The hardest part

This entry is not the usual attempt at being funny…

The hardest part about being a military wife is that you sometimes have to face difficult situations alone. I don’t mind dealing with car repairs or appliances that attack me, but there have been times that I just needed him there.

About this time last year, my husband was sitting alert, yet again. This meant that he had to be within 30 minutes of the base at all times and he had to sleep at a dorm on base. It was close to 11pm and I was settling into bed when my phone rang. I noticed on the caller ID that it was my sister, which was odd, because she usually just sends a text. “Linds?” said a shakey voice. “Memom just passed away.” Memom is my grandmother. She was 91 and had lived with my parents since I was a kid. She had been in the hospital that week, but we were told not to worry because she was expected to recover just fine. I know she had lived a long life, but I hadn’t been expecting this call.

My sister thought ahead and called my husband before she called me. She knew I was alone that night and thought I should have someone there. My husband probably wasn’t supposed to leave the base, but I was so grateful he did. It’s never easy to deal with news like that, but it’s especially hard when you’re alone. He let me cry myself out for the night and stayed as long as he could. After that, my overprotective little dog never left me. It’s funny how your pets just know when something isn’t right.

The funeral was in Pennsylvania, where my family is from originally and where my grandmother had already made some arrangements long before we moved to Florida. I started making plans to go to the funeral. Alone.

Since my husband was sitting alert, no one could take over for him without all kinds of drama. Apparently, the death of your wife’s grandmother is not important enough for the military to replace someone on alert or give out emergency leave. That was rough.

I am used to answering the same questions with a smile about my life and where my husband is over and over. I am a pro at going stag to weddings and I’ve even been to a few funerals alone with no problem, but this just felt wrong. It seemed heartless, somehow.

At the funeral, it came time to say goodbye, and in that moment, I would have given anything to have him there. It was one of those times where your arms feel out of place on your own body, because it’s a moment like that when they’re meant to be holding someone.

I usually find humor in awkward situations, because, let’s face it… I am really good at putting myself in them, but this was a challenge for me. I generally get over the things and it becomes a funny story, but this is one instance I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that. I realize they can’t give everyone every funeral off (especially when half the squadron is on maternity leave), but this was important.

For me, the hardest part about being a military wife is not moving, or dealing with random situations, It's facing bad news on my own. As upset as I was, I am also very fortunate, I have amazing family and friends to support me and that makes all the difference.

The Thankful Blog

I’m a few days late posting this one, but I figured it was time to update. I realize I complain. A lot. I figured it was time to post a few of the things I’m thankful for as a military wife. Here’s my list:

-          I’m thankful for affordable healthcare. There is free healthcare for military dependents, but I chose the option that costs a little extra because I’m picky about the doctors I see and I travel a lot. This also includes inexpensive prescriptions.

-          I’m thankful for housing. We have never lived on base, but we’ve always had nice places thanks to the housing allowances. In 2008 we bought our first home with the help of a VA loan.

-          Per Diem- Yes, my husband is gone a lot, but the extra adds up. One pilot on base drives an Aston Martin with a license plate that says “per diem.”

-          Tax free- Again, it’s no fun that my husband is gone a lot, but if pilots spend 1 day in a designated combat zone, they don’t pay taxes for that entire month. It adds up. I’m also grateful for the amazing vacations that we’ve been able to take thanks to the money we’ve saved.

-          Safe deployments – My husband doesn’t spend much, if any, time in those areas that you hear about on the news and I’m very thankful for that. His deployments are also usually less than 6 months, which I also appreciate very much.

-          Good friends- My friends put up with a lot and I’m not sure why they do, but I can’t thank them enough.

-          Anyone who has served or currently serves in the United States military- these people and their families make extraordinary sacrifices for this country and I am so grateful for what these soldiers and their families do.

-          Most importantly, I’m thankful for my husband. I’m blessed to have found someone who loves me for who I’ve always been. He likes that I’m independent, opinionated, and stubborn. He finds it funny when I start on one of my rants and keeps me grounded when I start to go too far. His laugh is contagious. He truly is my better half, and for that, and so many other things, I am so thankful.

