Secret Agent Man

When you’re related to or married to someone in the military, there’s a good chance that you’ll have to provide a character reference for that person at some point because of security clearance. Basically this is to make sure this person doesn’t have ties to some kind of terrorist organization.

The first time I ever did a character reference was before I was married, but not long after we’d gotten engaged. I had no idea what to expect. My husband was still in college and I had just graduated. He’d been informed that he was selected for pilot training, so he needed character references for security clearance. Just as a note, this story is much funnier when I tell it in person, but I’m assuming you have a good imagination.

I was leaving work for the day when I noticed I had a voicemail on my phone. It was from a special agent asking for a time to meet to discuss my then fiancé (now husband). He appeared to have a slight accent and the message involved a lot of dramatic pauses before names like “Hello. This message is for… (pause) Lindsey.” I’d write the whole thing out, but you get the idea. He asked me to call him back to schedule a time to meet and discuss my husband. We set up a time and he said he’d call me with a place near my house that morning.

The morning of our meeting arrived and I received another call from the special agent. It went something like this (the ellipses are all of his dramatic pauses):

“Good morning… Lindsey. This is special agent… (Well, I’m going to leave off his name just to be safe.) Is this morning still a … good time? Well, then I will meet you at… (very dramatic pause here) The Panera Bread! (I’ve seriously never heard anyone say Panera Bread with such enthusiasm and drama!) I am in a suit. You will know me when you see me. I am… hard to miss. See you… Soon.”

When I arrived at Panera, I saw immediately what he meant by being hard to miss. There in the Panera of an upper class neighborhood sat a younger looking version of Saddam Hussein. I am not kidding. This guy was a dead ringer for him. I’m not sure how, but he knew who I was right away (well, I guess because he’s a special agent). He introduced himself and shook my hand, then he showed me his credentials. I looked them over, as if I’d actually know what to look for, and smiled at him. He asked if we could begin and I agreed.

Him: “Please tell me about your relationship.”

Me: “Well, he’s my fiancé but we’ve been friends since we were 15.”

Him: “Then these questions will seem… very absurd to you.”

Me: “Ok, sounds good!”

Basically he asked me about my husband’s character and if he had ties to any controversial organizations. He asked me to describe him and for a brief moment I thought, if I wanted to, I could really have some fun with this! I decided against it though, because we’d both probably end up on the no-fly list or at Guantanamo Bay or something. Not going to lie, though, this thought has crossed my mind when I’m tired of being by myself all the time. I’m kidding… Mostly.

Since that particular Panera franchise is right next to the neighborhood I grew up in, I can rarely go in there without seeing someone I know. This day was no different. I must have seen at least 7 people I knew in that short span of time who all looked at me curiously, probably wondering why I was sitting at a table with a well dressed Saddam doppelganger. It was definitely one of the more weird days of my life. The interview didn’t take long and I was out of there pretty fast.

Last year, his clearance was about to expire, so I received a call from a different special agent who was female and used far fewer dramatic pauses. Since I was home in Florida for vacation, I met her at, you guessed it… The Panera Bread! She didn’t say it with anywhere near the drama and enthusiasm as the first guy, though.