The hardest part

This entry is not the usual attempt at being funny…

The hardest part about being a military wife is that you sometimes have to face difficult situations alone. I don’t mind dealing with car repairs or appliances that attack me, but there have been times that I just needed him there.

About this time last year, my husband was sitting alert, yet again. This meant that he had to be within 30 minutes of the base at all times and he had to sleep at a dorm on base. It was close to 11pm and I was settling into bed when my phone rang. I noticed on the caller ID that it was my sister, which was odd, because she usually just sends a text. “Linds?” said a shakey voice. “Memom just passed away.” Memom is my grandmother. She was 91 and had lived with my parents since I was a kid. She had been in the hospital that week, but we were told not to worry because she was expected to recover just fine. I know she had lived a long life, but I hadn’t been expecting this call.

My sister thought ahead and called my husband before she called me. She knew I was alone that night and thought I should have someone there. My husband probably wasn’t supposed to leave the base, but I was so grateful he did. It’s never easy to deal with news like that, but it’s especially hard when you’re alone. He let me cry myself out for the night and stayed as long as he could. After that, my overprotective little dog never left me. It’s funny how your pets just know when something isn’t right.

The funeral was in Pennsylvania, where my family is from originally and where my grandmother had already made some arrangements long before we moved to Florida. I started making plans to go to the funeral. Alone.

Since my husband was sitting alert, no one could take over for him without all kinds of drama. Apparently, the death of your wife’s grandmother is not important enough for the military to replace someone on alert or give out emergency leave. That was rough.

I am used to answering the same questions with a smile about my life and where my husband is over and over. I am a pro at going stag to weddings and I’ve even been to a few funerals alone with no problem, but this just felt wrong. It seemed heartless, somehow.

At the funeral, it came time to say goodbye, and in that moment, I would have given anything to have him there. It was one of those times where your arms feel out of place on your own body, because it’s a moment like that when they’re meant to be holding someone.

I usually find humor in awkward situations, because, let’s face it… I am really good at putting myself in them, but this was a challenge for me. I generally get over the things and it becomes a funny story, but this is one instance I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that. I realize they can’t give everyone every funeral off (especially when half the squadron is on maternity leave), but this was important.

For me, the hardest part about being a military wife is not moving, or dealing with random situations, It's facing bad news on my own. As upset as I was, I am also very fortunate, I have amazing family and friends to support me and that makes all the difference.

The Thankful Blog

I’m a few days late posting this one, but I figured it was time to update. I realize I complain. A lot. I figured it was time to post a few of the things I’m thankful for as a military wife. Here’s my list:

-          I’m thankful for affordable healthcare. There is free healthcare for military dependents, but I chose the option that costs a little extra because I’m picky about the doctors I see and I travel a lot. This also includes inexpensive prescriptions.

-          I’m thankful for housing. We have never lived on base, but we’ve always had nice places thanks to the housing allowances. In 2008 we bought our first home with the help of a VA loan.

-          Per Diem- Yes, my husband is gone a lot, but the extra adds up. One pilot on base drives an Aston Martin with a license plate that says “per diem.”

-          Tax free- Again, it’s no fun that my husband is gone a lot, but if pilots spend 1 day in a designated combat zone, they don’t pay taxes for that entire month. It adds up. I’m also grateful for the amazing vacations that we’ve been able to take thanks to the money we’ve saved.

-          Safe deployments – My husband doesn’t spend much, if any, time in those areas that you hear about on the news and I’m very thankful for that. His deployments are also usually less than 6 months, which I also appreciate very much.

-          Good friends- My friends put up with a lot and I’m not sure why they do, but I can’t thank them enough.

-          Anyone who has served or currently serves in the United States military- these people and their families make extraordinary sacrifices for this country and I am so grateful for what these soldiers and their families do.

-          Most importantly, I’m thankful for my husband. I’m blessed to have found someone who loves me for who I’ve always been. He likes that I’m independent, opinionated, and stubborn. He finds it funny when I start on one of my rants and keeps me grounded when I start to go too far. His laugh is contagious. He truly is my better half, and for that, and so many other things, I am so thankful.

Email Jail

I telecommute to work, so I am a big fan of email. In fact, I’m probably a little addicted to it. I love getting email, even the work related kind. (Well, the fact that I love my job helps that.) There are some emails, however, I am not a fan of. When I get those, over and over, I joke that I'm in "email jail."

It’s getting close to deployment time. Thankfully, because we’re moving in April, my husband has to attend a 4 month training class starting in December and he doesn’t have to go. My husband will still be away during this time, but he’ll be in the same country and I can visit him. He’ll also have time off for Christmas, so even though he’ll be away, it’s really nothing like a deployment.

This deployment was actually moved up a few months. They weren’t supposed to have to go until after the New Year, but someone in the military determined that a few months early was no big deal. If my husband had to go it would have been his 3^rd missed Christmas in 4 years. When I first heard this, I was crushed, and even though he no longer has to go, I still feel for those families.

Since it’s pre-deployment time, the onslaught of emails has started. One day, I got 7 emails in less than an hour about the pre-deployment meeting. That doesn’t include the 5 I got later in the week leading up to the meeting. I feel like that’s just excessive. Though my husband has deployed twice from here, I’ve never actually been to this meeting. Mostly because they always announce it last minute (and some of us work), but also because I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to go.

After the first one I missed, I told my husband I felt bad for not going and his reply was: “Don’t feel bad, it would have just ticked you off, Linds. They talk a lot about how to pay your bills and things like that.” I replied with, “Wait… There are grown and married people who don’t know how to pay their bills? What year do they think this is?” To which he answered with a patient smile, “See, it’s a good thing you didn’t go.” He knows me too well.

Now the really cheerful emails are starting. My favorites are the “do you have your affairs in order?” emails. These are the ones reminding you to get power of attorney and have your wills made. (We took care of that before his first deployment, but it’s still depressing to read it over and over.) It’s also a little sad that by the age of 25, I had learned all about these things and even more happy thoughts, like living wills. Thanks, Military.

I may not be the biggest fan of the spouse organization here, but I will be thinking of those wives this month. Deployment, even if only for a few months, is a dreadful thing and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. We got lucky this time, but I realize that may not be the case in the future.

Secret Agent Man

When you’re related to or married to someone in the military, there’s a good chance that you’ll have to provide a character reference for that person at some point because of security clearance. Basically this is to make sure this person doesn’t have ties to some kind of terrorist organization.

The first time I ever did a character reference was before I was married, but not long after we’d gotten engaged. I had no idea what to expect. My husband was still in college and I had just graduated. He’d been informed that he was selected for pilot training, so he needed character references for security clearance. Just as a note, this story is much funnier when I tell it in person, but I’m assuming you have a good imagination.

I was leaving work for the day when I noticed I had a voicemail on my phone. It was from a special agent asking for a time to meet to discuss my then fiancé (now husband). He appeared to have a slight accent and the message involved a lot of dramatic pauses before names like “Hello. This message is for… (pause) Lindsey.” I’d write the whole thing out, but you get the idea. He asked me to call him back to schedule a time to meet and discuss my husband. We set up a time and he said he’d call me with a place near my house that morning.

