Must love dogs

I love animals. Not in like a super activist or tree hugger way, but I don’t like to see animals mistreated. It’s my opinion that if you adopt a pet, you’re supposed to take care of it. It’s not disposable like trash and not something you can return like shoes. I usually don’t trust people who don’t like animals and I can’t stand people who are cruel to them. I really can’t handle the SPCA commercials that come on. I want to cry and empty my bank account when I see them (which I suppose, is the point).

I have a cat and a little dog. I don’t have kids, and they are my babies.  My pets get me through the lonelier parts of being a military wife. They just seem to know when something isn’t right and I am so grateful for that. I try to make sure they get the best care possible. I realize people can’t always afford to do that, but since I adopted them, I feel it’s my responsibility, and since they take care of me too, it’s the least I can do. I like my pets better than I like most people and that’s saying something.

The following story is one of many reasons why I stopped hanging out with the wives at our current base. The names have been changed, not because they may read this, but because I didn’t think it was fair to call them out.

Cara was one of the few wives I had some things in common with here at this base. She was nice enough, but I always got the impression she was sort of looking down on me. Maybe it’s me, but she just had that sort of tone. She was very much the “this is what you signed up for” wife and she definitely wasn’t a fan of my “I don’t remember signing anything” attitude. She emailed me one afternoon to ask if I’d like to come over for some Thursday night television I hadn’t been out in a while and our husbands were deployed, so I agreed. Cara also invited Allie over, a wife I’d never met.

Allie is about my age and had a petite frame even though she was several months into her pregnancy. She had a sweet face, but that was about it. She didn’t introduce herself when she came in, she just ignored me and started talking to Cara.  She definitely talked down to me every time I saw her, but especially this 1^st meeting. She apologized to Cara for being late and explained why:

Allie: “Sorry I’m late, I was at the stupid vet’s office with my friend watching her waste money. She has this old dog and he was sick so she took him to the vet and wasted all kinds of money on him. Where I’m from when a dog gets sick, you put him down. You take him out back and shoot him. None of this wasting money business people do here.”

Me: (trying to be nice, but thinking WTF?!?) “Well, maybe her dog is important to her, mine rides in the car with me when I travel.”

Allie: “See, that’s dumb. Animals were meant to live outside, not with us or in the car. People are so stupid about animals these days. Where I’m from, they live outside.”

Me: “I guess it’s different where I’m from. My pets are family.” (There were SO many things I wanted to say instead. I didn’t feel the need mention that 2 months prior I spent a small fortune at the vet getting my pets’ teeth cleaned because dental problems can make animals seriously ill.)

She went on for a little while and seemed really displeased that I even spoke. I thought it was pretty gutsy to tell me something I did was dumb on the 1^st meeting, but whatever. I also found it sad that Cara, who has 2 old cats, didn’t say a word. I should also mention that Allie wasn’t the first wife I’d heard talk about pets like they weren’t living things, but she was by far the worst. Although, I am sure this is not the way most wives are, it just sort of struck me.

I should make mention that I am not one of those pet owners who carries my dog in a purse or something. He does ride with me in the car when I travel home to Florida for things, but what dog doesn’t love the car? I’m also not saying that an animal should suffer if they are ill, but Allie just sounded cold when she talked about this.

I’m, not saying that you must love dogs for me to like you, but I don’t put up with people who are cruel to animals.

On my own

If you know me, you know I spend a lot of time on my own. In the military, there is really no such thing as 9 to 5, but when your husband is a pilot (or on a flight crew) there is nothing close to a schedule. Even when he is not officially deployed, he could still be gone. Thankfully, most deployments for his area are short, usually just over 4 months and in relatively safe places… However, that doesn’t mean they can’t send him away during other times.

Aside from deployments, my husband also gets sent on trips. These are usually about 10 days long (but sometimes longer) and they seem to be more frequent these days. When we first started at this base, it was roughly once a month or every other month… Now it’s usually twice a month for these trips. There are plenty of times where he will get back from a trip, have the mandatory crew rest (2 or 3 days off) and be scheduled on another right away.

It’s also not something you get a lot of notice about. Sometimes he’ll get a call that he has to leave in less than 48 hours. In his job, he can’t really make plans for anything without taking leave. We no longer make reservations or buy tickets for anything in advance because of this. I actually went by myself last week to the theatre because he was sent away for 3 weeks and I really wanted to see that show.

He misses out on a lot too. This past Christmas, he was sent on a 10 day trip 3 days before Christmas… Seriously? It couldn’t have waited? It’s not like he was delivering life saving supplies. They sat in a hotel room waiting for instructions. He had Christmas eve dinner at Taco Bell. What really made me mad, was they sent him on another trip right after he got back and one of the guys (who had Christmas off) tried to and almost got out of that trip.

