A little "me time"

In every marriage there is compromise. It’s truly a balancing act to handle everything. I think it’s even more so when you’re a military wife. You simply can’t do it all sometimes and that’s challenging for me to accept.

With my sister’s wedding coming up, I’m looking at a full calendar for the week. It’s taken some planning, but I think I can do it all. I feel so grateful that even my husband was able to get leave. In my mind, this week is all about my sister and she is my priority, but she’s also not very demanding, so I can find time to do a few things I want to. I was even able to schedule some time with good friends who I rarely see, thanks to their willingness to work around my crazy schedule.

I’m very fortunate that I get to go home often and see my family. This especially helpful when my husband is gone for long amounts of time, but it sometimes still takes some balancing. I hate missing out on things. I once drove more than 7 hours to be with my family when my nephew was born. I try to be there for everything but I’ve missed out on quite a few things too. For lack of a better word, it really sucks missing out on major events.

One of the hardest parts is that I sometimes have to choose me instead. I’m usually happy to go with the flow and do things according to what works best for other people, but sometimes I just can’t. I don’t put myself first all time, and sometimes it’s what I really need. This became especially important during the last deployment. I know what you’re thinking, if you’re alone so much, isn’t that “me time”? No, because I think for proper “me time” one has to be enjoying themselves and I was not.

Usually, I do fine on my own. I’m actually pretty good at trouble shooting most things. It just felt like everything went crazy at one point- I had car trouble, of course, and my blackberry decided to kick the bucket. On top of that, the toilet overflowed in 1 bathroom and the flusher broke on the other toilet (lucky me). In addition, I telecommute for work and my internet and computer decided to get hostile with me. A large picture in my bathroom randomly fell off the wall while I was brushing my teeth and managed to not only hit me, but the wall the whole way down. I got into a rather comical fight with a sprinkler in the back yard and I lost count of the number of times I tripped, fell, broke stuff, etc. It felt like my house and electronics were rebelling against me. The majority of this stuff happened in the span of about 3 weeks and I was starting to wonder if I was being punked or something.

I was in major need of some time for myself. When this happens, I usually find myself going home to Florida, because sometimes “me time” means being with the people who just get you. If I can’t do that, I try to go shopping or get a facial or something that makes me happy. This year, I missed a few events that were important to family and friends, but I needed to. I was in desperate need of doing what I wanted to do, and on my terms. I realize that doesn’t always make people happy, but most seemed to understand and I tried to make it up to people. Could I have handled things differently? Yes, but this was what I needed most at the time.

I spend a lot of time trying to make other people happy and I love that. It feels good to make someone else’s day, but I think it’s important in life to find sometime for yourself, doing what makes you happy. I wish I could be everywhere, but it’s just not possible sometimes. It bothers me, but I’m so incredibly blessed by friends and family who are there for me and understand.

Say what?

Here’s another funny story that happened to me. Please note, this is not political, it’s just another one of the random things I’ve experienced here. This story tends to be a little more humorous when I actually tell it, so I’m hoping it will be ok written, as well. Again, I know most military spouses are not like this, but this is just one of those weird moments.

I grew up singing in choirs and I was a theatre major (another thing military people don’t always get, but that’s another entry entirely). I have also worked for the same company since I was 16 and they provide same sex domestic partnership benefits. These things all add up to me having quite a few gay friends. It’s never something that was weird to me, possibly because I was around it so much, but it never just occurred to me that some people didn’t grow up like I did. The funny part is, I come from a conservative, Irish Catholic family, and it’s never been an issue. In my mind, a good friend is just that, the other stuff doesn’t matter.

I have found a few friends here who are very open minded… but I’ve also seen a few over my years as a military wife, who are not. One of my favorite shows is Rent. It came out when I was in high school and we were all obsessed with it for a while. When it closed on Broadway, they showed the final live performance in local movie theatres. I made the mistake of mentioning this at one of the few spouse outings I went to here. I think someone mentioned that they loved musicals, and this is how the conversation went.

Me: Oh, well if you love musicals, the final performance of Rent is going to be playing at the movie theatre. I was planning to go, if you want.

Her: (with a slightly appalled look) Um, isn’t that the show with (looks around) gay people in it? (And I kid you not, she mouthed the word gay rather than actually saying it.)

Me: (trying to decide if she is serious) well, yeah, some of the characters are, but it’s a really great show.

Her: yeah, but I heard there are (again mouthing the word) gay things that happen in it.

Me: (I just stared at her thinking, oh, for the love! Is this chick for real?)

Her: Sorry, I think I’d rather see Wicked or something.

Needless to say, I found someone else to go with me. I was seriously thinking, though, if there ever was a face palm moment, this is it! Wow. Who knew that was a dirty word? I wanted to tell her that half the performers in any musical are probably gay, but I think that might have blown her mind too much. It was also this same spouse who was asking me for tips for her Florida trip and I realized she had scheduled it for the week of Gay Days in Orlando… That was a fun conversation.

Another time, I was talking with someone else about a restaurant called Hamburger Mary’s. If you’re not familiar with this chain, they serve great burgers in a fun atmosphere. Sometimes there is also a drag show and your bill always comes in a high heel shoe. She asked what I did that weekend and I explained I went out to celebrate a friend’s birthday at there.

Her: Ohhh, I’ve heard of that place, it’s like an alternative lifestyle restaurant, right?

