Baby Steps

I meant to post this last week, but with the baby due any day now, my energy is a little zapped.

 So, I sent a reply to the commander’s wife. I didn’t feel I owed anything, but for me, it was a professional courtesy. I thanked her again for her invitations and said how much I appreciated it. I also explained that my previous challenges with involvement in a spouse organization had to do mostly with the mandatory recalls. I didn’t go into detail, but I did mention that our previous squadron would threaten visits from local law enforcement if you failed to participate in the recalls. (Again, I realize I didn’t have to explain myself here, but I wanted to.) I graciously thanked her again and also mentioned that I would consider becoming more involved after the baby came and we were settled.

 I have not heard anything in return. Since I telecommute and spend a lot of time sending emails, this one should come across as friendly and appreciative, but I know if doesn’t always work that way. Hopefully it sounded alright.

 

I do want to become more involved, mostly for the baby, but I want to do it slowly. At our last base, I hit the ground running and we all know what happened there... So I am just going to take baby steps and see what happens.

 Still on the topic of military spouses, but changing gears a little…

 If you know me well, you know that I have always believed that equality means equal rights for everyone. On June 26^th, when the Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA) was overturned, I was thrilled. I was even more excited to see the Department of Defense release the following statement:

 

Statement by Secretary Hagel on DOMA Ruling

 The Department of Defense welcomes the Supreme Court's decision today on the Defense of Marriage Act. The department will immediately begin the process of implementing the Supreme Court's decision in consultation with the Department of Justice and other executive branch agencies. The Department of Defense intends to make the same benefits available to all military spouses -- regardless of sexual orientation -- as soon as possible. That is now the law and it is the right thing to do.

Every person who serves our nation in uniform stepped forward with courage and commitment. All that matters is their patriotism, their willingness to serve their country, and their qualifications to do so. Today's ruling helps ensure that all men and women who serve this country can be treated fairly and equally, with the full dignity and respect they so richly deserve.

I sincerely hope that these husbands and wives are also receiving invitations to attend the spouse groups. Maybe if a few of them do, I will participate more :)

The saga continues...

 So, I did decide to reply to the email the commander’s wife sent me:
“Thank you so much for your generous invitation! I apologize for the delay in my reply, but I am 37 weeks pregnant, so we've had a lot going on. It would be nice to see you again, since we did not get to chat much at the Christmas party and I have been in and out of town quite a bit over the last few months. Thankfully,I have close friends in the squadron who have been doing a wonderful job of keeping me in the loop during the busy season for my job, as well as my travels. Unfortunately, I have a doctor's appointment on the aforementioned date and will not be able to make it to the coffee. Thank you again for the invitation and it was nice to hear from you!”

I won’t post her full response, but it basically requested my information again, so she could add me to the roster for emails (um… isn’t that what we’re doing now? Why is my cell necessary?). It also stated that I should join their FB group to stay up to date on information and that they would like to coordinate baby meals for me. Additionally, this was included: “If I recall I think I heard that you didn’t have the best experience in a previous spouse’s group? If that is the reason you have been hesitant to participate with I would appreciate you giving us a chance. We have a great group of ladies and would love for you to be active in our socials.”

She knows that I didn’t love the previous spouse organization but she does not know details. While it’s a nice idea, I was going to mention that I will have family visiting when the baby is born (which is true), so I will be well taken care of.  I don’t mind the social aspects and it could be helpful with a baby, but I don’t want to have to “report in” while my husband is away in the future. I’m also not sure about joining the FB page. Mine is on private, so I don’t think they could see anything, but you never know… I was thinking of giving them my home phone (Which I use mostly for work and rarely answer), but I'm not sure about the address.

I am currently working on a response, but I welcome any advice :)

Found!

Well, it took over a year, but it seems they’ve found me! The spouse’s organization, I mean. You see, when we moved here, I just didn’t give out my information. A lot of people have said, “Well, what if something happens to your husband? How will they contact you?” If something happens, they follow his emergency contact card in their system (which is up to date), it is not necessary for the spouse’s organization to also have that information. 

 Apparently the “lead spouse” here found out that some wife (me) who she was unaware of (we’ve met at least twice) was about to receive benefits and here is where the trouble started. She fired off a rude email to my friend about how she needed my contact information immediately and how upset she was that she had not been kept in the loop. The best part was, she copied her husband on the email. I feel like that’s just the adult equivalent of “I’m telling on you!” Plus, it doesn’t really matter. My actions as a spouse should have no impact on my husband’s career (well, unless maybe I break the law on base, but I rarely go there, anyway, and this certainly isn’t a law)… And that right there is a big reason as to why I had no desire to join the spouse’s organization. I have no time for drama like this.

 Well, somehow she found me herself… The other day, I received an email summoning me to a “welcome coffee” at her home (we’ve been here over a year now and I’ve met her before. Obviously, I was very memorable). She also stated in the email multiple times that she required my contact information, specifically my cell phone number. I have yet to respond but the “welcome coffee” will be when I am 37 ½ weeks pregnant. My usually diplomatic filter is deteriorating fast and frankly, I have no idea what will come out of my mouth lately. It could make for some interesting blog fodder, though.

