insult to injury, the night before, a bug had flown into my eye as we were leaving a restaurant. (I seriously couldn’t make this stuff up.) It must have been a big one because it really hurt and my eye was red for a few days after. So, before I was even crying I had this wonky, bloodshot eye. I looked like I had pink eye or something. It was not cute.

For some reason we had to wait there in that sad room for a few more minutes. I found a corner out of sight, near the door hoping no one would notice me. The then-commander’s wife, approached me with a fake smile and said, “There’s no reason to cry, we’re all going out for ice cream and you should come too!” I wanted so badly to tell her that I was crying because the photographer was an insensitive jerk and that I needed something a hell of a lot stronger than ice cream, but instead, I mumbled something along the lines of, “No thank you. I have a bottle of wine and Edward Cullen waiting for me at home.” (Don’t judge me! Twilight makes me feel better!)

As for the photographers, that picture did end up in the paper, but our names weren’t on it. We also ended up on the news. It was awful. What made it worse is that we were on base, so the news cameras were invited with no warning to us. I checked into it and apparently there was nothing I could do. It was incredibly frustrating. What’s worse, is that they seemed to really focus on families with children. I don’t have kids, but I wouldn’t want them to be photographed if I did. After that, I kept a piece of paper in my purse for these occasions that read, “I do NOT give consent to be photographed, video taped or have my image otherwise reproduced.” I know it won’t stop anyone, but hopefully it will keep them away.

I think about that now whenever I see a deployment or homecoming on the news. I know the world loves to see moments like that, but I can’t help but wonder if those people on the news went through what I did.

Reporting in

I mentioned the calls and emails from the wives in a previous post and I figured it warranted its own entry. As I’ve also mentioned, I have no idea is this is normal since it’s the first real assignment we had after pilot training.

These situations took place the first year we were here. We arrived here in late January and my husband’s squadron had to deploy in early August. Since I had no idea what I was doing, I thought if I didn’t comply I would get my husband in trouble.

The spouses organization said they needed all of my information while my husband was away. They explained that this was in case of an emergency and they needed to notify me about something… I had no idea at the time that our ideas of an emergency were very different. They also told me they needed to know anytime I was out of town in case something happened to my husband during deployment. I now know that it’s not the spouse organization that notifies you if something happens on deployment, it’s the base. It’s not based on the information you give the spouse organization, but what is on your husband’s emergency contact card in his file.

During 2008 a tropical storm was approaching the coast. I’m from Florida and I’ve lived through more hurricanes than I can remember. I started getting panicked emails from the “lead spouse” and my “key spouse” that I needed to share my evacuation route with them and the phone number and address of where I would be. They kept referring to the TS as a hurricane, which bothered me because there is definitely a difference. Plus, I think the unnecessary use of the word hurricane was causing panic. I jokingly said in my reply that in Florida we actually have hurricane parties (because we do) and that all you need is a little rum for a good hurricane. I got a response back from the “lead spouse” saying I should take things more seriously.

The TS didn’t actually hit the coast, in fact, we didn’t even get rain from it. It was a Friday night and I’d had a long day at work. I was fighting a sore throat and looking forward to a bottle of wine and a chick flick that night. I got an email around 5 saying I’d need to “report in” either by phone or email on Saturday morning before 8am. Seriously? The storm didn’t even hit and we don’t live on base. I emailed my “key spouse” and told her I wasn’t feeling well. I asked if I could opt out and she said if I didn’t report in, she’d call the police. I had drafted several nasty responses, but I thought better of sending them.

A few weeks later, I got the most ludicrous call… A hurricane hit thousands of miles away on the coast of Texas. My phone rang at 8:00am on a Sunday morning. I ignored it, because I would have probably said some choice words to the person on the other line. It rang again… Seriously? What is it about these people and not sleeping in on weekends? It was my “key spouse,” they were requiring everyone to report in and say they weren’t in Texas. We live no where near Texas. I have never given any indication that I have anything waiting for me in Texas. Am I being punked? This was just crazy.

It went on like that throughout the deployment. My favorite moment was when I went on a cruise. I got to send an email to my “key spouse” that I would have absolutely no access to email or phone.

The squadron underwent an inspection after they returned from deployment and they shredded a lot of old papers, including the spouse contact list. They still had my email, but they no longer had my phone number. It was awesome.

