Starting Over... Again

Hi… I know, it’s been a while. Life has been busy and well, my time at our last base was actually pretty good. There were only a few moments of drama, but overall, it was good. When the new commander came in, his wife was super chill and actually really cool. For the first time at a base, I had a group of really good friends who I regularly hung out with.

It sounds weird to say that it was the first time, right? That doesn’t mean that I haven’t had great military friends, it just means that I haven’t had many. That’s always been strange for me too, because I’ve never had difficulty making friends and fitting in when it comes to real life, but I am not great at being a military wife in general. I’m not sure why, but it is the one time that I just can’t keep my opinions to myself.

When they were handing out the military wife Kool-Aid, I must have been drinking from my own flask or something that day because the phrase, “well, that’s military life,” makes me feel rage-y (yes, I know, not a word).

The point all of this babbling is that we’ve just moved to a new base, so, here I am starting over again. After such a great experience, you’d think it would be easy for me to dive right into meeting people again… But old habits die hard and I’m gun shy after years of not really fitting in. It’s incredibly difficult to be a social person who is antisocial at only one aspect of life.It's also worth noting that this is the 6th move in less than 11 years, so I really should be better at this. 

It’s not for lack of trying, though, I actually joined the spouse Facebook page before arriving so that I could learn more about the area.

Then the messages started.

Here the lead spouse calls herself the “spouse mentor” and she wrote to tell me that she needed my address because we’re technically in a hurricane zone. (Um… I am from Florida. I know it’s quite possible for a hurricane to hit this base, but it’s highly unlikely for a real one, not just the leftovers, to hit here.) I stopped myself from making the joke that I made 8 years ago about how I throw a great hurricane party, because that did not go over well the first time.

Another spouse sent me a message that she is my “spouse sponsor” (I have honestly never heard of a “spouse sponsor”. Active duty members often get sponsors at new bases, but it’s optional and it doesn’t really have anything to do with the spouse). She has messaged me 3 times in the past 2 weeks asking when as good time to “drop by and chat” would be. I wasn’t even here for one of those weeks and the other week, I was unpacking.

I also got 5 new friend requests on Facebook… But I haven’t met any of these people, yet. I guess I kind of asked for it by joining the page and I’m sure they mean well, but I only add people who I actually know.

The rational side of me knows that this is not the same as the base 4 years ago… But my gut says to proceed with caution because you never know. Eventually, my need to be social will win out and I’ll go to an event, though. Starting over (again) is always hard, but if nothing else, it will give me a reason to write. 

What Not to Say to a Military Wife

The Friday before Mother’s day is always Military Spouse Appreciation day, so in honor of that, I’ve comprised a list of questions and phrases to avoid with me. I can’t speak for all wives, but I know a lot of these get old for many of us … And yes, these are all things that people say to me or ask. Often.

1. When you find out about a deployment, don’t ask her opinion on the war and don’t tell her yours. It is what it is and you can’t change it. I love it when someone says to me, “We shouldn’t be over there!” We? I don’t like to talk politics with people unless they’re my best friends and even then, it can be iffy. 

2. Avoid phrases like, “I don’t know how you do it!” or “I could never let my husband do that!” I get that people have their hearts in the right place when they say this, but it’s not what we want to hear. We do it because we love someone who signed up to serve and you don’t give up on someone you love. You also don’t have a choice in the matter. Instead, just tell her that’s she’s awesome.

3. Please don’t tell her that she signed up for this. Military wives sign a marriage license, not an enlistment or commissioning contract. We didn’t sign up for anything except to get married. When people say this to me I have to count to 10 in my head to stop myself from smacking them.

4. It’s not helpful to ask if she’s worried about her husband being killed. My husband has a safe job, so I try not to worry when he’s deployed, but comments like this make things harder. Instead, just tell her you’re there for her if she needs anything.

5. Along those same lines, don’t ask if she’s worried about her husband cheating while he’s away. Again, not helpful. Instead, offer her a glass of wine or some chocolate. Much better.

6. Cargo pilots don’t typically kill people, but I’m always asked if my husband has ever has. Aside from the fact that this is an incredibly personal question, no one likes to talk about this.

7. After deployments, people often ask, “So is he done with the military now or will he have to go back?” Pilots have a 10 year commitment after they finish 2 years of pilot training, so no, he’s not done yet. And deployments are always a possibility regardless of where you’re stationed.

8. The question I get asked the most is, “where are you going next?” I'm glad people are interested, but it's exhausting because I don’t know and I won’t for a while. I know some of the possibilities if things remain the same and I know what we’d like, but I honestly have no idea and having to explain all of these factors over and over again can be tiring. (Although, I do appreciate that people are trying to understand and make conversation.)

9. No, I don’t watch “Army Wives”.

10. And for the love of everything… Never, ever compare your husband’s business trip to a deployment. It might not be fun, but I assure you, it is not the same. A week or 2 here or there is so very different from several months overseas.

Again, I’m sure not all of these bother all military spouses, but quite a few of them bug us from time to time. So to all of those military spouses out there, thanks for all you do and I hope you get to have a little fun this weekend. I am celebrating by not cooking tonight. If you know a military spouse, be sure to tell her (or him) that they’re fantastic :)

Welcome to the Dark Side

So… My friends will laugh, but I caved. I had a desperate moment and I joined the spouse organization Facebook page. I was looking for a babysitter for the pilot training graduation dinner for my husband’s latest class of students and I had exhausted most of my options. I joined the page to see the babysitter list. Sure, I could have signed up for one of those sitter sites you see on TV, but since we live in a small town, I wasn’t sure how many options there would be.

“Maybe we could just bring her with us?” my husband offered because he knew how much I had been avoiding this moment. I looked at our sweet daughter, who is really well behaved when we go out, and she smiled up and me. I considered the idea for a moment and quickly dismissed it as she blew a loud raspberry and giggled at me. I love it when she blows raspberries. Other people do not, though. I imagined the solemn tribute to MIAs and POWs that they do at all of these dinners and in my mind heard our daughter blowing loud raspberries during the moment of silence. “No, I don’t think that’s going to work,” I replied.