I’ve gone stag to more weddings than I can count. I thought being married meant I wouldn’t have to do that anymore. It also sucks when you’re sick at 3 am and have to go find an all night drug store by yourself. The worst moment was probably when I was alone this past December and found out my grandmother had passed. He had to sit alert that week (meaning he had to be on or near the base at all times) and I had to go to the funeral alone. They wouldn’t even let him leave for a death in the family.

Taking leave doesn’t always count, either. They can cancel it at any time and they do. The only thing that does seem to count is children. At this base, if your wife is due soon, or just had a baby they won’t send you on a trip. There is definitely some leniency when it comes to children, which I get.

Sometimes, it’s not so bad being on my own, though. It’s nice having time to myself once in a while. I do find it super annoying now when women complain about their husbands being gone for 4 days… I want to tell them that 4 days is a piece of cake, try 4 months.

What keeps me going is it could always be worse. It could be a year, in a dangerous combat zone. We are definitely lucky in a lot of ways.

As always, I am sure this is different at every base, this is just my experience.

Book Club and Bible Study

There seem to be 2 activities that every military spouse organization I’ve seen participates in: Book club and bible study. I saw it at the different bases in pilot training and it’s something I know our current base loves. There are other things like play groups, craft clubs, sewing circles, and someone once even tried to start a soccer group here, but these 2 seem to be the most popular.

I was excited about the book club. I love books. I learned to love the classics early on and To Kill a Mockingbird is probably my all-time favorite book. As I got older, I started to like chick lit. Yes, it’s fluffy and predicable but it’s entertaining. Of course, I’m also a fan of popular series too, you know, the standards like Harry Potter, etc. My husband bought me a Kindle for Christmas, because I was taking so many books on vacation with me it was getting to be absurd. (Yes, I miss the pages and the smell of books with the Kindle, but I don’t go over the luggage requirements with it.) I was excited about book club, until I got the reading lists…

I don’t like depressing books. I am not a Nicholas Sparks fan. Sorry, I know he’s a great writer but someone always dies and I cry easy enough as it is. Don’t get me wrong, I know everyone loves The Notebook, and it’s a beautiful story, but I found myself sobbing about these fictional characters a little too much. (Have I mentioned I cry easy?) I also feel it was a very poor choice to have Dear John be a reading selection during deployment. Other depressing favorites of this base book club include Marley and Me, My Sister’s Keeper, The Time Traveler’s Wife, and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (actually, that’s a really good one, but still quite sad).

They used to like to pick books that were being made into movies and then go see the film after the discussion. They needed suggestions and not much was coming out, so I jokingly suggested Twilight… No one found it the least bit funny and they stared at me like I had another head. Yes, I like it (don’t hate), but I wasn’t serious about it for book club. I’ve also suggested classics, like Jane Austen (this time I was being serious) again, I was met with blank stares. I no longer participate in book club.

The other big one will probably be a little controversial: bible study. This is one I was not so enthusiastic about. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the bible, it’s because I am Catholic and we’re not known for bible study…

The few times I’ve tried to go to bible study in the past, people have tried to “save” me and that’s not fun for me. Apparently Catholicism is not a popular religion with some people. I get why people may not be fans, but that’s no need to tell me I’m going to hell. How do you know? Did God tell you or something? I don’t know how bible study with a bunch of ladies who are gossiping is going to help my faith.  

I’m really not one to debate religion with people, either. It makes me super uncomfortable when people invite me to their church and it happens a lot here. Maybe that’s why I’ve never clicked with the other wives? They all seem to go to the same church.

As for me, I’ll skip the clubs. I’ll quietly worship in my own way, not bothering anyone… and I’ll read some book that makes me happy, while I’m at it.

As always, my disclaimer is that this does not reflect all military spouse organizations, it’s just my personal experience.

On moving

No, it’s not time for us to move yet, it’s just what this entry is about. I’m sure by now you’ve figured out there are a lot of things I don’t like about being a military wife. The thing that bugs me the most is moving. Hate is not a strong enough word for how I feel about moving. I loathe it. I detest it with the fire of a thousand suns. It makes me crazy.

People say I should embrace it, enjoy the adventure. I don’t want to, sorry. Before I got married I had moved once in my whole life and I was too young to remember it. I’ve lived in the same house for as long as I can remember. I miss my family and friends. I miss out on important events in the lives of people I love. I travel home often, but I can’t always be there and that’s hard.

We have officially been stationed at this base for 3 years, at 4 they will automatically move us again. This is the longest we’ve lived somewhere since my husband commissioned. I don’t want to move. The thought of it makes me want to cry. I love our little house and our sweet neighbors.

 In the first 2 years we were married the military moved us 4 times. It was for pilot training, but it was still pretty rough. It also seemed everyone (with the exception of a few) had an opinion on our lives and our marriage. It got to the point where I hated explaining my life to other people because our lives were totally up in the air until the end of pilot training when he got a “real” assignment. We were fortunate, though, my husband is smart and worked hard. He graduated 2^nd in his class and we got exactly what we wanted.