The morning of our meeting arrived and I received another call from the special agent. It went something like this (the ellipses are all of his dramatic pauses):

“Good morning… Lindsey. This is special agent… (Well, I’m going to leave off his name just to be safe.) Is this morning still a … good time? Well, then I will meet you at… (very dramatic pause here) The Panera Bread! (I’ve seriously never heard anyone say Panera Bread with such enthusiasm and drama!) I am in a suit. You will know me when you see me. I am… hard to miss. See you… Soon.”

When I arrived at Panera, I saw immediately what he meant by being hard to miss. There in the Panera of an upper class neighborhood sat a younger looking version of Saddam Hussein. I am not kidding. This guy was a dead ringer for him. I’m not sure how, but he knew who I was right away (well, I guess because he’s a special agent). He introduced himself and shook my hand, then he showed me his credentials. I looked them over, as if I’d actually know what to look for, and smiled at him. He asked if we could begin and I agreed.

Him: “Please tell me about your relationship.”

Me: “Well, he’s my fiancé but we’ve been friends since we were 15.”

Him: “Then these questions will seem… very absurd to you.”

Me: “Ok, sounds good!”

Basically he asked me about my husband’s character and if he had ties to any controversial organizations. He asked me to describe him and for a brief moment I thought, if I wanted to, I could really have some fun with this! I decided against it though, because we’d both probably end up on the no-fly list or at Guantanamo Bay or something. Not going to lie, though, this thought has crossed my mind when I’m tired of being by myself all the time. I’m kidding… Mostly.

Since that particular Panera franchise is right next to the neighborhood I grew up in, I can rarely go in there without seeing someone I know. This day was no different. I must have seen at least 7 people I knew in that short span of time who all looked at me curiously, probably wondering why I was sitting at a table with a well dressed Saddam doppelganger. It was definitely one of the more weird days of my life. The interview didn’t take long and I was out of there pretty fast.

Last year, his clearance was about to expire, so I received a call from a different special agent who was female and used far fewer dramatic pauses. Since I was home in Florida for vacation, I met her at, you guessed it… The Panera Bread! She didn’t say it with anywhere near the drama and enthusiasm as the first guy, though.

When Appliances Attack- Sprinklers

It seems that whenever your husband is away, anything that can go wrong will. I guess it’s Murphy’s law for a military wife (if you know me personally, you know why that’s particularly funny). It’s no different for me. I find myself in precarious and weird situations wondering if Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out at any moment and tell me I’ve been Punked.

It’s not that I can’t handle it, in fact, these situations make me really good at troubleshooting. If nothing else, they make entertaining stories.

My husband was deployed last summer and it was a hot one. I noticed that it hadn’t rained in a while and parts of our usually very resilient lawn were starting to get a little dried out. Not wanting a nasty letter from our incredibly vigilant homeowner’s association, I decided to water it.

The front lawn was pretty easy since there’s a sprinkler system installed. However, to turn it on, you have to use a large key to twist a knob situated in the ground under a plastic cover. I uncovered the hole and quietly yelped when a bunch of little frogs came hopping out onto my feet. I don’t have a problem with frogs, but when you’re not expecting them to jump out at you from a random hole in the ground it can be startling.

The backyard was a little trickier. For some reason, our homebuilder didn’t feel a sprinkler system would be necessary in our little backyard. I have 2 different sprinkler heads for the hose- the first one is the old school sprinkler head that ticks around in a circle. The second is the kind that shoots water up and simply goes back and forth. (This is the kind that is fun to run through when you're a kid.) I decided the second will be easier to use.

Apparently, I have chosen wrong.

I figured, you plug in the hose, turn on the water, and that’s that. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong. I turn on the water and evidently didn’t adjust the streams right, so now I am watering my whole backyard, our backdoor neighbors backyard, our back porch, and me. I run to shut off the water and adjust the flow, and turn it back on again. Now, it’s far too small, and barely watering a few feet… If this story is sounding familiar, I assure you it doesn’t end with me finding the setting that is “just right.”

When I decide that I am tired of running back and forth to the spigot on the side of the house and I have the brilliant idea to adjust the spray while it’s still on. I wait for the right moment and then run in and adjust, but once again, it’s too much. For some reason, I continue to try this method of running and adjusting. At this point, the entire right side of my body is soaked, but amazingly, my left side stays pretty much dry. I keep this up while swearing under my breath and tripping over my now slippery flip-flops.

Just after I’ve finally given up, my backdoor neighbor comes out to do something. I’m sure she’s noticed her lawn is wet on this dry and sunny late afternoon, but she simply says hello. I turn so that my left (and mostly dry) side is facing her as I try to inconspicuously roll up the hose. We make awkward small talk as I keep the right (soaked) side of myself facing toward my house. I’m sure she’s wondering what on earth I’m doing as start walking sideways and tripping over my own feet. I wish her a pleasant evening and duck inside the house to dry off. I honestly think learning a rain dance may have been more helpful… Clearly I have issues if I'm unable to get sprinklers to work properly.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if I’m on Totally Hidden Video after things like that. Surely there is a compilation of me somewhere that includes me fighting with the printer as it violently spews paper, pleading with an overflowing toilet, or spilling flour all over myself and the kitchen.

What can I say? Putting myself in odd situations is a talent of mine :)

The Numbers

I’ve mentioned this a few times, but I really hate the phrase, “this is what you signed up for.” Mostly because I didn’t sign up for anything, I got married. It also bothers me because if you ask my husband and quite a few others out there, they may have signed up for this, but they didn’t know exactly what they got themselves into.

I’m awful with numbers, but my husband was asked to do the math on exactly how many days he’s spent overseas on this assignment. The numbers were a little shocking. Since starting this assignment in January 2008, he’s officially spent 460 days overseas. If you add in time away domestically for training classes, etc it adds over 90 additional days to that number. Yes, the total number overseas includes 2 deployments, but those were only a little over 120 days for each deployment. The rest of those days were trips where the military sent him to fly overseas, often at the last minute.

This means that in a little over 3 years, he’s spent more than a year overseas. Crazy, huh?

While I know he did sign up for the military, I don’t think he signed up for that.

 I am aware that some military members deploy for a year at a time, but when they are not deployed, they’re home. That’s usually not the case with flight crews, but I do realize that we have it easier than many other soldiers and their families do.

Update: Last week, I was concerned because they pushed back the start date of the class that is necessary for his next assignment. I was upset that he may have to do yet another deployment (and miss his 3^rd Christmas in 4 years) because of the date change. As of right now, his class date has been pushed back less than 2 months, I had panicked because they originally said it could be as many as 4 or 5 months. This means there’s a good chance he will not have to deploy again before we leave his current assignment. (Fingers crossed it stays that way!) The assignment people said his commander called them personally to check on things, which I thought was pretty nice. Special thanks to everyone for thinking of us last week, you have no idea how much we appreciate it.

In case you’re keeping track of the numbers… This class is domestic, but 4 months long. Add that to at least 90 days of other domestic training classes plus 460 days overseas (That’s as of right now, he will probably fly more overseas missions before we move). So the total days gone since January 2008 (both foreign and domestic) will equal out to more than 2 years away by the time we move around April 2012.