My mouse hovered over the “ask to join” button and with a trembling hand, I clicked it. Here we go…

A few hours later, I was in bed reading and noticed my phone blinking with a Facebook message, so I picked it up. The message was from someone I didn’t know and simply read, “Are you or your spouse stationed at this base?” Um… ok...

I replied with, “Good evening and thank you for your message! Yes, my husband is stationed at this base, thank you for following up!”

It was after 10:30pm, but I got an immediate response of, “What squadron is he in? What is his job?” I get that common courtesy isn’t really a thing on the internet, but this just seemed rude.

Again I replied, “Thank you so much for your quick response! I really appreciate it!” I also informed her of his squadron and official role.

Another message came though, “Well, why do you need to join this page? Sorry for all the questions, we just need to be sure you’re in the right place.” Oh, for the love… Really?

I almost gave up and said never mind, but I was determined to find a sitter (and be polite) so I informed her that the commander’s wife had instructed me to join the page and I was only just now getting around to doing it. I was added to the page with no further conversation or responses. Already, I could tell that this had a lot of potential to be more trouble than it was worth, but since people tell me they like hearing my stories, I figure it will give me some good ones.

A quick glance at the page already had me laughing. There were multiple posts about getting boudoir photo shoots done (Really?! Why is this a thing?). So, I’m sure I’ll have more fun stuff to talk about!

The irony of it all was that I managed to find a great babysitter though a cousin who had a friend nearby… Oh, well! I’ll stay on and lurk because it’s funny. Apparently the squadron has a page I “need” to join too, but that will have to wait for another day (and a few drinks probably too).

I told one of my good friends here about the conversation, so she could laugh at me and she responded with, “Haha! Welcome to the Dark Side!”

Dropping by

It’s been a while… So there’s a lot to write about, but I’ll start with where we left off with the birth of our daughter.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but my husband is a flight instructor at our current base. One of his groups of students was set to graduate right around the time I was due. I went in for my appointment right before my due date and the doctor said, “It could be anytime now, so, when do you want to have this baby?” My sweet husband’s reply was, “well, anytime she’s ready.” I knew deep down, he was hoping he could get through his students’ assignment night. (This is the night when pilot training students learn what plane they’ll be flying and where they’ll be going for their first real assignment.) I’d had a few contractions, but they kept stopping and starting. My husband was a little nervous to leave me for a few hours since the building he was in had no cell service, but I hung in there.

 In fact, I hung in there until late Saturday night/ early Sunday morning. Our daughter was born that Sunday afternoon (one day before her due date) and she was everything we’d hoped for and more. We are so blessed.

 I was only home for a few days when I got the first email from the commander’s wife asking for the details on my baby. I did not reply. Not because I was being rude, but because I didn’t have much time for myself and I wanted to sit down a write a proper response. Plus, my family was in town and I was soaking up every minute of newborn goodness that I could.

 My husband’s students had their graduation dinner less than 2 weeks after our daughter was born. Since my parents were in town and offered to babysit and I was feeling alright, I decided to accompany my husband the dinner.

 I don’t usually allow myself many compliments, but for having given birth less than 2 weeks prior, I didn’t look too bad. My little black dress was technically a maternity dress, but it didn’t look like one and it hid my jelly belly very well. My husband’s co-workers were all very sweet and told us how nice we looked. The commander came over to congratulate us and offer his compliments, as well. His wife was also there, so I greeted her and apologized for not getting back to her yet. She gave me a tight smile, looked me up and down a few times and said, “Well, congratulations on getting out of the house.”

 Seriously?! Ok, I wasn’t looking for a compliment, in fact, I’m usually pretty hard on myself when it comes to how I look and my body, but there are nicer things to say to someone who just had a baby! I thanked her, gave a winning smile, and took a large sip of my wine.

 2 days later my parents left and my husband went back to work. I got another email from the commander’s wife to “check in” on me. The email explained that the squadron had a baby gift for me (this is not uncommon) and asked for our address so she could “drop by” to give it to me.

 Ok, I’m sure her heart was in the right place here, but asking to “drop by” on someone you don’t know well, who has a newborn, is not ok. I was getting a shower everyday (something I am rather proud of), and my house was pretty clean, but not how I preferred it for company. I was also still getting the hang of nursing and pumping, so my days were spent with a lot more skin showing than I am used to. Not to mention, recovering from giving birth takes time. I’ll spare you the details, but it takes a while before you start feeling human again.

 I sent a very carefully written reply that I would love for her to drop by and that is was so sweet of her to bring a gift, but that my windows of time were very small due to feedings, naps, and company. I mentioned that I was sure we could work something out if she really wanted to come over, though. Thankfully, she took the hint and said she knew how tough the first few weeks wereand that she'd send the gift home with my husband.

 So, that’s how the first few weeks went… I’m going to try to update more though. The next few entries (when I have time) will include awkward conversations and joining the spouse Facebook page (yes, I caved). I’m off to go cuddle with my sweet girl… Stay tuned!

Baby Steps

I meant to post this last week, but with the baby due any day now, my energy is a little zapped.

 So, I sent a reply to the commander’s wife. I didn’t feel I owed anything, but for me, it was a professional courtesy. I thanked her again for her invitations and said how much I appreciated it. I also explained that my previous challenges with involvement in a spouse organization had to do mostly with the mandatory recalls. I didn’t go into detail, but I did mention that our previous squadron would threaten visits from local law enforcement if you failed to participate in the recalls. (Again, I realize I didn’t have to explain myself here, but I wanted to.) I graciously thanked her again and also mentioned that I would consider becoming more involved after the baby came and we were settled.

 I have not heard anything in return. Since I telecommute and spend a lot of time sending emails, this one should come across as friendly and appreciative, but I know if doesn’t always work that way. Hopefully it sounded alright.

 

I do want to become more involved, mostly for the baby, but I want to do it slowly. At our last base, I hit the ground running and we all know what happened there... So I am just going to take baby steps and see what happens.

 Still on the topic of military spouses, but changing gears a little…

 If you know me well, you know that I have always believed that equality means equal rights for everyone. On June 26^th, when the Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA) was overturned, I was thrilled. I was even more excited to see the Department of Defense release the following statement:

 

Statement by Secretary Hagel on DOMA Ruling

 The Department of Defense welcomes the Supreme Court's decision today on the Defense of Marriage Act. The department will immediately begin the process of implementing the Supreme Court's decision in consultation with the Department of Justice and other executive branch agencies. The Department of Defense intends to make the same benefits available to all military spouses -- regardless of sexual orientation -- as soon as possible. That is now the law and it is the right thing to do.

