What Not to Say to a Military Wife

The Friday before Mother’s day is always Military Spouse Appreciation day, so in honor of that, I’ve comprised a list of questions and phrases to avoid with me. I can’t speak for all wives, but I know a lot of these get old for many of us … And yes, these are all things that people say to me or ask. Often.

1. When you find out about a deployment, don’t ask her opinion on the war and don’t tell her yours. It is what it is and you can’t change it. I love it when someone says to me, “We shouldn’t be over there!” We? I don’t like to talk politics with people unless they’re my best friends and even then, it can be iffy. 

2. Avoid phrases like, “I don’t know how you do it!” or “I could never let my husband do that!” I get that people have their hearts in the right place when they say this, but it’s not what we want to hear. We do it because we love someone who signed up to serve and you don’t give up on someone you love. You also don’t have a choice in the matter. Instead, just tell her that’s she’s awesome.

3. Please don’t tell her that she signed up for this. Military wives sign a marriage license, not an enlistment or commissioning contract. We didn’t sign up for anything except to get married. When people say this to me I have to count to 10 in my head to stop myself from smacking them.

4. It’s not helpful to ask if she’s worried about her husband being killed. My husband has a safe job, so I try not to worry when he’s deployed, but comments like this make things harder. Instead, just tell her you’re there for her if she needs anything.

5. Along those same lines, don’t ask if she’s worried about her husband cheating while he’s away. Again, not helpful. Instead, offer her a glass of wine or some chocolate. Much better.

6. Cargo pilots don’t typically kill people, but I’m always asked if my husband has ever has. Aside from the fact that this is an incredibly personal question, no one likes to talk about this.

7. After deployments, people often ask, “So is he done with the military now or will he have to go back?” Pilots have a 10 year commitment after they finish 2 years of pilot training, so no, he’s not done yet. And deployments are always a possibility regardless of where you’re stationed.

8. The question I get asked the most is, “where are you going next?” I'm glad people are interested, but it's exhausting because I don’t know and I won’t for a while. I know some of the possibilities if things remain the same and I know what we’d like, but I honestly have no idea and having to explain all of these factors over and over again can be tiring. (Although, I do appreciate that people are trying to understand and make conversation.)

9. No, I don’t watch “Army Wives”.

10. And for the love of everything… Never, ever compare your husband’s business trip to a deployment. It might not be fun, but I assure you, it is not the same. A week or 2 here or there is so very different from several months overseas.

Again, I’m sure not all of these bother all military spouses, but quite a few of them bug us from time to time. So to all of those military spouses out there, thanks for all you do and I hope you get to have a little fun this weekend. I am celebrating by not cooking tonight. If you know a military spouse, be sure to tell her (or him) that they’re fantastic :)