 I’ve never been good with math but I don’t think anyone signs up for numbers like those.

Set in Stone

I wasn’t sure if I should post this entry this week. It just feels a bit petty and self-centered after the events of last week. I went back and forth over the past few days and even tried to come up with something else to write, but I couldn’t and decided to post what I already had. Please take a moment this week to remember those soldiers and their family members.  

“With the military nothing is ever set in stone.” This is one of the phrases I hear on a regular basis. I really hate this phrase. It’s second only to “this is what you signed up for.” When your husband is a pilot or on a flight crew, you are always hearing about how nothing is ever certain with the military. This is not only irritating, but it makes it nearly impossible to make any plans.

This phrase became way overused during the last deployment. First it was because they ended up being deployed a few days earlier than expected. That was upsetting because you think you have time and suddenly you don’t. It was made even more challenging by the return.

They were projected to get back right on time and we were told to prepare for it by “cleaning our houses and picking out the perfect outfit to wear.” (Seriously?) Then, a few days before the return, we were told they would be returning late. They were now projected to get home a week later than the expected return date and 3 days after the “latest possible return date”. To say I was annoyed was an understatement. Of course, I had the privilege of hearing that phrase I love so much over and over that week.

I found out why they were late returning home- apparently, someone forgot to secure diplomatic clearance for the charter plane bringing them home. Really? How do you forget something like that? It’s kind of a big deal. If this was the real world someone would have been fired, but alas, it’s not, and as everyone continued to remind me, “nothing is set in stone with the military.”

This week, that phrase is once again rearing its ugly head. My husband was supposed to leave for a 4 month class in October that will be necessary to his next assignment. This was exciting because he’d get to skip his squadron’s next 4 month deployment, which also starts in October. (It’s also part of why we agreed to this assignment.) He recently got a call saying his class date has been pushed back. This means, there’s a possibility he’ll still have to go for half the deployment and then go to the class. Of course, the half of the deployment he might have to go for would mean another missed Christmas.

Needless to say, I am a little frustrated. My husband says that things like this make him feel like Charlie Brown and the military is Lucy pulling the football away at the last minute. We’re trying to stay optimistic and not let it get to us until we know more. As everyone keeps reminding me, though, “nothing is ever set in stone with the military.” Lesson learned.

I should add, I do feel a bit ashamed for getting so annoyed over something so small considering the events of last week. I realize that 31 people received an unwelcome knock on the door and will never get to see a loved one again. My thoughts and prayers go out to those families.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

In honor of the state of New York’s first week gay marriages, I thought it would be a good time for this post. I really try to stay away from discussing politics because people get very passionate about these things, but this is something I have trouble being quiet about.  Please note, I am not trying to start arguments here. It’s just my opinions and observations.

I started singing around the age of 12. I went to a performing arts high school and I was a theatre major in college. In addition, I’ve worked for the same company for 13 years and they provide same sex domestic partnership benefits. I’ve grown up having quite a few friends who are gay. I even had 2 readers at my Catholic wedding who were gay- one of them was my husband’s uncle and the other was one of my best friends. I don’t think there should be a difference in straight rights vs. gay rights, this is about human rights.

In my opinion, it’s time for Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to be gone completely. I realize it’s on the way out, but the military is still telling soldiers not to come out “just in case”. I understand the need to be cautious, but I think it’s time. There are always going to be people who are small minded when it comes to those who are “different,” but I don’t know if that can be helped. If someone is willing to die for their country, why should their sexual orientation matter? My husband and I have talked about this a lot and he agrees with me.

For the closed minded people who think they’re going to be hit on or harassed by having gays in the military… I assure you, the chances of that happening are pretty slim. However, I do applaud the confidence of these people. You must be quite a catch to be so sure that everyone wants you! I’m actually more concerned that those who are openly gay would continue to be discriminated against. The armed forces of other nations (including Israel) allow gays in their military and it doesn’t seem to be an issue.

I think part of the problem is that people get too caught up in the nomenclature. I think if people stopped focusing on phrases like gays in the military and gay marriage and started focusing on the word equality instead, things seem less complicated. I guess not everyone thinks that way, though…

Aside from the fact that everyone deserves equal rights, I also have a selfish reason for wanting DADT gone. I’d personally like to see things get a little more fabulous. Not from a military standpoint, but for the spouses. I would totally start going to the spouse activities if they started including same sex partners! And why couldn’t they? They include girlfriends in the spouse activities. Oh, and it would be really awesome if someone’s partner became the “lead spouse”! I might actually want to comply with things :)

To quote one of my favorite actors, Neil Patrick Harris, on the first day of gay marriage in New York: “800 and some gay couples got married in New York yesterday. And the world didn’t end.” I don’t think the world will end if we allow people who are gay to serve their country either.

Ok, I’ll step down from my soapbox now :)

I exist!

If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m not what you would call an involved military wife. Sure, I send my husband care packages and support him even when I disagree with stuff, but I don’t really get involved. All my life, I’ve been someone who gets involved, but I’ve just never really had the desire to get involved in the spouse organization.

My lack of involvement has turned into something of legends, I think, because people always seem surprised when they meet me. Maybe it’s rare that wives don’t get involved or something? We’ve just never been the types to spend Friday nights at the officer’s club hobnobbing with other pilots and their wives.

The “legend” started when my husband was in pilot training in Oklahoma. Pilot training hours are long and tedious and we both hated that place. He was always in class, so there wasn’t much for me to do. At his pilot training graduation, he would introduce me to his classmates and they would sort of raise their eyebrows and say something like, “Oh, pleased to finally meet you.”

We sat down for the graduation rewards dinner and I was seated next to a female member of my husband's training class. She was built petite, but very athletic looking with cropped hair and no make-up. I introduced myself to her and she replied in a voice that reminded me of a young P.E. teacher, “Wow. Nice to see you actually exist. I mean, no offense, but it’s not like you’re ever around.”

First off, I hate it when people say “no offense”, because it means they’re about to say something offensive and it seems they think that phrase should excuse whatever rude thing comes out of their mouth. Second, what a thing to say to someone you just met! Seriously? I smiled and replied with, “well, I like to keep people guessing.” She rolled her eyes and went back to talking with her weird family.

And they were weird. They brought their own to go boxes for the dinner. I’m all for bringing home leftovers, but this dinner was served banquet style like a wedding or convention dinner. Not something you typically bring home a doggy bag from. (Not to mention that convention food really isn’t the greatest.) Also, their understanding of “dressy attire” included denim. I know, these things seem petty, but noticing them made me feel better about myself at the time.

I found out later that this particular pilot came in just behind my husband in the point standings of their pilot training class. Your class standing helps determine the assignment you’ll get out of pilot training… She apparently really wanted the assignment my husband got and obviously she got something else. 

At our current base, I also try to avoid getting involved, mostly because it causes incessant emails and phone calls from the “lead spouse” and the “key spouses.” I’ve never been someone who tries to fly under the radar, but I find myself doing that more lately. This goes against the overachieving theatre kid in me, but I don't mind. I may not be someone who is super involved, but I assure you, I exist.