Every person who serves our nation in uniform stepped forward with courage and commitment. All that matters is their patriotism, their willingness to serve their country, and their qualifications to do so. Today's ruling helps ensure that all men and women who serve this country can be treated fairly and equally, with the full dignity and respect they so richly deserve.

I sincerely hope that these husbands and wives are also receiving invitations to attend the spouse groups. Maybe if a few of them do, I will participate more :)

The saga continues...

 So, I did decide to reply to the email the commander’s wife sent me:
“Thank you so much for your generous invitation! I apologize for the delay in my reply, but I am 37 weeks pregnant, so we've had a lot going on. It would be nice to see you again, since we did not get to chat much at the Christmas party and I have been in and out of town quite a bit over the last few months. Thankfully,I have close friends in the squadron who have been doing a wonderful job of keeping me in the loop during the busy season for my job, as well as my travels. Unfortunately, I have a doctor's appointment on the aforementioned date and will not be able to make it to the coffee. Thank you again for the invitation and it was nice to hear from you!”

I won’t post her full response, but it basically requested my information again, so she could add me to the roster for emails (um… isn’t that what we’re doing now? Why is my cell necessary?). It also stated that I should join their FB group to stay up to date on information and that they would like to coordinate baby meals for me. Additionally, this was included: “If I recall I think I heard that you didn’t have the best experience in a previous spouse’s group? If that is the reason you have been hesitant to participate with I would appreciate you giving us a chance. We have a great group of ladies and would love for you to be active in our socials.”

She knows that I didn’t love the previous spouse organization but she does not know details. While it’s a nice idea, I was going to mention that I will have family visiting when the baby is born (which is true), so I will be well taken care of.  I don’t mind the social aspects and it could be helpful with a baby, but I don’t want to have to “report in” while my husband is away in the future. I’m also not sure about joining the FB page. Mine is on private, so I don’t think they could see anything, but you never know… I was thinking of giving them my home phone (Which I use mostly for work and rarely answer), but I'm not sure about the address.

I am currently working on a response, but I welcome any advice :)

Found!

Well, it took over a year, but it seems they’ve found me! The spouse’s organization, I mean. You see, when we moved here, I just didn’t give out my information. A lot of people have said, “Well, what if something happens to your husband? How will they contact you?” If something happens, they follow his emergency contact card in their system (which is up to date), it is not necessary for the spouse’s organization to also have that information. 

 Apparently the “lead spouse” here found out that some wife (me) who she was unaware of (we’ve met at least twice) was about to receive benefits and here is where the trouble started. She fired off a rude email to my friend about how she needed my contact information immediately and how upset she was that she had not been kept in the loop. The best part was, she copied her husband on the email. I feel like that’s just the adult equivalent of “I’m telling on you!” Plus, it doesn’t really matter. My actions as a spouse should have no impact on my husband’s career (well, unless maybe I break the law on base, but I rarely go there, anyway, and this certainly isn’t a law)… And that right there is a big reason as to why I had no desire to join the spouse’s organization. I have no time for drama like this.

 Well, somehow she found me herself… The other day, I received an email summoning me to a “welcome coffee” at her home (we’ve been here over a year now and I’ve met her before. Obviously, I was very memorable). She also stated in the email multiple times that she required my contact information, specifically my cell phone number. I have yet to respond but the “welcome coffee” will be when I am 37 ½ weeks pregnant. My usually diplomatic filter is deteriorating fast and frankly, I have no idea what will come out of my mouth lately. It could make for some interesting blog fodder, though.

 Some people have asked, “Why not just give them the information and get involved?” Well, my big reason is because of our previous base. If you’ve read this blog for a while now, you know that the spouse organization at our last base was always asking us to “report in” and would blow up my phone for ridiculous reasons (once, to ask if I was in Texas. This base was no where near Texas). They would also send me to email jail on a daily basis, sometimes sending as many as 10 emails in the span of an hour over things that could have been covered in 1 email. As someone who telecommutes, I spend a lot of time on my computer and I do not have time for unnecessary messages reminding me of the same things over and over again.

 Also, call me difficult, but I don’t like being told what to do by people who I don’t work for. I have a great job and I will do back flips if my leaders ask me to, but they pay me. Imagine if the spouses of your significant other’s co-workers suddenly started telling them that they needed to be in constant contact with them. It just doesn’t make sense.

 And finally, I don’t join because of the drama mentioned above. We’re adults, I don’t need someone running to their husband and “telling on me” if I don’t do exactly as they say. The “lead spouse” at our last base used to copy the commander if she disagreed. That’s just ridiculous.

I have always been involved in organizations. I’m not one to sit back and do nothing or fly under the radar, I’ve always been an achiever… but when it comes to being a military wife, I’d really rather just blend in with the crowd.

The Unexpected

Sorry it's been a while. This is kind of a long one...

 

In the military, it’s practically a crime if you don’t have children right away. Since we got married at the age of 23 (Well, I was 5 days away from my 23^rd birthday) and were right out of college, we thought it would be best to wait. This really bothered other military wives. They didn’t understand that we wanted to be financially stable and travel some. We had our lives all planned out, but there was something we weren’t prepared for…

Just over 2 years ago we decided to start thinking about having children. Since my husband is a pilot, he was gone a lot, so we figured we were just having timing issues. After about a year, my body stopped functioning the way it’s supposed to each month. I ruled out the obvious, and I assumed it was from the stress of the holidays and some international travel that I had done. I waited for 3 months, but I realized something wasn’t right.

My doctor also ruled out pregnancy and ordered some blood work and an ultrasound. The blood work came back normal, but the ultrasound revealed I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Basically it means that I get tiny cysts that can prevent ovulation. It also explained a few persistent pounds I had put on that were not coming off. He explained that this could complicate getting pregnant, but there were things we could do. My first question was, “Did I do something wrong?” My doctor answered, “Absolutely not.”

