What Not to Say to a Military Wife

The Friday before Mother’s day is always Military Spouse Appreciation day, so in honor of that, I’ve comprised a list of questions and phrases to avoid with me. I can’t speak for all wives, but I know a lot of these get old for many of us … And yes, these are all things that people say to me or ask. Often.

1. When you find out about a deployment, don’t ask her opinion on the war and don’t tell her yours. It is what it is and you can’t change it. I love it when someone says to me, “We shouldn’t be over there!” We? I don’t like to talk politics with people unless they’re my best friends and even then, it can be iffy. 

2. Avoid phrases like, “I don’t know how you do it!” or “I could never let my husband do that!” I get that people have their hearts in the right place when they say this, but it’s not what we want to hear. We do it because we love someone who signed up to serve and you don’t give up on someone you love. You also don’t have a choice in the matter. Instead, just tell her that’s she’s awesome.

3. Please don’t tell her that she signed up for this. Military wives sign a marriage license, not an enlistment or commissioning contract. We didn’t sign up for anything except to get married. When people say this to me I have to count to 10 in my head to stop myself from smacking them.

4. It’s not helpful to ask if she’s worried about her husband being killed. My husband has a safe job, so I try not to worry when he’s deployed, but comments like this make things harder. Instead, just tell her you’re there for her if she needs anything.

5. Along those same lines, don’t ask if she’s worried about her husband cheating while he’s away. Again, not helpful. Instead, offer her a glass of wine or some chocolate. Much better.

6. Cargo pilots don’t typically kill people, but I’m always asked if my husband has ever has. Aside from the fact that this is an incredibly personal question, no one likes to talk about this.

7. After deployments, people often ask, “So is he done with the military now or will he have to go back?” Pilots have a 10 year commitment after they finish 2 years of pilot training, so no, he’s not done yet. And deployments are always a possibility regardless of where you’re stationed.

8. The question I get asked the most is, “where are you going next?” I'm glad people are interested, but it's exhausting because I don’t know and I won’t for a while. I know some of the possibilities if things remain the same and I know what we’d like, but I honestly have no idea and having to explain all of these factors over and over again can be tiring. (Although, I do appreciate that people are trying to understand and make conversation.)

9. No, I don’t watch “Army Wives”.

10. And for the love of everything… Never, ever compare your husband’s business trip to a deployment. It might not be fun, but I assure you, it is not the same. A week or 2 here or there is so very different from several months overseas.

Again, I’m sure not all of these bother all military spouses, but quite a few of them bug us from time to time. So to all of those military spouses out there, thanks for all you do and I hope you get to have a little fun this weekend. I am celebrating by not cooking tonight. If you know a military spouse, be sure to tell her (or him) that they’re fantastic :)

Welcome to the Dark Side

So… My friends will laugh, but I caved. I had a desperate moment and I joined the spouse organization Facebook page. I was looking for a babysitter for the pilot training graduation dinner for my husband’s latest class of students and I had exhausted most of my options. I joined the page to see the babysitter list. Sure, I could have signed up for one of those sitter sites you see on TV, but since we live in a small town, I wasn’t sure how many options there would be.

“Maybe we could just bring her with us?” my husband offered because he knew how much I had been avoiding this moment. I looked at our sweet daughter, who is really well behaved when we go out, and she smiled up and me. I considered the idea for a moment and quickly dismissed it as she blew a loud raspberry and giggled at me. I love it when she blows raspberries. Other people do not, though. I imagined the solemn tribute to MIAs and POWs that they do at all of these dinners and in my mind heard our daughter blowing loud raspberries during the moment of silence. “No, I don’t think that’s going to work,” I replied.

My mouse hovered over the “ask to join” button and with a trembling hand, I clicked it. Here we go…

A few hours later, I was in bed reading and noticed my phone blinking with a Facebook message, so I picked it up. The message was from someone I didn’t know and simply read, “Are you or your spouse stationed at this base?” Um… ok...

I replied with, “Good evening and thank you for your message! Yes, my husband is stationed at this base, thank you for following up!”

It was after 10:30pm, but I got an immediate response of, “What squadron is he in? What is his job?” I get that common courtesy isn’t really a thing on the internet, but this just seemed rude.

Again I replied, “Thank you so much for your quick response! I really appreciate it!” I also informed her of his squadron and official role.