It's that time of year again...

When you grow up in Florida, there are no snow days from school. There are, however, hurricane days. In 29 years, I’ve lived through more hurricanes than I can remember. There were 3 in 2004, alone. It’s something you get used to.

While hurricanes are definitely something you should take seriously, I notice people who aren’t used to them, tend to really panic over them. The good news is, you can be prepared and if you live near a coastal community, chances are your local weather authorities will know well in advance when a hurricane is coming. This gives you time to prepare or evacuate the area. I’ve found it’s better to be a little prepared in advance, though, because when a warning is issued, the stores are packed with people buying water and batteries.

At our current base, hurricanes are possible (a major storm devastated one beach community about 45 minutes from here years ago), but they don’t happen nearly as often as they do in Florida. So every year, about this time, I start getting the emails saying I need to give the spouse organization my contact information and evacuation plans in the event of a hurricane. Then, with every storm (doesn’t matter if it’s a hurricane, tropical storm or tropical depression) I start to get panicked emails and phone calls from the spouse organization about the “hurricane”. As a side note, there is quite a difference between a tropical depression, tropical storm, and a hurricane; but the spouse organization insists on calling them all hurricanes. This bothers me because I feel the improper nomenclature here causes somewhat unnecessary panic.

I also start getting badgering calls that I need to “report in.” These are usually at an ungodly hour on a weekend whether the “hurricane” has hit here or not. Sometimes they are even when a hurricane has hit multiple states away, which I don’t get.

In Florida, while we take these things seriously, we also find ways to have fun. It’s not uncommon for some Floridians to look forward to throwing a hurricane party. Usually this means “hunkering down” with friends at someone’s house who you know doesn’t lose power or water during a major storm. Someone always thinks to bring some kind of adult beverage, as well.  In Key West, the locals don’t even evacuate for a storm because the roads would be too crowded getting out of there. They get the tourists out and prepare for the storm.

Once, the “lead spouse” was panicking about a tropical storm (that she kept calling a hurricane and never actually hit. We didn’t even get rain bands from it.). I made the joke that in Florida we have hurricane parties and all you need is a little rum for a good hurricane. To which she replied that I should take things more seriously. It was at this moment that I chose not to quote “it’s five o’clock somewhere” and ask what Jimmy Buffett would do... Although, I have a feeling I know what he would do. Maybe I should take things more seriously, but I just don’t see any reason to cause unnecessary panic. There’s a difference between prepared and panicked.

Not a Domestic Diva

I will never be Suzy Homemaker. I’ve always known that. I love Martha Stewart, but I don’t have the kind of patience needed for some of those projects.

 Rather than a frilly, pretty apron, mine is black and says, “We all have to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another glass of wine.” I’m a pretty good cook, not necessarily a great cook, but some things I do really well. My sour cream pound cake (a recipe from my grandmother) is legendary among our family and friends during the holidays. I don’t really even like pound cake, but it’s that good. Honestly, though, sometimes it’s just easier to make a package of break and bake cookies or pick up a pie from Publix. (The best grocery store bakery. Ever.) I don’t plan out a week’s worth of meals in advance because sometimes I’ll find I’m just not in the mood for what I’ve planned to make. My house is always clean, but sometimes can get a little messy. I think that’s how most people are, though.

I have noticed that quite a few other military wives love to show off their skills, and some of them have a really good reason to. I’ll never forget the day another military couple we knew asked us over to grill out. I don’t remember what we were having, but it was pretty standard grill fare and a few sides. Since I was a guest, I thanked the couple and complimented them on the meal.

To this, my husband thanked them also and added, “we’ll have to have you all over sometime.” Then the wife of the other couple looked at my husband sympathetically and said to me in a sweet voice, “You know, Lindsey, if you want I can show you my easy cookbooks.”

Seriously? What do you even say to that?

I was so taken aback at that comment I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell her that she had obviously not had the pleasure of trying my pound cake… But instead I added in an equally sweet tone, “Oh, thank you! I actually have quite a few easy cookbooks of my own at home.”

I may not be a domestic diva, but I do have some skills. What can I say? I like to keep people guessing :)

The truth about pilots

My husband really is not a fan of the film, Top Gun.  Don’t get him started on why “Goose wouldn’t have died”. You will lose. Aside from the inaccuracies about flying and the military, he hates the cheesy moments we all love about Top Gun.  He cringes whenever “you’ve lost that loving feeling” comes on the radio.

Last week, I understood how he feels, as I was inspired to write after seeing Green Lantern. I just had a hard time believing that the chick from Gossip Girl is a fighter pilot. I think the purple aliens are a little more believable. I watched an interview with her where she described her part in the film and she said, “We play like the 2 best fighter pilots in the world.” Seriously?

It got me thinking about some common misconceptions about pilots… So here goes:

-If you’ve played flight simulator on Play Station, you can land a plane- Eh, I guess it couldn’t hurt, but being a pilot takes tons of studying and practice. There’s all kinds of math that goes into it, and it just looks confusing. A large amount of people do not graduate from pilot training.

- Being a fighter pilot is glamorous- not really. Sure, it’s a pretty badass job to have, but fighter pilots get serious hemorrhoids. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Apparently to work with the high G forces they deal with there is a “straining maneuver” they have to use and they’re commonly treated for hemorrhoids as a result. Sexy, huh?

- Every pilot gets a cool call sign/ nickname- Nope, just fighter pilots and they’re not usually cool nicknames, like Maverick… Maybe more like Goose. They are generally a reminder of something embarrassing you did in pilot training. My husband doesn’t have a call sign because he’s a cargo pilot, but they did call him Milhouse (from The Simpsons) in pilot training because he wears glasses and always knows the answers. One example is, apparently there is a pilot who lost his ring finger in an accident and has the call sign “Shocker.” (No, I'm not going to explain it.) Other call signs can be pretty R rated and the thought of typing them here makes me blush.

- You get used to all things flying- not so much. You get pretty bad gas from all of the constant air pressure. This goes for everyone who flies, but military pilots spend a lot of time in the air. Also, on some planes, rather than having a bathroom, just have a closet with a tube and a bucket with a plastic liner. Clearly designed by a dude.

- Anyone can be a pilot- Again, not really. First off, the physical to just go to pilot training is intense! (They took 9 vials of blood, the thought of which, just makes me want to cry.) There are all kinds of crazy restrictions. Some are pretty common knowledge like vision requirements, but there are other weird ones like height restrictions. If you’ve ever been diagnosed with any chronic medical conditions, you’ll have to get all kinds of waivers to go to pilot training.

- Being a pilot takes you to exotic places- Only once in a while. Most of the major pilot training bases are in locations I never care to visit and some, I pray we’ll never have to go back to again. (I’m talking to you, Enid, Oklahoma!) Sure, once you’re a pilot you can go a few cool places, but sometimes it means yet another trip to the desert to drop off mattresses. You can count on being away pretty much all the time.