I received this diagnosis the day before hosting a baby shower for my sister. While I was thrilled for her, it was definitely a challenge not to come up with a smart ass answer when the older ladies at her shower asked, “Why don’t you have children, Lindsey?”

I started on low doses of Clomid and Metformin to assist with ovulation. They weren’t bad, but I did get a little moody and they didn’t always agree with my stomach. After a few months, it was time for another trip back to the doctor. Since we had been in the process of moving during my diagnosis, I was still seeing my doctor in Florida, which meant a 10 hour drive and balancing work on top of the travel.

My doctor scheduled another ultrasound and more blood work that had to be done on a specific day in my cycle. I had planned to drive back from Florida that day and while my job is flexible, I take it seriously and I don't think I've ever called in sick over the last 5 years. Everyone knew I was in Florida for a long weekend but didn’t know why… So asking for someone to cover for me could potentially look like I was trying to extend my long weekend. I went in for the tests in the morning, and made the long drive back that afternoon. I was tired, but I was determined.

 After that round of tests, my doctor increased the doses of my medications, but warned “If after 3 months this doesn’t work, we’ll have to talk about other options.” From my research, I knew that meant the hardcore fertility treatments. After discussing it, my husband and I decided we couldn’t handle injections. (Well, I couldn't handle getting them and he couldn't handle giving them to me.) We also discussed how we would be more than happy to adopt, but that can be a long road, as well. In the mean time, I started going to acupuncture because I had read good things about it when it comes to fertility. I am terrified of needles, but I didn’t mind this and today I swear by it.

 I didn’t feel the need to broadcast my challenges and I really tried hard not to complain, but it was frustrating watching people without issues. And while I tried to always stay positive, it was hard to understand why the universe would give someone like Snooki a baby while others struggle.

 The month before, I was 9 days late (which I thought was a little cruel of the universe), so when I was 1 day late I didn’t think much of it. I decided to test anyway, I mean, how else will Clearblue Easy stay in business, right? The test came back positive. In disbelief, I took another test (Ok 4 to be exact) all with the same results.

 My doctor confirmed the results right before Thanksgiving. We told our families and a few very close friends at Christmas, but I was hesitant to tell anyone else because I’d read people with PCOS have higher risks. Since I’m officially 20 weeks and we know for sure I am having a girl, we figured we could go public :)

I’m sure some people will say we “decided” to have a baby because others we know have had them recently, but we know that it took 2 years and a little bit of a miracle. Many women go through so much more than we did and I can’t imagine what that is like. When we finally did tell people I was surprised at how many women had similar challenges, because it’s something you just don’t talk about. The few stories I did hear before our success kept me motivated and positive.

Part of me wonders what would have happened if we hadn’t waited, but then I think about all of the amazing adventures we’ve had… We’ve seen the ruins of Pompeii and Carthage. We’ve been able to tour the Sistine Chapel and see glaciers in Alaska. We’ve been swimming with dolphins, beluga whales, and sea lions (Oh, my!). Last year, I even got to sail a transatlantic voyage aboard a brand new cruise ship. People have said our adventures are over, but we have no plans to stop and honestly… I think the adventures are just beginning :)

Angry Birds

I thought calamities only happened when my husband was on a trip… Apparently, they can happen anytime. A few weeks ago, I felt like maybe I should be on one of those shows on Animal Planet.

 Our new neighborhood is really nice. There is a pool and a gym within walking distance of our house, so I am loving it.

 Since, it’s readily available and this is the off season for my job, I’ve been visiting the gym. Plus, the young student pilot’s wives who hang out at the pool look like they’ve stepped off the cover of a fitness magazine… But I digress.

 I’ve been happily walking back and forth to the gym each day, since it’s so close. The other day, on my way there, I noticed this bird kept flying really close to me but I didn’t think much of it and went on with my work out.

 On the way back, was another story. I passed the same building where I noticed the bird, but this time, he was making a loud noise and flying really close to me. Before I knew it, he was dive bombing me! Now, I have been attacked by mocking birds who have a nest nearby, but this was a little sparrow! This bird literally chased me down the street. When I told my husband he just laughed, but after walking the dog down there, he also confirmed that there was indeed, an angry bird present.

All weekend, I would drive past and see the little bird keeping an eye out. It appeared to have a nest under an eave of an empty townhouse on my street. When Monday rolled around, I was dreading my walk to the gym because it scared the bejeesus out of me to be chased by this thing. I was starting to feel like Tippi Hedren, knowing this bird would be there as I rounded the corner. I decided to jog in hopes that the bird wouldn’t notice, but alas, he saw me and managed to get one good dive in before I reached the gym.

On my way back from the gym, I decided to just run, which is something I avoid like the plague. I work on cardio, because hey, it’s the first rule of Zombieland but I see no reason to run until the actual zombie apocalypse… Here I go again, getting off topic… So that little bird once again chased me down the street.

I’d only just escaped (the bird must have a “territory” or something) when a student pilot came out of his house and said, “Hey… everything ok?” I was tempted to yell, “we’re under attack!” but as previously mentioned, the bird had retreated, so I just looked ridiculous. I gave him a red faced smile (I am not cute when I run) and an out of breath “hello” and continued on my way.

 This was the week that I was also attacked by ants (another story) and jumped on by a giant dog… My best friend said I need to have my own show, “When Animals Attack Lindsey.” Needless to say, even though it’s within walking distance I have been driving to the gym ever since.

New base!

So, it’s been a while, huh? It's been a busy few months! We moved to our new base, so getting settled has been an adventure. Here’s a little bit about that…

 It’s definitely a small town, but it’s nice having my husband home more than a few days at a time. It’s also nice to be able to make plans and not have to cancel them! A few weeks ago, we went to a concert. Together. It was fantastic. I know that probably doesn’t sound like much, but at the previous base if we wanted to make plans, he would have to use leave days, even on regular days off and base holidays. Pilots don’t get regular days off.

 As usual, we live off base. The base housing here seems way nicer than any other base we’ve been to, but we still have no desire to live on base for a variety of reasons. The new place is nice, more room than we need, but it works out well. We were able to put our adorable little house up for rent with a property manager and it was rented after only 2 weeks on the market! Since I was raised Catholic, I buried Saint Joseph in the front yard. I know that’s supposed to be more for selling your home, but I figured we needed all the help we could get in this market and the house did rent really fast! I don’t know anything about the tenants (people keep asking me this), it’s why we have a property manager… We’re not “landlord” types.

