Homecoming

If deployment is one of the most horrible things to go through as a military spouse, the homecoming is one of the happiest. It’s also one of the strangest. Please note that as usual, I have no idea if this is normal or not, it’s just my experience.

After living alone for an extended period of time, you suddenly have this person back in your life. It’s both wonderful and weird. You get into a routine when you’re alone all the time. You sleep in the middle of the bed, you’re the pets’ favorite (ok, I was always the dog’s favorite, but the cat was questionable), and I leave a light on at night because I'm a little afraid of the dark. You get used to doing things a certain way. Once, after a deployment my husband and I were working in the yard. We were finishing up and I went inside for a shower. After my shower, I realized I’d locked him out. I felt awful because it was hot, but I was used to being alone all the time and locking the door behind me when I came inside. This person you missed for so long is suddenly everywhere. It’s great to have him home but it does take an adjustment.

In the 2 homecomings I have experienced, things are unpredictable. You get this email from the “lead spouse” telling you need to be there more than an hour early for snacks and socializing. Then you get a phone call from the “key spouse” telling you that they’re early and the snacks are cancelled (thank goodness, because I was going to fake car trouble or something to not have to sit there). You arrive and they are late anyway.

After the plane lands, you hug while trying to avoid the press. The press doesn’t seem to target us this time since they’re more interested in the family reunions with small children. Then, your husband is lead away for in processing. During this time, they do paperwork and get blood drawn. Yes, blood. Why? Oh, to make sure they didn’t catch any diseases while they were gone…Nice.

In processing can take a while, sometimes more than an hour. I sit in the passenger terminal and text family and friends that he’s home. I update my Facebook, which you’re apparently not supposed to do, but I figured if the base can invite the press, I can inform my friends who I know personally that my husband is home safe. I observe the fashion emergencies in front of me (that will need to be a separate entry, so stay tuned!) and I share them with my friends.

I also tolerate other people’s children during this time. I love kids, don’t get me wrong, but please watch them. I sit reading while a child screams in my ear because his mother is ignoring them and too busy socializing with the other wives. I look at the mother who gives me a nasty glare, as if it’s my fault her kid is being obnoxious. I get bonked on the head repeatedly with a mylar balloon that looks like an American flag (I am not kidding). I get soda spilled on me by a 3 year old whose mother is not watching him. This is not ok.

He has the next 2 weeks off, so we spend that time going on a vacation and seeing family and friends. I gain weight because we are eating at all his favorite spots, but I am just happy he’s home… even if my jeans are a little tight:)

Deployment is such a weird thing. I’ll have to see if I can find my booklet from the family readiness office. It has some odd suggestions for this time. While deployment sucks, and the process for homecoming is weird, it’s ultimately nice to have him home.

The first deployment

I think quite possibly one of the worst things you can experience when you’re married to the military is deployment. It just sucks. Nothing about it is fun. The worst part, for me anyway, is the leaving. Unfortunately this entry isn't as funny as some of my other stories, but here’s the story of my husband’s first deployment…

My husband didn’t have to be on base until late in the afternoon, so we spent the day watching funny movies to keep our spirits up. In hindsight, it might have been easier to just get it over with in the morning, but I was thankful for the time together. We drove my little red beetle to the base, which is definitely a chick car. Once, while driving it through security on base, the security forces airman at the gate actually laughed at my husband as he saluted him. As my husband pulled up to the gate this time, I made sure to turn on “omigod you guys” from Legally Blonde the Musical. I know it’s bad, but the song makes me happy and frankly, I needed a laugh.

We showed up at the base passenger terminal where we sat. It was pretty much the saddest room I’d ever been in. It was packed with people- older wives who were trying to look brave, young children with tiny flight suits on, and even young wives who were carrying newborns.

There were photographers from the paper and cameras from the news. Some people were actually volunteering to be interviewed and photographed. We shook our heads any time a camera came near and even hid our faces with a folder my husband had. We spent our last few minutes together hiding from these people. It was like the photographers were just waiting for a weak moment.

Well, that moment came. It was announced that it was time for them to leave. We hugged each other and, of course, the tears came. If you know me well, you know I cry really easy. The fact that I hadn’t burst into tears until now was a huge accomplishment. I watched my husband walk out of sight and he wasn’t gone more than 5 seconds when one of the photographers approached me. He said, “I took a very emotional photo of you and your husband just now! What are your names for the paper?” I wanted to tell him where he could go and what he could do with himself. Instead, all I could bring myself to say was, “No. That was a private moment.” He looked as if I’d ruined his day as I walked away.