So pretty much, when it comes to pilots, if you’ve seen it in a movie, there’s a less glamorous side, I assure you. There are multiple other things I could comment on, but this entry would be quite long, so perhaps I’ll write more on this in the future. Special thanks to my husband for always making comments during movies with flight scenes that make me laugh… And for checking this entry for me, so I got my facts right :)

Opinions

“Your opinion, what is that? It’s just a different point of view,” – Your Winter by Sister Hazel (one of my favorite bands, also from the Sunshine State)

I meant to write this post a month ago, but due to more current events it got delayed.

May 14^th was our 6th wedding anniversary. It’s kind of hard to believe that it’s gone by so fast… I guess time does fly when you’re having fun! Although I will say, thanks to the military, our first 2 years of marriage were truly a test of how strong we are. They moved us 4 times in those 2 years and that was frustrating to say the least.

The funny thing about it all is, while some people made my life easier, others actually made this harder for us. Looking back, sure it was challenging moving and being apart, but aside from the military (and the 1 truly awful location), it was the comments from others that made life more difficult.

I’ve never been one of those women needs to be near my husband every waking moment and he’s never been one of those men who is helpless without his wife. It’s something people don’t seem to understand about us, but that’s alright.

When my husband was in pilot training, it was a very busy time for him. He was often shut up in a room studying and I felt useless because there was nothing I could really do. I would travel to Florida often and work at my old job from time to time. There were also times when he would be away for training classes and while I was allowed to go with him, it wasn’t encouraged.  Sure I’d visit if it was a training class that was a few months long, but I just didn’t see the point of staying there with nothing to do, especially when I could be doing something constructive.

People just didn’t get this. We both got a lot of comments, but especially me. Others thought there must be trouble in paradise when we were apart… And they were quick to ask me about it too! Sometimes it was funny to me that people who didn’t have to live my life had such an opinion, but mostly, it was just frustrating.

I would get asked questions that made me laugh like, “Who cooks for your husband when you’re not there?” and statements that would make me crazy like, “You know, Lindsey, one day you’ll have to choose between your career and your marriage.”

Once while my husband was away at a training class, I went to a dinner party. One of the guests probably had a little too much to drink and anytime I would mention my husband, she would yell over me, “You’re not really married! You’re faking it!” This got particularly awkward because everyone would stop and stare. Finally, tired of being interrupted, I explained he was in the military and away for a class. It shut her up, but I was so embarrassed. There are some friends who I stopped talking to altogether because they had such strong opinions.

 Interestingly enough, I know at least 5 other couples who were married the same year as us, who are no longer together. Maybe there is something to be said for the “weird” way we do things:)

For the record, I never had to choose. I even have a job with the company I love where I can utilize a home office. We’ve made some compromises, but that’s life. We’re happy and that’s what is important. Our life may not be perfect to other people, but that’s ok, they don’t have to live it… 6 years later, we’re still fine just the way we are.

Decision Made

Last week it felt like I said, “I don’t know, what do you think?” entirely too many times. I’m talking about my husband’s next military assignment. He was given a choice (which doesn’t happen often) and we agonized over it… All week. We laughed, I cried, we rationalized, and we made lists. It was exhausting. He had to have a decision in by last Friday so we discussed things for a few days and finally came to a decision…

We decided that it would be best if he took the pilot training assignment. It’s definitely not as nice a location as we are at now, but at least now we won’t have to wonder about things. I think what made this decision the hardest is that we really just wanted to stay where we are, unfortunately, they don’t let you do that. So we weighed the pros and cons over and over and here’s what we came up with.

The cons to this location are: it’s a small town and there’s not much there. (I will really miss the stellar shopping near my house!) It’s a little further from home for us- Home will always be Florida and while this location is still within a day’s driving distance it is further away. It’s far from the beach-  Now, I know that sounds picky of me, but I grew up in a place where you were no more than 45 minutes from the beach. It’s a weird thing I have. It’s also not the assignment we really wanted. Unfortunately, that  location doesn’t come down often, so our chances there were slim, anyway, but this was something we could both live with.

Here are the pros to this location: He won’t be gone as often! If you know me, you know I spend a lot of time alone. Aside from deployments, my husband frequently has to make lengthy trips. This means he’ll have more of a schedule and when he’s not deployed, he’ll actually be home. (I know, what a concept, right?) It means he won’t have to deploy with his squadron when they leave in October. (So it won’t be the 3^rd Christmas he’s missed in 4 years!)  He’ll have to go away for training, but at least that’s still in the United States. It’s a small town- but close to a few bigger cities, so I may have to drive a bit further to get what I want, but at least it’s not the middle of nowhere. I even have a few friends in the area… Granted, the closest is an hour away, but hey, that’s something! I might even make it to some away games for the Florida Gators:) It’s not Oklahoma! Nothing against Oklahoma, but I really didn’t enjoy the pilot training base there.

We thought about it and how often does the military ask if you want something? Not often. How often do you get to give the finger to the Assignment Gods? Almost never. Usually you roll the dice and take what you land on. It was kind of nice to be in control and make the decision for ourselves. He loves flying, but he is tired of always being gone. It will be nice to have him home more. It’s also just nice to know now. We spent so much time trying to figure it out that now a weight feels like it’s been lifted.  I just hope it was the right decision… If not, I suppose I can live with it for 3 or 4 years.

Decisions, Decisions

So this week’s entry was going to be about something else, but it seems that is a less current event, so it keeps getting pushed back. This one is about conflicted decisions. Please forgive me for being vague, I’m not sure how much information I should post here.

We’ve been pretty lucky over the last 6 years, out of 4 assignments, there is only 1 I could honestly never do again. We’re approaching the 4 year mark at the base my husband is currently stationed at. This means that there’s a good chance they’ll kick us out in January and we’ll be at the mercy of the assignment Gods. I have been dreading this. I love our current location. Not so much the fact that my husband is gone all the time and I’m left to deal with the overzealous wives, but I love the town we live in and our house.

As much as I don’t want to leave, it’s getting closer to decision time. My husband was hoping for a pilot training base for his next assignment and he had a particular one in mind. Last night, he told me it didn’t come down with the open pilot training assignments, so it’s probably not available for the fall cycle. The regular flight assignments for his plane have not come down yet, so we don’t know what’s available there. 

My husband’s commander called to ask if he wanted any of the pilot training assignments that did come down, one in particular. It’s in a small town but not Oklahoma (thank, God!) and it’s driving distance to our hometown, but further away than we are now. If he took this assignment, he would never get the pilot training assignment he really wants (because you usually only do 1 pilot training tour). It’s just not a very desirable location, but it could be worse. If we didn’t take it, he’d most likely be assigned another base with his current plane.

The good news with that is that there are 2 bases that we could live with that will most likely be offered… The bad news is that there are some not so desirable bases in that mix, as well. The bases that we’d want from this selection are not as close to home for us we’d end up dealing with something very new to us: snow.  The other con to these bases is he would be gone just about as much as he is now, whereas a pilot training assignment means he might deploy, but when he’s not, he would actually be home and have a real schedule.

I know I’m way too picky and that my pros and cons here are a blue sky situation where the military is a perfect world. It’s definitely not. I just like lists. So, the question is… Do we take the known, or roll the dice for the unknown?