 The thing I miss most is probably decent shopping. When you grow up in Florida, you know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix and the nearest one to us is an hour away now. The Kroger here is kind of sad, and the commissary on base is really small. There is a good farmer’s market, though. I also miss the amazing outlet mall… The mall here is kind of limited, so I will need to do some shopping when I visit home (Florida) or my wardrobe may start to suffer.

 Miraculously, nothing was damaged in the move! The one really nice thing about moving with the military is they do almost all of it for you. Some people elect to try to move themselves and the military will reimburse. (You can actually make some decent money this way if you’re smart about it.) However, we are lazy and if we had to pack ourselves, we’d give up half way through.

 Another thing to be thankful for is my job. Since I telecommute, I can work anywhere and my leaders and team mates have been so incredibly supportive of me! I really can’t thank them enough!

 I don’t want to speak too soon, but I haven’t been contacted by the spouse association here, which is amazing.

 There may not be a ton to do here, like our last base, but at least it’s close to things, which helps. At our last base, it was estimated that my husband spent 2 out of the 4 years we were there away from home, I am looking forward to having him around a little more :) The next update will be a little more fun, I promise…

Dodging a Bullet

Sorry, it’s been a while...

Every once in a while something happens to help you realize you made the right decision. I think life has a way of showing you how you dodged a bullet. Just before the holidays, we were reminded that we made the right choice.

As previously mentioned, we are moving in April. The location is not my favorite, but I don’t think any base will ever quite compare to the one we’re currently at. The new base is not the worst location, but it’s not the best, either. I love the town we live in, and I will be sad when we move, but I’m starting to feel a little better about it.

Shortly after my husband had committed to this new assignment, the pilot who arrived here a few weeks after him and has the exact same training and qualifications was selected as a non-volunteer to a base in Oklahoma. Meaning this pilot is being forced to move as an instructor. Basically if my husband hadn’t taken this assignment, he would have been next in line.  

If you know me well, you know that I really did not care for living in Oklahoma. Nothing personal to the people of that state, I just was so not a fan of the 2 pilot training base locations. (Oklahoma City was very nice, but it was a few hours away.)

Both pilot training locations are in very small towns. I have nothing against a small town, in fact, our next base will be in a small town (and we actually live in a small town outside of a larger city), but Oklahoma was my own personal form of torture. It was just miles of nothing. I’m a pretty cheerful person, but I was miserable there. Even my happy-go-lucky husband described it as “Grapes of Wrath depressing.”

I think a major part of that stems from the fact that it rained for 20 days straight when we lived there. I am talking non-stop rain for nearly a month. Where I am from, it rains every afternoon in the summer, but then it stops. This Florida girl needs to see the sun once in a while, so I don’t go crazy!

Also,I was a theatre kid, but listening to people sing Oklahoma! to me while I was stuck there stopped being amusing real fast.

I can’t say I’ve ever experienced real depression in my life, but I wasn’t in a good place when we lived in Oklahoma. It wasn’t for long, but being so far from family, friends, and the ocean combined with no sunshine, was not a good mix for me. I was certain, at the time, that this was the circle that Dante forgot.

I’m hopeful that the next assignment will be good, but no matter what, I will try to remember: “We’re together and it’s not Oklahoma.”

The hardest part

This entry is not the usual attempt at being funny…

The hardest part about being a military wife is that you sometimes have to face difficult situations alone. I don’t mind dealing with car repairs or appliances that attack me, but there have been times that I just needed him there.

About this time last year, my husband was sitting alert, yet again. This meant that he had to be within 30 minutes of the base at all times and he had to sleep at a dorm on base. It was close to 11pm and I was settling into bed when my phone rang. I noticed on the caller ID that it was my sister, which was odd, because she usually just sends a text. “Linds?” said a shakey voice. “Memom just passed away.” Memom is my grandmother. She was 91 and had lived with my parents since I was a kid. She had been in the hospital that week, but we were told not to worry because she was expected to recover just fine. I know she had lived a long life, but I hadn’t been expecting this call.

My sister thought ahead and called my husband before she called me. She knew I was alone that night and thought I should have someone there. My husband probably wasn’t supposed to leave the base, but I was so grateful he did. It’s never easy to deal with news like that, but it’s especially hard when you’re alone. He let me cry myself out for the night and stayed as long as he could. After that, my overprotective little dog never left me. It’s funny how your pets just know when something isn’t right.

The funeral was in Pennsylvania, where my family is from originally and where my grandmother had already made some arrangements long before we moved to Florida. I started making plans to go to the funeral. Alone.

Since my husband was sitting alert, no one could take over for him without all kinds of drama. Apparently, the death of your wife’s grandmother is not important enough for the military to replace someone on alert or give out emergency leave. That was rough.

I am used to answering the same questions with a smile about my life and where my husband is over and over. I am a pro at going stag to weddings and I’ve even been to a few funerals alone with no problem, but this just felt wrong. It seemed heartless, somehow.

At the funeral, it came time to say goodbye, and in that moment, I would have given anything to have him there. It was one of those times where your arms feel out of place on your own body, because it’s a moment like that when they’re meant to be holding someone.

I usually find humor in awkward situations, because, let’s face it… I am really good at putting myself in them, but this was a challenge for me. I generally get over the things and it becomes a funny story, but this is one instance I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that. I realize they can’t give everyone every funeral off (especially when half the squadron is on maternity leave), but this was important.

For me, the hardest part about being a military wife is not moving, or dealing with random situations, It's facing bad news on my own. As upset as I was, I am also very fortunate, I have amazing family and friends to support me and that makes all the difference.

The Thankful Blog

I’m a few days late posting this one, but I figured it was time to update. I realize I complain. A lot. I figured it was time to post a few of the things I’m thankful for as a military wife. Here’s my list:

-          I’m thankful for affordable healthcare. There is free healthcare for military dependents, but I chose the option that costs a little extra because I’m picky about the doctors I see and I travel a lot. This also includes inexpensive prescriptions.