When it came time for another deployment, the emails started again asking for my information. I ignored them and got an email from the “lead spouse” and she had copied the commander! Really? I think the squadron commander (getting ready to deploy) has better things to do! My husband contacted base legal to find out if I really had to give them my information or not. They said I wasn’t required to give them anything as long as my husband’s emergency contact card was up to date. I emailed the “lead spouse” back saying I was not going to give her my information after my experience with the previous deployment. They have my email and I will reply at a time convenient for me. I also mentioned I had contacted base legal. She didn’t ask for my information again.

I still got annoying emails, but I didn’t have to “report in.” I’ll share some of the emails in a future entry. Yes, I realize these people are unpaid volunteers, but I think it’s a bit ridiculous to ask me to “report in” for a tropical storm that didn’t hit or a hurricane that hit thousands of miles away. Sorry, but enough was enough for me.

The Hierarchy

So people often ask me about the “lead spouse” and how she got that job, so I figured I’d explain the hierarchy that I deal with on a daily basis. First off, I have absolutely no idea if this is the norm for military dependants. This is our first real assignment after pilot training, so I have nothing to compare it to. I’ve had some people tell me it’s similar to what they went through and others tell me they’ve never heard of this, so I’m not sure what’s normal. The system I’m explaining is what applies to my husband’s squadron.

The “lead spouse” is usually the commander’s wife (that’s also another title for this person). The current squadron commander is a female and not married, so the current “lead spouse” is the wife of the Lt. Col. who would be the second in charge after the commander. As far as I know, this job is voluntary and I’m sure it’s unpaid… however, she does have a reserved space at the commissary and BX.

In this squadron the “lead spouse” has “key spouses.” I think of them more as her minions. There are about 6 or 8 and they are “in charge” of small groups of regular spouses, like myself. It’s a bit like a PTA phone tree, but way more annoying. The “key spouses” check in with you periodically when your husband is away and report back to the “lead spouse.” When we first got to this base, they were called “phoenix spouses” but the name has since changed. This role is also voluntary and unpaid, but also has a reserved parking space at the BX and commissary. These people also supposedly receive special training for these roles, but I have no idea what that entails.

Here’s my complaint with this system… I’m sure it’s great for people who want support and extra help while their husbands are deployed, but I want to be left alone. I have an amazing support system of people checking in on me. I’ve asked numerous times if there’s a way I can opt out, but alas, they tell me I have to respond when the “lead spouse” or the “key spouse” contacts me. Usually, they call me to check in and I don’t answer because I’m either working or ignoring them (God bless the person who invented caller ID). Then they send an email asking if things are ok, I tell them I’m fine, thanks for asking and they leave me alone until the “lead spouse” makes them check in with us all again. Every once in a while, they get annoying about it.

On my husband’s first deployment, I thought that if I didn’t comply, he would get in trouble. This is not the case (I've checked with base legal). I had a very overzealous “key spouse” who would threaten to call until I answered and then call local law enforcement if I didn’t respond within the hour. I am not kidding about her calling the police, either. She would call before 8am on weekends (I definitely ignored those calls) for the most obnoxious reasons. I started to write about the reasons, but then it got long and I realized that could be a completely different entry because it was so crazy.

Here’s my silly complaint about the situation… I hate the name “key spouse.” Why? Because my sorority symbol was a key and we often referred to little sisters as Key Sisters. It sounds petty, but I like to think of my sorority time as a happy time and their use of “key spouse” annoys me. I also didn’t like the term “phoenix spouse” either. What? Did they rise from the ashes? Were they associated with one of my favorite comic books? (I’m referring to The Phoenix in X-Men, for those of you who aren’t a huge nerd like me.) I really prefer to call them minions.

Whenever the “lead spouse” sends an email she has her name and title as her email signature. It makes me laugh a bit. Before you say, “That will be you one day, so don’t judge,” stop. It will not be me one day. My husband has no intention of staying in the military long enough to become a commander and I have no desire to be the commander’s wife. I realize these people are unpaid volunteers and I appreciate the time and effort they put into this, but I don’t always have time to drop everything and tell them where I am or what I’m doing. Again, I have no idea if this situation is normal or not. I was talking to a friend whose husband is at the same base, but in a different flying squadron and she said she’s never heard any of this before… So who knows? I could just happen to be in the squadron with incredibly enthusiastic wives.