The other factor in play here is that since he has a January date, he falls into both the fall and winter assignment cycles, so there’s a small chance they could wait for the winter cycle to give him orders (and possibly the base he wants), but we don’t get a say in that *bows to assignment Gods*. In addition, if they had him wait, he would most likely have to deploy with his current squadron again before the move date.

 It’s just frustrating. Sorry if this all sounds like incoherent rambling, sometimes it just helps to write things down. The hardest part for me is that I just don’t want to move. Either way, at this point, it won’t be the place we really wanted to be. 

Thanks

I thought with this being Memorial Day, it would be a good time for this entry. Many thanks to those who serve and the strong families behind them.  

“Don’t you want to bring your Mess Dress for formal night?” I asked as we were packing for our recent cruise. “No, I don’t think there’s room,” he answered, “Besides, I’ll feel weird about it, like I’m trying to get attention or something. I’d rather just wear my new suit.”

For those that don’t know, “mess dress” is the formal version of my husband’s uniform. When he first got it, we laughed quite a bit because it has epaulets and he looks a bit like a missing cast member from Master and Commander with Russell Crowe (made even funnier as it is not a Navy uniform). Plus, on a recent deployment he had a few suits custom made. (Apparently it’s quite affordable to buy custom suits in certain countries.)

I knew the main reason he didn’t want to bring his mess dress was that he was looking forward to having a place to wear his new suits. We were also flying out for this cruise (because it was Alaska) which is something we usually don’t have to do so luggage space was scarce… But he rarely wears his uniform of any kind when he doesn’t have to. Why? I think he just feels awkward from the attention.

I asked him about it once and he said, “I think it’s a great thing for the enlisted guys to do. They deserve the attention and people offering to buy them a beer for their hard work.” He mentioned that as an officer, he just feels weird. He doesn’t mind using the military discounts, he’s just quiet about it. Whenever someone thanks him for his service, he smiles and shakes their hand, and says something quiet like “yeah” or “sure”. He doesn’t talk a lot about his service, that’s just the way he is.  He’s never been the show off… That was always me:)

Although, I will say, I understand it. Sometimes people will thank me too and it is weird. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it… It’s just that I don’t really do anything. Ok, I complain… Kind of a lot… but otherwise, I don’t do much. Plus, sometimes the military will have just done something to really tick me off and I’ll stand there trying to look grateful and attempting to refrain from going into one of my rants like I do on here.

I’ve found over the past few years that military members seem to appreciate the acknowledgement but are very humble. These are people who don’t do this job for the thanks or the money.

This weekend, while you’re at a BBQ with family and friends, just take a moment to remember why that is. Once again, thanks to all who serve or have served.

Top Secret

Most military pilots have high security clearance. While some pilots use it all the time in their jobs, for others, it’s not often that it’s used and they generally don’t have special information. My husband rarely does anything top secret, I think in the case of a lot of pilots, it’s there just in the event it might be needed. In fact, every few years, he has to get clearance again, so they interview me along with other family and friends… I’ve often thought this would be a really great time to have a little fun and say some crazy (not true) things during the interview… But something tells me it could be a bad idea.

It’s only happened once or twice so far, but sometimes he’ll fly a mission he can’t talk about.  If I read the news, I can usually put 2 and 2 together and figure it out, but even then, he can’t really confirm it.

Sometimes pilots have to “sit alert.” This means that they must be within 25 minutes of the base at all times and usually have to sleep in a hotel/dorm on base if they don’t live there. The idea behind this is that should an emergency arise, a crew is ready to take off and leave immediately. Alert crews aren’t launched often, but when they are, it’s usually an order from somewhere high up. Near a base, you can usually spot an alert crew member by the utility belt of communication tools they have on- that includes a large cell phone and pager.

It’s incredibly inconvenient when your husband has to sit alert. At our current base, alert starts on a Friday and lasts until the following Friday. Any plans have to be within a few minutes of the base (not easy when you consider some base locations) and they can’t be during rush hour at all. The positive side to sitting alert is that when it’s over, he has the whole weekend free and can’t be called to work, which I appreciate.

 These are the missions they can’t talk about if they get launched… In fact, the most important flight of my husband’s career is something he can’t talk about. He can’t even list it as an accomplishment for his file. It also can’t be used for promotions, awards, etc. I’m not even sure his commander knows about that flight... Nice, huh?

We were on vacation when we heard about the team that took out Osama Bin Laden, so I know it’s old news now, but I wanted to mention it. It’s also why I bring up security clearance. There’s a very good chance people will never know who was on that team. I can’t always see why the military does certain things, but this is one time I can. There’s just too much risk involved. I’m pretty sure there were multiple pilots involved who are not Navy SEALs (someone has to transport people and supplies). I'm sure they can't talk about the mission at all but, I’m willing to bet the wives of those soldiers were able to figure out if their husbands were involved.

Even if they weren’t supposed to tell their wives… I bet they know anyway:)

A little "me time"

In every marriage there is compromise. It’s truly a balancing act to handle everything. I think it’s even more so when you’re a military wife. You simply can’t do it all sometimes and that’s challenging for me to accept.

With my sister’s wedding coming up, I’m looking at a full calendar for the week. It’s taken some planning, but I think I can do it all. I feel so grateful that even my husband was able to get leave. In my mind, this week is all about my sister and she is my priority, but she’s also not very demanding, so I can find time to do a few things I want to. I was even able to schedule some time with good friends who I rarely see, thanks to their willingness to work around my crazy schedule.

I’m very fortunate that I get to go home often and see my family. This especially helpful when my husband is gone for long amounts of time, but it sometimes still takes some balancing. I hate missing out on things. I once drove more than 7 hours to be with my family when my nephew was born. I try to be there for everything but I’ve missed out on quite a few things too. For lack of a better word, it really sucks missing out on major events.

One of the hardest parts is that I sometimes have to choose me instead. I’m usually happy to go with the flow and do things according to what works best for other people, but sometimes I just can’t. I don’t put myself first all time, and sometimes it’s what I really need. This became especially important during the last deployment. I know what you’re thinking, if you’re alone so much, isn’t that “me time”? No, because I think for proper “me time” one has to be enjoying themselves and I was not.

Usually, I do fine on my own. I’m actually pretty good at trouble shooting most things. It just felt like everything went crazy at one point- I had car trouble, of course, and my blackberry decided to kick the bucket. On top of that, the toilet overflowed in 1 bathroom and the flusher broke on the other toilet (lucky me). In addition, I telecommute for work and my internet and computer decided to get hostile with me. A large picture in my bathroom randomly fell off the wall while I was brushing my teeth and managed to not only hit me, but the wall the whole way down. I got into a rather comical fight with a sprinkler in the back yard and I lost count of the number of times I tripped, fell, broke stuff, etc. It felt like my house and electronics were rebelling against me. The majority of this stuff happened in the span of about 3 weeks and I was starting to wonder if I was being punked or something.