-          I’m thankful for housing. We have never lived on base, but we’ve always had nice places thanks to the housing allowances. In 2008 we bought our first home with the help of a VA loan.

-          Per Diem- Yes, my husband is gone a lot, but the extra adds up. One pilot on base drives an Aston Martin with a license plate that says “per diem.”

-          Tax free- Again, it’s no fun that my husband is gone a lot, but if pilots spend 1 day in a designated combat zone, they don’t pay taxes for that entire month. It adds up. I’m also grateful for the amazing vacations that we’ve been able to take thanks to the money we’ve saved.

-          Safe deployments – My husband doesn’t spend much, if any, time in those areas that you hear about on the news and I’m very thankful for that. His deployments are also usually less than 6 months, which I also appreciate very much.

-          Good friends- My friends put up with a lot and I’m not sure why they do, but I can’t thank them enough.

-          Anyone who has served or currently serves in the United States military- these people and their families make extraordinary sacrifices for this country and I am so grateful for what these soldiers and their families do.

-          Most importantly, I’m thankful for my husband. I’m blessed to have found someone who loves me for who I’ve always been. He likes that I’m independent, opinionated, and stubborn. He finds it funny when I start on one of my rants and keeps me grounded when I start to go too far. His laugh is contagious. He truly is my better half, and for that, and so many other things, I am so thankful.

Email Jail

I telecommute to work, so I am a big fan of email. In fact, I’m probably a little addicted to it. I love getting email, even the work related kind. (Well, the fact that I love my job helps that.) There are some emails, however, I am not a fan of. When I get those, over and over, I joke that I'm in "email jail."

It’s getting close to deployment time. Thankfully, because we’re moving in April, my husband has to attend a 4 month training class starting in December and he doesn’t have to go. My husband will still be away during this time, but he’ll be in the same country and I can visit him. He’ll also have time off for Christmas, so even though he’ll be away, it’s really nothing like a deployment.

This deployment was actually moved up a few months. They weren’t supposed to have to go until after the New Year, but someone in the military determined that a few months early was no big deal. If my husband had to go it would have been his 3^rd missed Christmas in 4 years. When I first heard this, I was crushed, and even though he no longer has to go, I still feel for those families.

Since it’s pre-deployment time, the onslaught of emails has started. One day, I got 7 emails in less than an hour about the pre-deployment meeting. That doesn’t include the 5 I got later in the week leading up to the meeting. I feel like that’s just excessive. Though my husband has deployed twice from here, I’ve never actually been to this meeting. Mostly because they always announce it last minute (and some of us work), but also because I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to go.

After the first one I missed, I told my husband I felt bad for not going and his reply was: “Don’t feel bad, it would have just ticked you off, Linds. They talk a lot about how to pay your bills and things like that.” I replied with, “Wait… There are grown and married people who don’t know how to pay their bills? What year do they think this is?” To which he answered with a patient smile, “See, it’s a good thing you didn’t go.” He knows me too well.

Now the really cheerful emails are starting. My favorites are the “do you have your affairs in order?” emails. These are the ones reminding you to get power of attorney and have your wills made. (We took care of that before his first deployment, but it’s still depressing to read it over and over.) It’s also a little sad that by the age of 25, I had learned all about these things and even more happy thoughts, like living wills. Thanks, Military.

I may not be the biggest fan of the spouse organization here, but I will be thinking of those wives this month. Deployment, even if only for a few months, is a dreadful thing and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. We got lucky this time, but I realize that may not be the case in the future.

Secret Agent Man

When you’re related to or married to someone in the military, there’s a good chance that you’ll have to provide a character reference for that person at some point because of security clearance. Basically this is to make sure this person doesn’t have ties to some kind of terrorist organization.

The first time I ever did a character reference was before I was married, but not long after we’d gotten engaged. I had no idea what to expect. My husband was still in college and I had just graduated. He’d been informed that he was selected for pilot training, so he needed character references for security clearance. Just as a note, this story is much funnier when I tell it in person, but I’m assuming you have a good imagination.

I was leaving work for the day when I noticed I had a voicemail on my phone. It was from a special agent asking for a time to meet to discuss my then fiancé (now husband). He appeared to have a slight accent and the message involved a lot of dramatic pauses before names like “Hello. This message is for… (pause) Lindsey.” I’d write the whole thing out, but you get the idea. He asked me to call him back to schedule a time to meet and discuss my husband. We set up a time and he said he’d call me with a place near my house that morning.

The morning of our meeting arrived and I received another call from the special agent. It went something like this (the ellipses are all of his dramatic pauses):

“Good morning… Lindsey. This is special agent… (Well, I’m going to leave off his name just to be safe.) Is this morning still a … good time? Well, then I will meet you at… (very dramatic pause here) The Panera Bread! (I’ve seriously never heard anyone say Panera Bread with such enthusiasm and drama!) I am in a suit. You will know me when you see me. I am… hard to miss. See you… Soon.”

When I arrived at Panera, I saw immediately what he meant by being hard to miss. There in the Panera of an upper class neighborhood sat a younger looking version of Saddam Hussein. I am not kidding. This guy was a dead ringer for him. I’m not sure how, but he knew who I was right away (well, I guess because he’s a special agent). He introduced himself and shook my hand, then he showed me his credentials. I looked them over, as if I’d actually know what to look for, and smiled at him. He asked if we could begin and I agreed.

Him: “Please tell me about your relationship.”

Me: “Well, he’s my fiancé but we’ve been friends since we were 15.”

Him: “Then these questions will seem… very absurd to you.”

Me: “Ok, sounds good!”

Basically he asked me about my husband’s character and if he had ties to any controversial organizations. He asked me to describe him and for a brief moment I thought, if I wanted to, I could really have some fun with this! I decided against it though, because we’d both probably end up on the no-fly list or at Guantanamo Bay or something. Not going to lie, though, this thought has crossed my mind when I’m tired of being by myself all the time. I’m kidding… Mostly.

Since that particular Panera franchise is right next to the neighborhood I grew up in, I can rarely go in there without seeing someone I know. This day was no different. I must have seen at least 7 people I knew in that short span of time who all looked at me curiously, probably wondering why I was sitting at a table with a well dressed Saddam doppelganger. It was definitely one of the more weird days of my life. The interview didn’t take long and I was out of there pretty fast.