 Some people have asked, “Why not just give them the information and get involved?” Well, my big reason is because of our previous base. If you’ve read this blog for a while now, you know that the spouse organization at our last base was always asking us to “report in” and would blow up my phone for ridiculous reasons (once, to ask if I was in Texas. This base was no where near Texas). They would also send me to email jail on a daily basis, sometimes sending as many as 10 emails in the span of an hour over things that could have been covered in 1 email. As someone who telecommutes, I spend a lot of time on my computer and I do not have time for unnecessary messages reminding me of the same things over and over again.

 Also, call me difficult, but I don’t like being told what to do by people who I don’t work for. I have a great job and I will do back flips if my leaders ask me to, but they pay me. Imagine if the spouses of your significant other’s co-workers suddenly started telling them that they needed to be in constant contact with them. It just doesn’t make sense.

 And finally, I don’t join because of the drama mentioned above. We’re adults, I don’t need someone running to their husband and “telling on me” if I don’t do exactly as they say. The “lead spouse” at our last base used to copy the commander if she disagreed. That’s just ridiculous.

I have always been involved in organizations. I’m not one to sit back and do nothing or fly under the radar, I’ve always been an achiever… but when it comes to being a military wife, I’d really rather just blend in with the crowd.

The Unexpected

Sorry it's been a while. This is kind of a long one...

 

In the military, it’s practically a crime if you don’t have children right away. Since we got married at the age of 23 (Well, I was 5 days away from my 23^rd birthday) and were right out of college, we thought it would be best to wait. This really bothered other military wives. They didn’t understand that we wanted to be financially stable and travel some. We had our lives all planned out, but there was something we weren’t prepared for…

Just over 2 years ago we decided to start thinking about having children. Since my husband is a pilot, he was gone a lot, so we figured we were just having timing issues. After about a year, my body stopped functioning the way it’s supposed to each month. I ruled out the obvious, and I assumed it was from the stress of the holidays and some international travel that I had done. I waited for 3 months, but I realized something wasn’t right.

My doctor also ruled out pregnancy and ordered some blood work and an ultrasound. The blood work came back normal, but the ultrasound revealed I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Basically it means that I get tiny cysts that can prevent ovulation. It also explained a few persistent pounds I had put on that were not coming off. He explained that this could complicate getting pregnant, but there were things we could do. My first question was, “Did I do something wrong?” My doctor answered, “Absolutely not.”

I received this diagnosis the day before hosting a baby shower for my sister. While I was thrilled for her, it was definitely a challenge not to come up with a smart ass answer when the older ladies at her shower asked, “Why don’t you have children, Lindsey?”

I started on low doses of Clomid and Metformin to assist with ovulation. They weren’t bad, but I did get a little moody and they didn’t always agree with my stomach. After a few months, it was time for another trip back to the doctor. Since we had been in the process of moving during my diagnosis, I was still seeing my doctor in Florida, which meant a 10 hour drive and balancing work on top of the travel.

My doctor scheduled another ultrasound and more blood work that had to be done on a specific day in my cycle. I had planned to drive back from Florida that day and while my job is flexible, I take it seriously and I don't think I've ever called in sick over the last 5 years. Everyone knew I was in Florida for a long weekend but didn’t know why… So asking for someone to cover for me could potentially look like I was trying to extend my long weekend. I went in for the tests in the morning, and made the long drive back that afternoon. I was tired, but I was determined.

 After that round of tests, my doctor increased the doses of my medications, but warned “If after 3 months this doesn’t work, we’ll have to talk about other options.” From my research, I knew that meant the hardcore fertility treatments. After discussing it, my husband and I decided we couldn’t handle injections. (Well, I couldn't handle getting them and he couldn't handle giving them to me.) We also discussed how we would be more than happy to adopt, but that can be a long road, as well. In the mean time, I started going to acupuncture because I had read good things about it when it comes to fertility. I am terrified of needles, but I didn’t mind this and today I swear by it.

 I didn’t feel the need to broadcast my challenges and I really tried hard not to complain, but it was frustrating watching people without issues. And while I tried to always stay positive, it was hard to understand why the universe would give someone like Snooki a baby while others struggle.

 The month before, I was 9 days late (which I thought was a little cruel of the universe), so when I was 1 day late I didn’t think much of it. I decided to test anyway, I mean, how else will Clearblue Easy stay in business, right? The test came back positive. In disbelief, I took another test (Ok 4 to be exact) all with the same results.

 My doctor confirmed the results right before Thanksgiving. We told our families and a few very close friends at Christmas, but I was hesitant to tell anyone else because I’d read people with PCOS have higher risks. Since I’m officially 20 weeks and we know for sure I am having a girl, we figured we could go public :)

I’m sure some people will say we “decided” to have a baby because others we know have had them recently, but we know that it took 2 years and a little bit of a miracle. Many women go through so much more than we did and I can’t imagine what that is like. When we finally did tell people I was surprised at how many women had similar challenges, because it’s something you just don’t talk about. The few stories I did hear before our success kept me motivated and positive.

Part of me wonders what would have happened if we hadn’t waited, but then I think about all of the amazing adventures we’ve had… We’ve seen the ruins of Pompeii and Carthage. We’ve been able to tour the Sistine Chapel and see glaciers in Alaska. We’ve been swimming with dolphins, beluga whales, and sea lions (Oh, my!). Last year, I even got to sail a transatlantic voyage aboard a brand new cruise ship. People have said our adventures are over, but we have no plans to stop and honestly… I think the adventures are just beginning :)