Email Jail

I telecommute to work, so I am a big fan of email. In fact, I’m probably a little addicted to it. I love getting email, even the work related kind. (Well, the fact that I love my job helps that.) There are some emails, however, I am not a fan of. When I get those, over and over, I joke that I'm in "email jail."

It’s getting close to deployment time. Thankfully, because we’re moving in April, my husband has to attend a 4 month training class starting in December and he doesn’t have to go. My husband will still be away during this time, but he’ll be in the same country and I can visit him. He’ll also have time off for Christmas, so even though he’ll be away, it’s really nothing like a deployment.

This deployment was actually moved up a few months. They weren’t supposed to have to go until after the New Year, but someone in the military determined that a few months early was no big deal. If my husband had to go it would have been his 3^rd missed Christmas in 4 years. When I first heard this, I was crushed, and even though he no longer has to go, I still feel for those families.

Since it’s pre-deployment time, the onslaught of emails has started. One day, I got 7 emails in less than an hour about the pre-deployment meeting. That doesn’t include the 5 I got later in the week leading up to the meeting. I feel like that’s just excessive. Though my husband has deployed twice from here, I’ve never actually been to this meeting. Mostly because they always announce it last minute (and some of us work), but also because I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to go.

After the first one I missed, I told my husband I felt bad for not going and his reply was: “Don’t feel bad, it would have just ticked you off, Linds. They talk a lot about how to pay your bills and things like that.” I replied with, “Wait… There are grown and married people who don’t know how to pay their bills? What year do they think this is?” To which he answered with a patient smile, “See, it’s a good thing you didn’t go.” He knows me too well.

Now the really cheerful emails are starting. My favorites are the “do you have your affairs in order?” emails. These are the ones reminding you to get power of attorney and have your wills made. (We took care of that before his first deployment, but it’s still depressing to read it over and over.) It’s also a little sad that by the age of 25, I had learned all about these things and even more happy thoughts, like living wills. Thanks, Military.

I may not be the biggest fan of the spouse organization here, but I will be thinking of those wives this month. Deployment, even if only for a few months, is a dreadful thing and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. We got lucky this time, but I realize that may not be the case in the future.

Secret Agent Man

When you’re related to or married to someone in the military, there’s a good chance that you’ll have to provide a character reference for that person at some point because of security clearance. Basically this is to make sure this person doesn’t have ties to some kind of terrorist organization.

The first time I ever did a character reference was before I was married, but not long after we’d gotten engaged. I had no idea what to expect. My husband was still in college and I had just graduated. He’d been informed that he was selected for pilot training, so he needed character references for security clearance. Just as a note, this story is much funnier when I tell it in person, but I’m assuming you have a good imagination.

I was leaving work for the day when I noticed I had a voicemail on my phone. It was from a special agent asking for a time to meet to discuss my then fiancé (now husband). He appeared to have a slight accent and the message involved a lot of dramatic pauses before names like “Hello. This message is for… (pause) Lindsey.” I’d write the whole thing out, but you get the idea. He asked me to call him back to schedule a time to meet and discuss my husband. We set up a time and he said he’d call me with a place near my house that morning.

The morning of our meeting arrived and I received another call from the special agent. It went something like this (the ellipses are all of his dramatic pauses):

“Good morning… Lindsey. This is special agent… (Well, I’m going to leave off his name just to be safe.) Is this morning still a … good time? Well, then I will meet you at… (very dramatic pause here) The Panera Bread! (I’ve seriously never heard anyone say Panera Bread with such enthusiasm and drama!) I am in a suit. You will know me when you see me. I am… hard to miss. See you… Soon.”

When I arrived at Panera, I saw immediately what he meant by being hard to miss. There in the Panera of an upper class neighborhood sat a younger looking version of Saddam Hussein. I am not kidding. This guy was a dead ringer for him. I’m not sure how, but he knew who I was right away (well, I guess because he’s a special agent). He introduced himself and shook my hand, then he showed me his credentials. I looked them over, as if I’d actually know what to look for, and smiled at him. He asked if we could begin and I agreed.

Him: “Please tell me about your relationship.”

Me: “Well, he’s my fiancé but we’ve been friends since we were 15.”

Him: “Then these questions will seem… very absurd to you.”

Me: “Ok, sounds good!”