Last year, his clearance was about to expire, so I received a call from a different special agent who was female and used far fewer dramatic pauses. Since I was home in Florida for vacation, I met her at, you guessed it… The Panera Bread! She didn’t say it with anywhere near the drama and enthusiasm as the first guy, though.

When Appliances Attack- Sprinklers

It seems that whenever your husband is away, anything that can go wrong will. I guess it’s Murphy’s law for a military wife (if you know me personally, you know why that’s particularly funny). It’s no different for me. I find myself in precarious and weird situations wondering if Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out at any moment and tell me I’ve been Punked.

It’s not that I can’t handle it, in fact, these situations make me really good at troubleshooting. If nothing else, they make entertaining stories.

My husband was deployed last summer and it was a hot one. I noticed that it hadn’t rained in a while and parts of our usually very resilient lawn were starting to get a little dried out. Not wanting a nasty letter from our incredibly vigilant homeowner’s association, I decided to water it.

The front lawn was pretty easy since there’s a sprinkler system installed. However, to turn it on, you have to use a large key to twist a knob situated in the ground under a plastic cover. I uncovered the hole and quietly yelped when a bunch of little frogs came hopping out onto my feet. I don’t have a problem with frogs, but when you’re not expecting them to jump out at you from a random hole in the ground it can be startling.

The backyard was a little trickier. For some reason, our homebuilder didn’t feel a sprinkler system would be necessary in our little backyard. I have 2 different sprinkler heads for the hose- the first one is the old school sprinkler head that ticks around in a circle. The second is the kind that shoots water up and simply goes back and forth. (This is the kind that is fun to run through when you're a kid.) I decided the second will be easier to use.

Apparently, I have chosen wrong.

I figured, you plug in the hose, turn on the water, and that’s that. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong. I turn on the water and evidently didn’t adjust the streams right, so now I am watering my whole backyard, our backdoor neighbors backyard, our back porch, and me. I run to shut off the water and adjust the flow, and turn it back on again. Now, it’s far too small, and barely watering a few feet… If this story is sounding familiar, I assure you it doesn’t end with me finding the setting that is “just right.”

When I decide that I am tired of running back and forth to the spigot on the side of the house and I have the brilliant idea to adjust the spray while it’s still on. I wait for the right moment and then run in and adjust, but once again, it’s too much. For some reason, I continue to try this method of running and adjusting. At this point, the entire right side of my body is soaked, but amazingly, my left side stays pretty much dry. I keep this up while swearing under my breath and tripping over my now slippery flip-flops.

Just after I’ve finally given up, my backdoor neighbor comes out to do something. I’m sure she’s noticed her lawn is wet on this dry and sunny late afternoon, but she simply says hello. I turn so that my left (and mostly dry) side is facing her as I try to inconspicuously roll up the hose. We make awkward small talk as I keep the right (soaked) side of myself facing toward my house. I’m sure she’s wondering what on earth I’m doing as start walking sideways and tripping over my own feet. I wish her a pleasant evening and duck inside the house to dry off. I honestly think learning a rain dance may have been more helpful… Clearly I have issues if I'm unable to get sprinklers to work properly.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if I’m on Totally Hidden Video after things like that. Surely there is a compilation of me somewhere that includes me fighting with the printer as it violently spews paper, pleading with an overflowing toilet, or spilling flour all over myself and the kitchen.

What can I say? Putting myself in odd situations is a talent of mine :)

The Numbers

I’ve mentioned this a few times, but I really hate the phrase, “this is what you signed up for.” Mostly because I didn’t sign up for anything, I got married. It also bothers me because if you ask my husband and quite a few others out there, they may have signed up for this, but they didn’t know exactly what they got themselves into.

I’m awful with numbers, but my husband was asked to do the math on exactly how many days he’s spent overseas on this assignment. The numbers were a little shocking. Since starting this assignment in January 2008, he’s officially spent 460 days overseas. If you add in time away domestically for training classes, etc it adds over 90 additional days to that number. Yes, the total number overseas includes 2 deployments, but those were only a little over 120 days for each deployment. The rest of those days were trips where the military sent him to fly overseas, often at the last minute.

This means that in a little over 3 years, he’s spent more than a year overseas. Crazy, huh?

While I know he did sign up for the military, I don’t think he signed up for that.

 I am aware that some military members deploy for a year at a time, but when they are not deployed, they’re home. That’s usually not the case with flight crews, but I do realize that we have it easier than many other soldiers and their families do.

Update: Last week, I was concerned because they pushed back the start date of the class that is necessary for his next assignment. I was upset that he may have to do yet another deployment (and miss his 3^rd Christmas in 4 years) because of the date change. As of right now, his class date has been pushed back less than 2 months, I had panicked because they originally said it could be as many as 4 or 5 months. This means there’s a good chance he will not have to deploy again before we leave his current assignment. (Fingers crossed it stays that way!) The assignment people said his commander called them personally to check on things, which I thought was pretty nice. Special thanks to everyone for thinking of us last week, you have no idea how much we appreciate it.

In case you’re keeping track of the numbers… This class is domestic, but 4 months long. Add that to at least 90 days of other domestic training classes plus 460 days overseas (That’s as of right now, he will probably fly more overseas missions before we move). So the total days gone since January 2008 (both foreign and domestic) will equal out to more than 2 years away by the time we move around April 2012.

 I’ve never been good with math but I don’t think anyone signs up for numbers like those.

Set in Stone

I wasn’t sure if I should post this entry this week. It just feels a bit petty and self-centered after the events of last week. I went back and forth over the past few days and even tried to come up with something else to write, but I couldn’t and decided to post what I already had. Please take a moment this week to remember those soldiers and their family members.  

“With the military nothing is ever set in stone.” This is one of the phrases I hear on a regular basis. I really hate this phrase. It’s second only to “this is what you signed up for.” When your husband is a pilot or on a flight crew, you are always hearing about how nothing is ever certain with the military. This is not only irritating, but it makes it nearly impossible to make any plans.

This phrase became way overused during the last deployment. First it was because they ended up being deployed a few days earlier than expected. That was upsetting because you think you have time and suddenly you don’t. It was made even more challenging by the return.