I was in major need of some time for myself. When this happens, I usually find myself going home to Florida, because sometimes “me time” means being with the people who just get you. If I can’t do that, I try to go shopping or get a facial or something that makes me happy. This year, I missed a few events that were important to family and friends, but I needed to. I was in desperate need of doing what I wanted to do, and on my terms. I realize that doesn’t always make people happy, but most seemed to understand and I tried to make it up to people. Could I have handled things differently? Yes, but this was what I needed most at the time.

I spend a lot of time trying to make other people happy and I love that. It feels good to make someone else’s day, but I think it’s important in life to find sometime for yourself, doing what makes you happy. I wish I could be everywhere, but it’s just not possible sometimes. It bothers me, but I’m so incredibly blessed by friends and family who are there for me and understand.

Say what?

Here’s another funny story that happened to me. Please note, this is not political, it’s just another one of the random things I’ve experienced here. This story tends to be a little more humorous when I actually tell it, so I’m hoping it will be ok written, as well. Again, I know most military spouses are not like this, but this is just one of those weird moments.

I grew up singing in choirs and I was a theatre major (another thing military people don’t always get, but that’s another entry entirely). I have also worked for the same company since I was 16 and they provide same sex domestic partnership benefits. These things all add up to me having quite a few gay friends. It’s never something that was weird to me, possibly because I was around it so much, but it never just occurred to me that some people didn’t grow up like I did. The funny part is, I come from a conservative, Irish Catholic family, and it’s never been an issue. In my mind, a good friend is just that, the other stuff doesn’t matter.

I have found a few friends here who are very open minded… but I’ve also seen a few over my years as a military wife, who are not. One of my favorite shows is Rent. It came out when I was in high school and we were all obsessed with it for a while. When it closed on Broadway, they showed the final live performance in local movie theatres. I made the mistake of mentioning this at one of the few spouse outings I went to here. I think someone mentioned that they loved musicals, and this is how the conversation went.

Me: Oh, well if you love musicals, the final performance of Rent is going to be playing at the movie theatre. I was planning to go, if you want.

Her: (with a slightly appalled look) Um, isn’t that the show with (looks around) gay people in it? (And I kid you not, she mouthed the word gay rather than actually saying it.)

Me: (trying to decide if she is serious) well, yeah, some of the characters are, but it’s a really great show.

Her: yeah, but I heard there are (again mouthing the word) gay things that happen in it.

Me: (I just stared at her thinking, oh, for the love! Is this chick for real?)

Her: Sorry, I think I’d rather see Wicked or something.

Needless to say, I found someone else to go with me. I was seriously thinking, though, if there ever was a face palm moment, this is it! Wow. Who knew that was a dirty word? I wanted to tell her that half the performers in any musical are probably gay, but I think that might have blown her mind too much. It was also this same spouse who was asking me for tips for her Florida trip and I realized she had scheduled it for the week of Gay Days in Orlando… That was a fun conversation.

Another time, I was talking with someone else about a restaurant called Hamburger Mary’s. If you’re not familiar with this chain, they serve great burgers in a fun atmosphere. Sometimes there is also a drag show and your bill always comes in a high heel shoe. She asked what I did that weekend and I explained I went out to celebrate a friend’s birthday at there.

Her: Ohhh, I’ve heard of that place, it’s like an alternative lifestyle restaurant, right?

Really? I refrained from even asking what on earth she meant by “alternative lifestyle,” because I was pretty sure the answer would be absolutely ridiculous.

Again, I know this is not the case with most of the spouses. It’s just another one of my random encounters. I’m proud of my friends for being who they are and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They’re the best friends a girl could ask for.

Another Missed Christmas?

I decided to skip last week’s entry, I just had too much on my mind. I guess it’s good, because it means I had so much to write about I wasn’t sure where to start. This week is a culmination of more recent events. I try to remember when I write these that I am not here to complain, but to share stories of the crazy things that happen to us… But this entry may include a little complaining.

We still don’t know where the next assignment will be, but projected move date is some time in January, so they’ve still go time to determine things.

The next projected deployment date for my husband’s squadron was also January. We had planned on him not having to go since it was our estimated move date… Well, on April 7^th, we found out the deployment had been moved up to October. This was really disheartening to hear. There’s a good chance that he’ll have to go for at least part of this deployment, if not all of it.

I was pretty upset not just because they’ll squeeze 1 more deployment out of him, but for several other reasons. This means another missed Christmas. My husband was sent on a trip 3 days before Christmas last year and was deployed for Christmas in 2008. In fact, the only time he’s been home for Christmas is during training classes of sorts like pilot training. It sucks. As much as I hate that term, there’s no other way to describe it. We have a joke that AMC doesn’t stand for Airlift Mobility Command, it stands for Another Missed Christmas. There is a good chance he could get back early and I’m staying hopeful for that.

To add insult to injury, I found all this out right as the government was on the verge of a possible shut down. (Please note, I really don’t want to start a political debate or anything, just sharing the events of those 2 days.) If the government had actually shut down, it would have meant my husband was working for free.

I got an email around 4pm that Friday saying that my husband would most likely not be paid beyond that day, but was expected to report to work on Monday morning. On top of the deployment news, that just felt like a slap in the face. I got multiple emails from the spouses organization stating that they were prepared to help those in need if it did happen. As much as I complain about them, I think it’s nice they were standing by to help.

We have money saved in case of something like this, but many military families are not so lucky. I know quite a few who have to live pay check to paycheck and I was concerned for them. It was so frustrating to me that people who give so much were about to get absolutely nothing in return. Thankfully that didn’t happen, but it wasn’t a good feeling, even when you’re prepared.

The funny thing is, I kept thinking, “well, at least I can blog about it!” Many thanks to those who have been reading this. It's my hope that this year won't include Another Missed Christmas:)

Mrs. Independent?

This past weekend was my sister’s bridal shower. She’s getting married next month about a week before my 6^th wedding anniversary. Surrounded by all that wedding talk, I couldn’t help but think back to my own wedding…

My husband and I were good friends in high school and started dating in college. We dated 5 years before tying the knot, so he’s been putting up with me for almost 11 years total now… The man should probably be sainted. When I got married, I couldn’t have been happier but right after, I found myself clinging to my independence for dear life. Don’t get me wrong, I was so incredibly excited to marry my husband, but there were little things I never thought would be an issue. They weren’t an issue for my husband and me, just everyone else… Friends and family will always weigh in, but especially the military and the other wives.

Here are a few things that seemed to bother everyone else…

I always liked my maiden name. It was somewhat common, but not one that everyone had, and I got a fun nickname out of it. This was a bonus when your first name is Lindsey and there was at least 1 other person with that name in nearly every class of mine growing up. I hated changing my name. It’s not that my husband’s name was bad or anything, I liked it and I didn’t even have to change my monogram, but it was a little sad to let go of that piece of myself. Apparently it’s rather difficult to get things done in the military when your last name is different from your spouse.

I didn’t want to have children right away. This is one that really surprises the other wives. I want kids someday, but I didn’t want to have them right away. I was a few days away from being 23 when we got married and I was the 1^st of my friends to get married. I was just happy to enjoy time with my husband, our family, and friends. If you know me, you know my husband is gone a lot, I think that would have been really hard.