Basically he asked me about my husband’s character and if he had ties to any controversial organizations. He asked me to describe him and for a brief moment I thought, if I wanted to, I could really have some fun with this! I decided against it though, because we’d both probably end up on the no-fly list or at Guantanamo Bay or something. Not going to lie, though, this thought has crossed my mind when I’m tired of being by myself all the time. I’m kidding… Mostly.

Since that particular Panera franchise is right next to the neighborhood I grew up in, I can rarely go in there without seeing someone I know. This day was no different. I must have seen at least 7 people I knew in that short span of time who all looked at me curiously, probably wondering why I was sitting at a table with a well dressed Saddam doppelganger. It was definitely one of the more weird days of my life. The interview didn’t take long and I was out of there pretty fast.

Last year, his clearance was about to expire, so I received a call from a different special agent who was female and used far fewer dramatic pauses. Since I was home in Florida for vacation, I met her at, you guessed it… The Panera Bread! She didn’t say it with anywhere near the drama and enthusiasm as the first guy, though.

When Appliances Attack- Sprinklers

It seems that whenever your husband is away, anything that can go wrong will. I guess it’s Murphy’s law for a military wife (if you know me personally, you know why that’s particularly funny). It’s no different for me. I find myself in precarious and weird situations wondering if Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out at any moment and tell me I’ve been Punked.

It’s not that I can’t handle it, in fact, these situations make me really good at troubleshooting. If nothing else, they make entertaining stories.

My husband was deployed last summer and it was a hot one. I noticed that it hadn’t rained in a while and parts of our usually very resilient lawn were starting to get a little dried out. Not wanting a nasty letter from our incredibly vigilant homeowner’s association, I decided to water it.

The front lawn was pretty easy since there’s a sprinkler system installed. However, to turn it on, you have to use a large key to twist a knob situated in the ground under a plastic cover. I uncovered the hole and quietly yelped when a bunch of little frogs came hopping out onto my feet. I don’t have a problem with frogs, but when you’re not expecting them to jump out at you from a random hole in the ground it can be startling.

The backyard was a little trickier. For some reason, our homebuilder didn’t feel a sprinkler system would be necessary in our little backyard. I have 2 different sprinkler heads for the hose- the first one is the old school sprinkler head that ticks around in a circle. The second is the kind that shoots water up and simply goes back and forth. (This is the kind that is fun to run through when you're a kid.) I decided the second will be easier to use.

Apparently, I have chosen wrong.

I figured, you plug in the hose, turn on the water, and that’s that. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong. I turn on the water and evidently didn’t adjust the streams right, so now I am watering my whole backyard, our backdoor neighbors backyard, our back porch, and me. I run to shut off the water and adjust the flow, and turn it back on again. Now, it’s far too small, and barely watering a few feet… If this story is sounding familiar, I assure you it doesn’t end with me finding the setting that is “just right.”

When I decide that I am tired of running back and forth to the spigot on the side of the house and I have the brilliant idea to adjust the spray while it’s still on. I wait for the right moment and then run in and adjust, but once again, it’s too much. For some reason, I continue to try this method of running and adjusting. At this point, the entire right side of my body is soaked, but amazingly, my left side stays pretty much dry. I keep this up while swearing under my breath and tripping over my now slippery flip-flops.

Just after I’ve finally given up, my backdoor neighbor comes out to do something. I’m sure she’s noticed her lawn is wet on this dry and sunny late afternoon, but she simply says hello. I turn so that my left (and mostly dry) side is facing her as I try to inconspicuously roll up the hose. We make awkward small talk as I keep the right (soaked) side of myself facing toward my house. I’m sure she’s wondering what on earth I’m doing as start walking sideways and tripping over my own feet. I wish her a pleasant evening and duck inside the house to dry off. I honestly think learning a rain dance may have been more helpful… Clearly I have issues if I'm unable to get sprinklers to work properly.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if I’m on Totally Hidden Video after things like that. Surely there is a compilation of me somewhere that includes me fighting with the printer as it violently spews paper, pleading with an overflowing toilet, or spilling flour all over myself and the kitchen.

What can I say? Putting myself in odd situations is a talent of mine :)

The Numbers

I’ve mentioned this a few times, but I really hate the phrase, “this is what you signed up for.” Mostly because I didn’t sign up for anything, I got married. It also bothers me because if you ask my husband and quite a few others out there, they may have signed up for this, but they didn’t know exactly what they got themselves into.