I have no idea how the picture could have been that great. I am a seriously ugly crier. I mean, we’re talking red faced, sobbing and snorting with bloodshot eyes. I can’t help it. To add insult to injury, the night before, a bug had flown into my eye as we were leaving a restaurant. (I seriously couldn’t make this stuff up.) It must have been a big one because it really hurt and my eye was red for a few days after. So, before I was even crying I had this wonky, bloodshot eye. I looked like I had pink eye or something. It was not cute.

For some reason we had to wait there in that sad room for a few more minutes. I found a corner out of sight, near the door hoping no one would notice me. The then-commander’s wife, approached me with a fake smile and said, “There’s no reason to cry, we’re all going out for ice cream and you should come too!” I wanted so badly to tell her that I was crying because the photographer was an insensitive jerk and that I needed something a hell of a lot stronger than ice cream, but instead, I mumbled something along the lines of, “No thank you. I have a bottle of wine and Edward Cullen waiting for me at home.” (Don’t judge me! Twilight makes me feel better!)

As for the photographers, that picture did end up in the paper, but our names weren’t on it. We also ended up on the news. It was awful. What made it worse is that we were on base, so the news cameras were invited with no warning to us. I checked into it and apparently there was nothing I could do. It was incredibly frustrating. What’s worse, is that they seemed to really focus on families with children. I don’t have kids, but I wouldn’t want them to be photographed if I did. After that, I kept a piece of paper in my purse for these occasions that read, “I do NOT give consent to be photographed, video taped or have my image otherwise reproduced.” I know it won’t stop anyone, but hopefully it will keep them away.

I think about that now whenever I see a deployment or homecoming on the news. I know the world loves to see moments like that, but I can’t help but wonder if those people on the news went through what I did.

Reporting in

I mentioned the calls and emails from the wives in a previous post and I figured it warranted its own entry. As I’ve also mentioned, I have no idea is this is normal since it’s the first real assignment we had after pilot training.

These situations took place the first year we were here. We arrived here in late January and my husband’s squadron had to deploy in early August. Since I had no idea what I was doing, I thought if I didn’t comply I would get my husband in trouble.

The spouses organization said they needed all of my information while my husband was away. They explained that this was in case of an emergency and they needed to notify me about something… I had no idea at the time that our ideas of an emergency were very different. They also told me they needed to know anytime I was out of town in case something happened to my husband during deployment. I now know that it’s not the spouse organization that notifies you if something happens on deployment, it’s the base. It’s not based on the information you give the spouse organization, but what is on your husband’s emergency contact card in his file.

During 2008 a tropical storm was approaching the coast. I’m from Florida and I’ve lived through more hurricanes than I can remember. I started getting panicked emails from the “lead spouse” and my “key spouse” that I needed to share my evacuation route with them and the phone number and address of where I would be. They kept referring to the TS as a hurricane, which bothered me because there is definitely a difference. Plus, I think the unnecessary use of the word hurricane was causing panic. I jokingly said in my reply that in Florida we actually have hurricane parties (because we do) and that all you need is a little rum for a good hurricane. I got a response back from the “lead spouse” saying I should take things more seriously.

The TS didn’t actually hit the coast, in fact, we didn’t even get rain from it. It was a Friday night and I’d had a long day at work. I was fighting a sore throat and looking forward to a bottle of wine and a chick flick that night. I got an email around 5 saying I’d need to “report in” either by phone or email on Saturday morning before 8am. Seriously? The storm didn’t even hit and we don’t live on base. I emailed my “key spouse” and told her I wasn’t feeling well. I asked if I could opt out and she said if I didn’t report in, she’d call the police. I had drafted several nasty responses, but I thought better of sending them.

A few weeks later, I got the most ludicrous call… A hurricane hit thousands of miles away on the coast of Texas. My phone rang at 8:00am on a Sunday morning. I ignored it, because I would have probably said some choice words to the person on the other line. It rang again… Seriously? What is it about these people and not sleeping in on weekends? It was my “key spouse,” they were requiring everyone to report in and say they weren’t in Texas. We live no where near Texas. I have never given any indication that I have anything waiting for me in Texas. Am I being punked? This was just crazy.

It went on like that throughout the deployment. My favorite moment was when I went on a cruise. I got to send an email to my “key spouse” that I would have absolutely no access to email or phone.