Another message came though, “Well, why do you need to join this page? Sorry for all the questions, we just need to be sure you’re in the right place.” Oh, for the love… Really?

I almost gave up and said never mind, but I was determined to find a sitter (and be polite) so I informed her that the commander’s wife had instructed me to join the page and I was only just now getting around to doing it. I was added to the page with no further conversation or responses. Already, I could tell that this had a lot of potential to be more trouble than it was worth, but since people tell me they like hearing my stories, I figure it will give me some good ones.

A quick glance at the page already had me laughing. There were multiple posts about getting boudoir photo shoots done (Really?! Why is this a thing?). So, I’m sure I’ll have more fun stuff to talk about!

The irony of it all was that I managed to find a great babysitter though a cousin who had a friend nearby… Oh, well! I’ll stay on and lurk because it’s funny. Apparently the squadron has a page I “need” to join too, but that will have to wait for another day (and a few drinks probably too).

I told one of my good friends here about the conversation, so she could laugh at me and she responded with, “Haha! Welcome to the Dark Side!”

Dropping by

It’s been a while… So there’s a lot to write about, but I’ll start with where we left off with the birth of our daughter.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but my husband is a flight instructor at our current base. One of his groups of students was set to graduate right around the time I was due. I went in for my appointment right before my due date and the doctor said, “It could be anytime now, so, when do you want to have this baby?” My sweet husband’s reply was, “well, anytime she’s ready.” I knew deep down, he was hoping he could get through his students’ assignment night. (This is the night when pilot training students learn what plane they’ll be flying and where they’ll be going for their first real assignment.) I’d had a few contractions, but they kept stopping and starting. My husband was a little nervous to leave me for a few hours since the building he was in had no cell service, but I hung in there.

 In fact, I hung in there until late Saturday night/ early Sunday morning. Our daughter was born that Sunday afternoon (one day before her due date) and she was everything we’d hoped for and more. We are so blessed.

 I was only home for a few days when I got the first email from the commander’s wife asking for the details on my baby. I did not reply. Not because I was being rude, but because I didn’t have much time for myself and I wanted to sit down a write a proper response. Plus, my family was in town and I was soaking up every minute of newborn goodness that I could.

 My husband’s students had their graduation dinner less than 2 weeks after our daughter was born. Since my parents were in town and offered to babysit and I was feeling alright, I decided to accompany my husband the dinner.

 I don’t usually allow myself many compliments, but for having given birth less than 2 weeks prior, I didn’t look too bad. My little black dress was technically a maternity dress, but it didn’t look like one and it hid my jelly belly very well. My husband’s co-workers were all very sweet and told us how nice we looked. The commander came over to congratulate us and offer his compliments, as well. His wife was also there, so I greeted her and apologized for not getting back to her yet. She gave me a tight smile, looked me up and down a few times and said, “Well, congratulations on getting out of the house.”

 Seriously?! Ok, I wasn’t looking for a compliment, in fact, I’m usually pretty hard on myself when it comes to how I look and my body, but there are nicer things to say to someone who just had a baby! I thanked her, gave a winning smile, and took a large sip of my wine.

 2 days later my parents left and my husband went back to work. I got another email from the commander’s wife to “check in” on me. The email explained that the squadron had a baby gift for me (this is not uncommon) and asked for our address so she could “drop by” to give it to me.

 Ok, I’m sure her heart was in the right place here, but asking to “drop by” on someone you don’t know well, who has a newborn, is not ok. I was getting a shower everyday (something I am rather proud of), and my house was pretty clean, but not how I preferred it for company. I was also still getting the hang of nursing and pumping, so my days were spent with a lot more skin showing than I am used to. Not to mention, recovering from giving birth takes time. I’ll spare you the details, but it takes a while before you start feeling human again.

 I sent a very carefully written reply that I would love for her to drop by and that is was so sweet of her to bring a gift, but that my windows of time were very small due to feedings, naps, and company. I mentioned that I was sure we could work something out if she really wanted to come over, though. Thankfully, she took the hint and said she knew how tough the first few weeks wereand that she'd send the gift home with my husband.

 So, that’s how the first few weeks went… I’m going to try to update more though. The next few entries (when I have time) will include awkward conversations and joining the spouse Facebook page (yes, I caved). I’m off to go cuddle with my sweet girl… Stay tuned!