I’m awful with numbers, but my husband was asked to do the math on exactly how many days he’s spent overseas on this assignment. The numbers were a little shocking. Since starting this assignment in January 2008, he’s officially spent 460 days overseas. If you add in time away domestically for training classes, etc it adds over 90 additional days to that number. Yes, the total number overseas includes 2 deployments, but those were only a little over 120 days for each deployment. The rest of those days were trips where the military sent him to fly overseas, often at the last minute.

This means that in a little over 3 years, he’s spent more than a year overseas. Crazy, huh?

While I know he did sign up for the military, I don’t think he signed up for that.

 I am aware that some military members deploy for a year at a time, but when they are not deployed, they’re home. That’s usually not the case with flight crews, but I do realize that we have it easier than many other soldiers and their families do.

Update: Last week, I was concerned because they pushed back the start date of the class that is necessary for his next assignment. I was upset that he may have to do yet another deployment (and miss his 3^rd Christmas in 4 years) because of the date change. As of right now, his class date has been pushed back less than 2 months, I had panicked because they originally said it could be as many as 4 or 5 months. This means there’s a good chance he will not have to deploy again before we leave his current assignment. (Fingers crossed it stays that way!) The assignment people said his commander called them personally to check on things, which I thought was pretty nice. Special thanks to everyone for thinking of us last week, you have no idea how much we appreciate it.

In case you’re keeping track of the numbers… This class is domestic, but 4 months long. Add that to at least 90 days of other domestic training classes plus 460 days overseas (That’s as of right now, he will probably fly more overseas missions before we move). So the total days gone since January 2008 (both foreign and domestic) will equal out to more than 2 years away by the time we move around April 2012.

 I’ve never been good with math but I don’t think anyone signs up for numbers like those.

Set in Stone

I wasn’t sure if I should post this entry this week. It just feels a bit petty and self-centered after the events of last week. I went back and forth over the past few days and even tried to come up with something else to write, but I couldn’t and decided to post what I already had. Please take a moment this week to remember those soldiers and their family members.  

“With the military nothing is ever set in stone.” This is one of the phrases I hear on a regular basis. I really hate this phrase. It’s second only to “this is what you signed up for.” When your husband is a pilot or on a flight crew, you are always hearing about how nothing is ever certain with the military. This is not only irritating, but it makes it nearly impossible to make any plans.

This phrase became way overused during the last deployment. First it was because they ended up being deployed a few days earlier than expected. That was upsetting because you think you have time and suddenly you don’t. It was made even more challenging by the return.

They were projected to get back right on time and we were told to prepare for it by “cleaning our houses and picking out the perfect outfit to wear.” (Seriously?) Then, a few days before the return, we were told they would be returning late. They were now projected to get home a week later than the expected return date and 3 days after the “latest possible return date”. To say I was annoyed was an understatement. Of course, I had the privilege of hearing that phrase I love so much over and over that week.

I found out why they were late returning home- apparently, someone forgot to secure diplomatic clearance for the charter plane bringing them home. Really? How do you forget something like that? It’s kind of a big deal. If this was the real world someone would have been fired, but alas, it’s not, and as everyone continued to remind me, “nothing is set in stone with the military.”

This week, that phrase is once again rearing its ugly head. My husband was supposed to leave for a 4 month class in October that will be necessary to his next assignment. This was exciting because he’d get to skip his squadron’s next 4 month deployment, which also starts in October. (It’s also part of why we agreed to this assignment.) He recently got a call saying his class date has been pushed back. This means, there’s a possibility he’ll still have to go for half the deployment and then go to the class. Of course, the half of the deployment he might have to go for would mean another missed Christmas.

Needless to say, I am a little frustrated. My husband says that things like this make him feel like Charlie Brown and the military is Lucy pulling the football away at the last minute. We’re trying to stay optimistic and not let it get to us until we know more. As everyone keeps reminding me, though, “nothing is ever set in stone with the military.” Lesson learned.

I should add, I do feel a bit ashamed for getting so annoyed over something so small considering the events of last week. I realize that 31 people received an unwelcome knock on the door and will never get to see a loved one again. My thoughts and prayers go out to those families.