The squadron underwent an inspection after they returned from deployment and they shredded a lot of old papers, including the spouse contact list. They still had my email, but they no longer had my phone number. It was awesome.

When it came time for another deployment, the emails started again asking for my information. I ignored them and got an email from the “lead spouse” and she had copied the commander! Really? I think the squadron commander (getting ready to deploy) has better things to do! My husband contacted base legal to find out if I really had to give them my information or not. They said I wasn’t required to give them anything as long as my husband’s emergency contact card was up to date. I emailed the “lead spouse” back saying I was not going to give her my information after my experience with the previous deployment. They have my email and I will reply at a time convenient for me. I also mentioned I had contacted base legal. She didn’t ask for my information again.

I still got annoying emails, but I didn’t have to “report in.” I’ll share some of the emails in a future entry. Yes, I realize these people are unpaid volunteers, but I think it’s a bit ridiculous to ask me to “report in” for a tropical storm that didn’t hit or a hurricane that hit thousands of miles away. Sorry, but enough was enough for me.

The Hierarchy

So people often ask me about the “lead spouse” and how she got that job, so I figured I’d explain the hierarchy that I deal with on a daily basis. First off, I have absolutely no idea if this is the norm for military dependants. This is our first real assignment after pilot training, so I have nothing to compare it to. I’ve had some people tell me it’s similar to what they went through and others tell me they’ve never heard of this, so I’m not sure what’s normal. The system I’m explaining is what applies to my husband’s squadron.

The “lead spouse” is usually the commander’s wife (that’s also another title for this person). The current squadron commander is a female and not married, so the current “lead spouse” is the wife of the Lt. Col. who would be the second in charge after the commander. As far as I know, this job is voluntary and I’m sure it’s unpaid… however, she does have a reserved space at the commissary and BX.

In this squadron the “lead spouse” has “key spouses.” I think of them more as her minions. There are about 6 or 8 and they are “in charge” of small groups of regular spouses, like myself. It’s a bit like a PTA phone tree, but way more annoying. The “key spouses” check in with you periodically when your husband is away and report back to the “lead spouse.” When we first got to this base, they were called “phoenix spouses” but the name has since changed. This role is also voluntary and unpaid, but also has a reserved parking space at the BX and commissary. These people also supposedly receive special training for these roles, but I have no idea what that entails.

Here’s my complaint with this system… I’m sure it’s great for people who want support and extra help while their husbands are deployed, but I want to be left alone. I have an amazing support system of people checking in on me. I’ve asked numerous times if there’s a way I can opt out, but alas, they tell me I have to respond when the “lead spouse” or the “key spouse” contacts me. Usually, they call me to check in and I don’t answer because I’m either working or ignoring them (God bless the person who invented caller ID). Then they send an email asking if things are ok, I tell them I’m fine, thanks for asking and they leave me alone until the “lead spouse” makes them check in with us all again. Every once in a while, they get annoying about it.

On my husband’s first deployment, I thought that if I didn’t comply, he would get in trouble. This is not the case (I've checked with base legal). I had a very overzealous “key spouse” who would threaten to call until I answered and then call local law enforcement if I didn’t respond within the hour. I am not kidding about her calling the police, either. She would call before 8am on weekends (I definitely ignored those calls) for the most obnoxious reasons. I started to write about the reasons, but then it got long and I realized that could be a completely different entry because it was so crazy.

Here’s my silly complaint about the situation… I hate the name “key spouse.” Why? Because my sorority symbol was a key and we often referred to little sisters as Key Sisters. It sounds petty, but I like to think of my sorority time as a happy time and their use of “key spouse” annoys me. I also didn’t like the term “phoenix spouse” either. What? Did they rise from the ashes? Were they associated with one of my favorite comic books? (I’m referring to The Phoenix in X-Men, for those of you who aren’t a huge nerd like me.) I really prefer to call them minions.

Whenever the “lead spouse” sends an email she has her name and title as her email signature. It makes me laugh a bit. Before you say, “That will be you one day, so don’t judge,” stop. It will not be me one day. My husband has no intention of staying in the military long enough to become a commander and I have no desire to be the commander’s wife. I realize these people are unpaid volunteers and I appreciate the time and effort they put into this, but I don’t always have time to drop everything and tell them where I am or what I’m doing. Again, I have no idea if this situation is normal or not. I was talking to a friend whose husband is at the same base, but in a different flying squadron and she said she’s never heard any of this before… So who knows? I could just happen to be in the squadron with incredibly enthusiastic wives.