The truth about pilots

My husband really is not a fan of the film, Top Gun.  Don’t get him started on why “Goose wouldn’t have died”. You will lose. Aside from the inaccuracies about flying and the military, he hates the cheesy moments we all love about Top Gun.  He cringes whenever “you’ve lost that loving feeling” comes on the radio.

Last week, I understood how he feels, as I was inspired to write after seeing Green Lantern. I just had a hard time believing that the chick from Gossip Girl is a fighter pilot. I think the purple aliens are a little more believable. I watched an interview with her where she described her part in the film and she said, “We play like the 2 best fighter pilots in the world.” Seriously?

It got me thinking about some common misconceptions about pilots… So here goes:

-If you’ve played flight simulator on Play Station, you can land a plane- Eh, I guess it couldn’t hurt, but being a pilot takes tons of studying and practice. There’s all kinds of math that goes into it, and it just looks confusing. A large amount of people do not graduate from pilot training.

- Being a fighter pilot is glamorous- not really. Sure, it’s a pretty badass job to have, but fighter pilots get serious hemorrhoids. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Apparently to work with the high G forces they deal with there is a “straining maneuver” they have to use and they’re commonly treated for hemorrhoids as a result. Sexy, huh?

- Every pilot gets a cool call sign/ nickname- Nope, just fighter pilots and they’re not usually cool nicknames, like Maverick… Maybe more like Goose. They are generally a reminder of something embarrassing you did in pilot training. My husband doesn’t have a call sign because he’s a cargo pilot, but they did call him Milhouse (from The Simpsons) in pilot training because he wears glasses and always knows the answers. One example is, apparently there is a pilot who lost his ring finger in an accident and has the call sign “Shocker.” (No, I'm not going to explain it.) Other call signs can be pretty R rated and the thought of typing them here makes me blush.

- You get used to all things flying- not so much. You get pretty bad gas from all of the constant air pressure. This goes for everyone who flies, but military pilots spend a lot of time in the air. Also, on some planes, rather than having a bathroom, just have a closet with a tube and a bucket with a plastic liner. Clearly designed by a dude.

- Anyone can be a pilot- Again, not really. First off, the physical to just go to pilot training is intense! (They took 9 vials of blood, the thought of which, just makes me want to cry.) There are all kinds of crazy restrictions. Some are pretty common knowledge like vision requirements, but there are other weird ones like height restrictions. If you’ve ever been diagnosed with any chronic medical conditions, you’ll have to get all kinds of waivers to go to pilot training.

- Being a pilot takes you to exotic places- Only once in a while. Most of the major pilot training bases are in locations I never care to visit and some, I pray we’ll never have to go back to again. (I’m talking to you, Enid, Oklahoma!) Sure, once you’re a pilot you can go a few cool places, but sometimes it means yet another trip to the desert to drop off mattresses. You can count on being away pretty much all the time.

So pretty much, when it comes to pilots, if you’ve seen it in a movie, there’s a less glamorous side, I assure you. There are multiple other things I could comment on, but this entry would be quite long, so perhaps I’ll write more on this in the future. Special thanks to my husband for always making comments during movies with flight scenes that make me laugh… And for checking this entry for me, so I got my facts right :)