Even when you’re not supposed to be moving there is the threat of a move. Sometimes less desirable assignments for pilots come down and they have to force someone to take them. You are constantly at the mercy of someone else.

If you’ve never moved with the military, it’s a bit of a production. First, packers come and pack up all of your things. Then movers come to take them away. Then, your stuff sits in storage (sometimes for months) until you get to your location. Once you do, the movers come and deliver your stuff. The military pays for damages to your things, and something is always damaged. I have some beautiful furniture with ugly battle scars from moving. Some people choose to do the move themselves and the military gives them money… We just don’t have that kind of patience.

The military does take care of you when you move. Heck, they even pay you and your travel expenses. In many families, the active duty member will arrive at the new base first and the family will follow. If you arrive separately, you both get some sort of stipend. I’m not a financial expert by any stretch but I think it adds up. I don’t know how much money the military spends on moves each year, but it seems like a lot. I can’t imagine what it must cost to move a family of 4.

I know they move us to keep new ideas flowing and leadership fresh… but why not just move people around at the same base? I can’t speak for other bases, but I know at this one the different areas have very little, if any, contact with each other. I know some people want to move, but I know a lot of people don’t. I understand it’s part of this life, but why can’t we have the choice to move every 5 or 6 years instead of 3 or 4?

Plus, as a spouse, it’s hard to find a job. No one wants to hire you for a short time. I’m thankful that my job lets me utilize a home office and telecommute, but many people are not. My husband’s plane is domestic, so we can stay in the U.S. and I can keep my job.

I will also tell you, trying to decorate different spaces with the same stuff loses the fun after the 3^rd move in less than 2 years. I’ve considered writing letters about it, especially with the budget crisis we have, but I’m not even sure where to start or if anyone would see it as an issue.  

I am thankful for family and friends who give me a place to call “home” when this life feels so transient. To me, Florida will always be home. Have I mentioned I hate moving?

On fashion

I will admit right off the bat, I in no way a fashionista. This entry is going to make me sound a little catty, but that’s not how it’s meant. It’s just observations. When it comes down to it, I just like to be comfortable in my Florida casual wear. My sister works for J Crew, so her discount is about as fashionable as I get. That being said, I do think I have good taste for my body type. I know what works and what doesn’t often times just by looking at the clothes on the rack. I tend to dress conservatively, but I’m ok with that. I can’t say the same for some of the other wives I’ve encountered…

Before my husband returned home from this deployment, we all got an email from the “lead spouse” about the timeline. In the email, she said, “with your spouse’s impeding homecoming, take some time for yourselves. Get your hair done, clean your home and spend time looking for just the right outfit for your spouse’s arrival.” First of all, who are we supposed to be, Betty Draper?  I had no idea how these women would interpret this…

I showed up at the base terminal that early afternoon and it was about 40 degrees and windy. That’s actually pretty chilly for me. I put on a favorite pair of jeans, a flattering sweater and my Uggs. (Yes, I know Uggs are hideous, but they are comfy and warm! I don’t do heels well, so these were the best choice I had for boots.) I remembered my plaid scarf and my black pea coat because I knew I’d be chilly in the wind. I was so out of place in my casual wear.

I was surrounded by women in tight black dresses or short skirts with knee-high black go-go boots or stiletto heels on. Is this what the “lead spouse” meant by the perfect outfit? I didn’t get the memo we were all going clubbing later on. The funny part was most had small children with them.

I swear one woman was dressed like Britney Spears in her "Baby one more time" video. My favorite was a woman in a black sequined dress. It was really tight, but she pulled it off. However, she also wore fishnet stockings with a rose pattern that went up the side of them. Her shoes were purple suede platform pumps and she was carrying 2 toddlers. One of the toddlers was chewing on the sequins of the dress. I snapped a picture with my phone (if you know me you’ve seen this picture)… I have no idea how to post it here though. There are also kids in the picture, so I would need to find a way to hide their faces before I post it, because well, that’s not fair.

At my husband’s pilot training graduation dinner, I also made some observations… I personally know what it’s like to have to try everything on (even t-shirts) before I buy it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve loved a dress but didn’t buy it because it was 1 size too small. Could I have squeezed into it? Sure. Would I be doing myself any favors?  No.

This is kind of gross and it bothers me that I even have to mention it, but it’s usually not ok to skip undergarments for a formal event. I won’t elaborate, but some people leave nothing to the imagination.

Also braiding your hair into 2 pigtails and then wrapping them around the back of your head is not an up do unless you’re the girl on the swiss miss box. And giant dragon necklace (the kind you find at a renaissance fair) really doesn’t work for a semi formal event unless it’s in Middle Earth or something.

I should note, this is not the way the majority of the other wives dress… Well, ok at the recent homecoming there were a lot dressed as described above, but not all. Some women have impeccable taste and dress beautifully, unfortunately, the most memorable outfits seem to be the worst. I’m probably boring in my A-Line dress but I am comfortable. I probably dress like an old lady, but I’m ok with that. It’s what works for me.