I also refused to give up my job. I’m not some big executive, I don’t do it for the money, I just like working for this company. I continued working seasonally even after we moved several hours away so I could stay with my company. People thought I was crazy, but it’s not like anyone would hire me while my husband was in pilot training and all assignments were temporary. My persistence with my job paid off and now I’m able to work from home. It’s nice to have money that is mine, but that’s not why I do this, I honestly just like working.

I also traveled on my own and stayed close with friends back home. This did not sit well with the other military wives. The idea that I was going on a girl’s weekend to the beach was outrageous. I didn’t realize getting married meant I was only allowed to travel with my husband from now on.

The big thing that was scandalous to the other wives: guy friends. I have always had a lot of guy friends. I’m not sure why, it just worked out that way. No one seemed to understand that my husband thinks it’s cool that I can hang with the guys. My gay friends were an even more controversial topic, but that’s an entry for another day.

I mentioned that I was hanging on to as much of my independent self as possible, but honestly, being a pilot’s wife forces you to be independent. I have learned to troubleshoot computer issues, car challenges, and even deal with the toilet overflowing. There are certain things I will always prefer that he handle, but it doesn’t mean I can’t. If there’s one thing being a military wife has given me (other than affordable healthcare and housing), it’s serious problem solving skills. Things happen and I deal with them. I may complain to anyone who will listen, but I know I can do it all. You can be a Mrs. and be independent.

Must love dogs

I love animals. Not in like a super activist or tree hugger way, but I don’t like to see animals mistreated. It’s my opinion that if you adopt a pet, you’re supposed to take care of it. It’s not disposable like trash and not something you can return like shoes. I usually don’t trust people who don’t like animals and I can’t stand people who are cruel to them. I really can’t handle the SPCA commercials that come on. I want to cry and empty my bank account when I see them (which I suppose, is the point).

I have a cat and a little dog. I don’t have kids, and they are my babies.  My pets get me through the lonelier parts of being a military wife. They just seem to know when something isn’t right and I am so grateful for that. I try to make sure they get the best care possible. I realize people can’t always afford to do that, but since I adopted them, I feel it’s my responsibility, and since they take care of me too, it’s the least I can do. I like my pets better than I like most people and that’s saying something.

The following story is one of many reasons why I stopped hanging out with the wives at our current base. The names have been changed, not because they may read this, but because I didn’t think it was fair to call them out.

Cara was one of the few wives I had some things in common with here at this base. She was nice enough, but I always got the impression she was sort of looking down on me. Maybe it’s me, but she just had that sort of tone. She was very much the “this is what you signed up for” wife and she definitely wasn’t a fan of my “I don’t remember signing anything” attitude. She emailed me one afternoon to ask if I’d like to come over for some Thursday night television I hadn’t been out in a while and our husbands were deployed, so I agreed. Cara also invited Allie over, a wife I’d never met.

Allie is about my age and had a petite frame even though she was several months into her pregnancy. She had a sweet face, but that was about it. She didn’t introduce herself when she came in, she just ignored me and started talking to Cara.  She definitely talked down to me every time I saw her, but especially this 1^st meeting. She apologized to Cara for being late and explained why:

Allie: “Sorry I’m late, I was at the stupid vet’s office with my friend watching her waste money. She has this old dog and he was sick so she took him to the vet and wasted all kinds of money on him. Where I’m from when a dog gets sick, you put him down. You take him out back and shoot him. None of this wasting money business people do here.”

Me: (trying to be nice, but thinking WTF?!?) “Well, maybe her dog is important to her, mine rides in the car with me when I travel.”

Allie: “See, that’s dumb. Animals were meant to live outside, not with us or in the car. People are so stupid about animals these days. Where I’m from, they live outside.”

Me: “I guess it’s different where I’m from. My pets are family.” (There were SO many things I wanted to say instead. I didn’t feel the need mention that 2 months prior I spent a small fortune at the vet getting my pets’ teeth cleaned because dental problems can make animals seriously ill.)

She went on for a little while and seemed really displeased that I even spoke. I thought it was pretty gutsy to tell me something I did was dumb on the 1^st meeting, but whatever. I also found it sad that Cara, who has 2 old cats, didn’t say a word. I should also mention that Allie wasn’t the first wife I’d heard talk about pets like they weren’t living things, but she was by far the worst. Although, I am sure this is not the way most wives are, it just sort of struck me.

I should make mention that I am not one of those pet owners who carries my dog in a purse or something. He does ride with me in the car when I travel home to Florida for things, but what dog doesn’t love the car? I’m also not saying that an animal should suffer if they are ill, but Allie just sounded cold when she talked about this.

I’m, not saying that you must love dogs for me to like you, but I don’t put up with people who are cruel to animals.

On my own

If you know me, you know I spend a lot of time on my own. In the military, there is really no such thing as 9 to 5, but when your husband is a pilot (or on a flight crew) there is nothing close to a schedule. Even when he is not officially deployed, he could still be gone. Thankfully, most deployments for his area are short, usually just over 4 months and in relatively safe places… However, that doesn’t mean they can’t send him away during other times.

Aside from deployments, my husband also gets sent on trips. These are usually about 10 days long (but sometimes longer) and they seem to be more frequent these days. When we first started at this base, it was roughly once a month or every other month… Now it’s usually twice a month for these trips. There are plenty of times where he will get back from a trip, have the mandatory crew rest (2 or 3 days off) and be scheduled on another right away.

It’s also not something you get a lot of notice about. Sometimes he’ll get a call that he has to leave in less than 48 hours. In his job, he can’t really make plans for anything without taking leave. We no longer make reservations or buy tickets for anything in advance because of this. I actually went by myself last week to the theatre because he was sent away for 3 weeks and I really wanted to see that show.

He misses out on a lot too. This past Christmas, he was sent on a 10 day trip 3 days before Christmas… Seriously? It couldn’t have waited? It’s not like he was delivering life saving supplies. They sat in a hotel room waiting for instructions. He had Christmas eve dinner at Taco Bell. What really made me mad, was they sent him on another trip right after he got back and one of the guys (who had Christmas off) tried to and almost got out of that trip.

I’ve gone stag to more weddings than I can count. I thought being married meant I wouldn’t have to do that anymore. It also sucks when you’re sick at 3 am and have to go find an all night drug store by yourself. The worst moment was probably when I was alone this past December and found out my grandmother had passed. He had to sit alert that week (meaning he had to be on or near the base at all times) and I had to go to the funeral alone. They wouldn’t even let him leave for a death in the family.

Taking leave doesn’t always count, either. They can cancel it at any time and they do. The only thing that does seem to count is children. At this base, if your wife is due soon, or just had a baby they won’t send you on a trip. There is definitely some leniency when it comes to children, which I get.

Sometimes, it’s not so bad being on my own, though. It’s nice having time to myself once in a while. I do find it super annoying now when women complain about their husbands being gone for 4 days… I want to tell them that 4 days is a piece of cake, try 4 months.

What keeps me going is it could always be worse. It could be a year, in a dangerous combat zone. We are definitely lucky in a lot of ways.

As always, I am sure this is different at every base, this is just my experience.