The Hierarchy

So people often ask me about the “lead spouse” and how she got that job, so I figured I’d explain the hierarchy that I deal with on a daily basis. First off, I have absolutely no idea if this is the norm for military dependants. This is our first real assignment after pilot training, so I have nothing to compare it to. I’ve had some people tell me it’s similar to what they went through and others tell me they’ve never heard of this, so I’m not sure what’s normal. The system I’m explaining is what applies to my husband’s squadron.

The “lead spouse” is usually the commander’s wife (that’s also another title for this person). The current squadron commander is a female and not married, so the current “lead spouse” is the wife of the Lt. Col. who would be the second in charge after the commander. As far as I know, this job is voluntary and I’m sure it’s unpaid… however, she does have a reserved space at the commissary and BX.

In this squadron the “lead spouse” has “key spouses.” I think of them more as her minions. There are about 6 or 8 and they are “in charge” of small groups of regular spouses, like myself. It’s a bit like a PTA phone tree, but way more annoying. The “key spouses” check in with you periodically when your husband is away and report back to the “lead spouse.” When we first got to this base, they were called “phoenix spouses” but the name has since changed. This role is also voluntary and unpaid, but also has a reserved parking space at the BX and commissary. These people also supposedly receive special training for these roles, but I have no idea what that entails.

Here’s my complaint with this system… I’m sure it’s great for people who want support and extra help while their husbands are deployed, but I want to be left alone. I have an amazing support system of people checking in on me. I’ve asked numerous times if there’s a way I can opt out, but alas, they tell me I have to respond when the “lead spouse” or the “key spouse” contacts me. Usually, they call me to check in and I don’t answer because I’m either working or ignoring them (God bless the person who invented caller ID). Then they send an email asking if things are ok, I tell them I’m fine, thanks for asking and they leave me alone until the “lead spouse” makes them check in with us all again. Every once in a while, they get annoying about it.

On my husband’s first deployment, I thought that if I didn’t comply, he would get in trouble. This is not the case (I've checked with base legal). I had a very overzealous “key spouse” who would threaten to call until I answered and then call local law enforcement if I didn’t respond within the hour. I am not kidding about her calling the police, either. She would call before 8am on weekends (I definitely ignored those calls) for the most obnoxious reasons. I started to write about the reasons, but then it got long and I realized that could be a completely different entry because it was so crazy.

Here’s my silly complaint about the situation… I hate the name “key spouse.” Why? Because my sorority symbol was a key and we often referred to little sisters as Key Sisters. It sounds petty, but I like to think of my sorority time as a happy time and their use of “key spouse” annoys me. I also didn’t like the term “phoenix spouse” either. What? Did they rise from the ashes? Were they associated with one of my favorite comic books? (I’m referring to The Phoenix in X-Men, for those of you who aren’t a huge nerd like me.) I really prefer to call them minions.

Whenever the “lead spouse” sends an email she has her name and title as her email signature. It makes me laugh a bit. Before you say, “That will be you one day, so don’t judge,” stop. It will not be me one day. My husband has no intention of staying in the military long enough to become a commander and I have no desire to be the commander’s wife. I realize these people are unpaid volunteers and I appreciate the time and effort they put into this, but I don’t always have time to drop everything and tell them where I am or what I’m doing. Again, I have no idea if this situation is normal or not. I was talking to a friend whose husband is at the same base, but in a different flying squadron and she said she’s never heard any of this before… So who knows? I could just happen to be in the squadron with incredibly enthusiastic wives.