They were projected to get back right on time and we were told to prepare for it by “cleaning our houses and picking out the perfect outfit to wear.” (Seriously?) Then, a few days before the return, we were told they would be returning late. They were now projected to get home a week later than the expected return date and 3 days after the “latest possible return date”. To say I was annoyed was an understatement. Of course, I had the privilege of hearing that phrase I love so much over and over that week.

I found out why they were late returning home- apparently, someone forgot to secure diplomatic clearance for the charter plane bringing them home. Really? How do you forget something like that? It’s kind of a big deal. If this was the real world someone would have been fired, but alas, it’s not, and as everyone continued to remind me, “nothing is set in stone with the military.”

This week, that phrase is once again rearing its ugly head. My husband was supposed to leave for a 4 month class in October that will be necessary to his next assignment. This was exciting because he’d get to skip his squadron’s next 4 month deployment, which also starts in October. (It’s also part of why we agreed to this assignment.) He recently got a call saying his class date has been pushed back. This means, there’s a possibility he’ll still have to go for half the deployment and then go to the class. Of course, the half of the deployment he might have to go for would mean another missed Christmas.

Needless to say, I am a little frustrated. My husband says that things like this make him feel like Charlie Brown and the military is Lucy pulling the football away at the last minute. We’re trying to stay optimistic and not let it get to us until we know more. As everyone keeps reminding me, though, “nothing is ever set in stone with the military.” Lesson learned.

I should add, I do feel a bit ashamed for getting so annoyed over something so small considering the events of last week. I realize that 31 people received an unwelcome knock on the door and will never get to see a loved one again. My thoughts and prayers go out to those families.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

In honor of the state of New York’s first week gay marriages, I thought it would be a good time for this post. I really try to stay away from discussing politics because people get very passionate about these things, but this is something I have trouble being quiet about.  Please note, I am not trying to start arguments here. It’s just my opinions and observations.

I started singing around the age of 12. I went to a performing arts high school and I was a theatre major in college. In addition, I’ve worked for the same company for 13 years and they provide same sex domestic partnership benefits. I’ve grown up having quite a few friends who are gay. I even had 2 readers at my Catholic wedding who were gay- one of them was my husband’s uncle and the other was one of my best friends. I don’t think there should be a difference in straight rights vs. gay rights, this is about human rights.

In my opinion, it’s time for Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to be gone completely. I realize it’s on the way out, but the military is still telling soldiers not to come out “just in case”. I understand the need to be cautious, but I think it’s time. There are always going to be people who are small minded when it comes to those who are “different,” but I don’t know if that can be helped. If someone is willing to die for their country, why should their sexual orientation matter? My husband and I have talked about this a lot and he agrees with me.

For the closed minded people who think they’re going to be hit on or harassed by having gays in the military… I assure you, the chances of that happening are pretty slim. However, I do applaud the confidence of these people. You must be quite a catch to be so sure that everyone wants you! I’m actually more concerned that those who are openly gay would continue to be discriminated against. The armed forces of other nations (including Israel) allow gays in their military and it doesn’t seem to be an issue.

I think part of the problem is that people get too caught up in the nomenclature. I think if people stopped focusing on phrases like gays in the military and gay marriage and started focusing on the word equality instead, things seem less complicated. I guess not everyone thinks that way, though…

Aside from the fact that everyone deserves equal rights, I also have a selfish reason for wanting DADT gone. I’d personally like to see things get a little more fabulous. Not from a military standpoint, but for the spouses. I would totally start going to the spouse activities if they started including same sex partners! And why couldn’t they? They include girlfriends in the spouse activities. Oh, and it would be really awesome if someone’s partner became the “lead spouse”! I might actually want to comply with things :)

To quote one of my favorite actors, Neil Patrick Harris, on the first day of gay marriage in New York: “800 and some gay couples got married in New York yesterday. And the world didn’t end.” I don’t think the world will end if we allow people who are gay to serve their country either.

Ok, I’ll step down from my soapbox now :)

I exist!

If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m not what you would call an involved military wife. Sure, I send my husband care packages and support him even when I disagree with stuff, but I don’t really get involved. All my life, I’ve been someone who gets involved, but I’ve just never really had the desire to get involved in the spouse organization.

My lack of involvement has turned into something of legends, I think, because people always seem surprised when they meet me. Maybe it’s rare that wives don’t get involved or something? We’ve just never been the types to spend Friday nights at the officer’s club hobnobbing with other pilots and their wives.

The “legend” started when my husband was in pilot training in Oklahoma. Pilot training hours are long and tedious and we both hated that place. He was always in class, so there wasn’t much for me to do. At his pilot training graduation, he would introduce me to his classmates and they would sort of raise their eyebrows and say something like, “Oh, pleased to finally meet you.”

We sat down for the graduation rewards dinner and I was seated next to a female member of my husband's training class. She was built petite, but very athletic looking with cropped hair and no make-up. I introduced myself to her and she replied in a voice that reminded me of a young P.E. teacher, “Wow. Nice to see you actually exist. I mean, no offense, but it’s not like you’re ever around.”

First off, I hate it when people say “no offense”, because it means they’re about to say something offensive and it seems they think that phrase should excuse whatever rude thing comes out of their mouth. Second, what a thing to say to someone you just met! Seriously? I smiled and replied with, “well, I like to keep people guessing.” She rolled her eyes and went back to talking with her weird family.

And they were weird. They brought their own to go boxes for the dinner. I’m all for bringing home leftovers, but this dinner was served banquet style like a wedding or convention dinner. Not something you typically bring home a doggy bag from. (Not to mention that convention food really isn’t the greatest.) Also, their understanding of “dressy attire” included denim. I know, these things seem petty, but noticing them made me feel better about myself at the time.

I found out later that this particular pilot came in just behind my husband in the point standings of their pilot training class. Your class standing helps determine the assignment you’ll get out of pilot training… She apparently really wanted the assignment my husband got and obviously she got something else. 

At our current base, I also try to avoid getting involved, mostly because it causes incessant emails and phone calls from the “lead spouse” and the “key spouses.” I’ve never been someone who tries to fly under the radar, but I find myself doing that more lately. This goes against the overachieving theatre kid in me, but I don't mind. I may not be someone who is super involved, but I assure you, I exist.