Really? I refrained from even asking what on earth she meant by “alternative lifestyle,” because I was pretty sure the answer would be absolutely ridiculous.

Again, I know this is not the case with most of the spouses. It’s just another one of my random encounters. I’m proud of my friends for being who they are and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They’re the best friends a girl could ask for.

Another Missed Christmas?

I decided to skip last week’s entry, I just had too much on my mind. I guess it’s good, because it means I had so much to write about I wasn’t sure where to start. This week is a culmination of more recent events. I try to remember when I write these that I am not here to complain, but to share stories of the crazy things that happen to us… But this entry may include a little complaining.

We still don’t know where the next assignment will be, but projected move date is some time in January, so they’ve still go time to determine things.

The next projected deployment date for my husband’s squadron was also January. We had planned on him not having to go since it was our estimated move date… Well, on April 7^th, we found out the deployment had been moved up to October. This was really disheartening to hear. There’s a good chance that he’ll have to go for at least part of this deployment, if not all of it.

I was pretty upset not just because they’ll squeeze 1 more deployment out of him, but for several other reasons. This means another missed Christmas. My husband was sent on a trip 3 days before Christmas last year and was deployed for Christmas in 2008. In fact, the only time he’s been home for Christmas is during training classes of sorts like pilot training. It sucks. As much as I hate that term, there’s no other way to describe it. We have a joke that AMC doesn’t stand for Airlift Mobility Command, it stands for Another Missed Christmas. There is a good chance he could get back early and I’m staying hopeful for that.

To add insult to injury, I found all this out right as the government was on the verge of a possible shut down. (Please note, I really don’t want to start a political debate or anything, just sharing the events of those 2 days.) If the government had actually shut down, it would have meant my husband was working for free.

I got an email around 4pm that Friday saying that my husband would most likely not be paid beyond that day, but was expected to report to work on Monday morning. On top of the deployment news, that just felt like a slap in the face. I got multiple emails from the spouses organization stating that they were prepared to help those in need if it did happen. As much as I complain about them, I think it’s nice they were standing by to help.

We have money saved in case of something like this, but many military families are not so lucky. I know quite a few who have to live pay check to paycheck and I was concerned for them. It was so frustrating to me that people who give so much were about to get absolutely nothing in return. Thankfully that didn’t happen, but it wasn’t a good feeling, even when you’re prepared.

The funny thing is, I kept thinking, “well, at least I can blog about it!” Many thanks to those who have been reading this. It's my hope that this year won't include Another Missed Christmas:)

Mrs. Independent?

This past weekend was my sister’s bridal shower. She’s getting married next month about a week before my 6^th wedding anniversary. Surrounded by all that wedding talk, I couldn’t help but think back to my own wedding…

My husband and I were good friends in high school and started dating in college. We dated 5 years before tying the knot, so he’s been putting up with me for almost 11 years total now… The man should probably be sainted. When I got married, I couldn’t have been happier but right after, I found myself clinging to my independence for dear life. Don’t get me wrong, I was so incredibly excited to marry my husband, but there were little things I never thought would be an issue. They weren’t an issue for my husband and me, just everyone else… Friends and family will always weigh in, but especially the military and the other wives.

Here are a few things that seemed to bother everyone else…

I always liked my maiden name. It was somewhat common, but not one that everyone had, and I got a fun nickname out of it. This was a bonus when your first name is Lindsey and there was at least 1 other person with that name in nearly every class of mine growing up. I hated changing my name. It’s not that my husband’s name was bad or anything, I liked it and I didn’t even have to change my monogram, but it was a little sad to let go of that piece of myself. Apparently it’s rather difficult to get things done in the military when your last name is different from your spouse.

I didn’t want to have children right away. This is one that really surprises the other wives. I want kids someday, but I didn’t want to have them right away. I was a few days away from being 23 when we got married and I was the 1^st of my friends to get married. I was just happy to enjoy time with my husband, our family, and friends. If you know me, you know my husband is gone a lot, I think that would have been really hard.

I also refused to give up my job. I’m not some big executive, I don’t do it for the money, I just like working for this company. I continued working seasonally even after we moved several hours away so I could stay with my company. People thought I was crazy, but it’s not like anyone would hire me while my husband was in pilot training and all assignments were temporary. My persistence with my job paid off and now I’m able to work from home. It’s nice to have money that is mine, but that’s not why I do this, I honestly just like working.

I also traveled on my own and stayed close with friends back home. This did not sit well with the other military wives. The idea that I was going on a girl’s weekend to the beach was outrageous. I didn’t realize getting married meant I was only allowed to travel with my husband from now on.

The big thing that was scandalous to the other wives: guy friends. I have always had a lot of guy friends. I’m not sure why, it just worked out that way. No one seemed to understand that my husband thinks it’s cool that I can hang with the guys. My gay friends were an even more controversial topic, but that’s an entry for another day.

I mentioned that I was hanging on to as much of my independent self as possible, but honestly, being a pilot’s wife forces you to be independent. I have learned to troubleshoot computer issues, car challenges, and even deal with the toilet overflowing. There are certain things I will always prefer that he handle, but it doesn’t mean I can’t. If there’s one thing being a military wife has given me (other than affordable healthcare and housing), it’s serious problem solving skills. Things happen and I deal with them. I may complain to anyone who will listen, but I know I can do it all. You can be a Mrs. and be independent.